circles

i am going in circles.
i quit laxies, i eat super well, a few dyas later i have just a smidge of sugary food and i can't stop myself from eating a. lot. then i feel terrible all night until i feel i need laxies. then i make sure the timing's right, liek i won't be at school or work or whatever when they start to work (not always perfectly on time, annoyingly, but obviously i deal..) and take them. and go to bed. and wait. and feel just awful. and resolve to quit.
this feels terrible.
everything's been triggered again on me, i've started cutting again, my left arm looks weird. a 'random' scratch on the top, so it looks like a cat or something, then a frictioned one (not a slice type cut, a back and forth roughly with blade, live i'm shaving layers off my skin) kind of looks like a burn i picked at on top of my hand, three scratches on the side of my hand (i say it was my little cat, whatever no one's staring to make sure it's authentic, if they see it) and on my left wrist.. the slices.. it's my favourite spot it just feels good there. i get most satisfaction there, anywhere else and i don't feel the same feeling. unfortunately. so sweaters it's been all week. they should fade (enough) in a week or so, to use a little makeup on them.
i've been taking a little more pills than i should be, too. at least seven different kinds of metabolism boosters (ex: green tea extracts), appetite suppressors (ex: pgx), and craving suppressors (ex: hoodia extract). at least seven different things though and i just shoved them in a little old pill bottle, so no one's the wiser that they're all different or anything. i don't pay attention to what's what i just swallow five or six at a time. i know it's awful for me.. but i'm not taking like high doses of any of them i guess.
i need to lose mroe weight, i gained, and i am fat. my jeans are so goddamn tight. i can't wear anything but sweaters (besides to hide cuts) because i don't feel comfortable or good in them.
i am getting back on track though.
i might do a liquid diet soon. i'll see how to word it to my mum.
sorry it's been so long.
i'll try to be back soon, rushed now.

all i ever wanted

short post, really short post, boyfriend's beside me in exercise science in the lab at school and my screen is near black trying to conceal what i'm doing online. point of this is.. well i got all i ever wanted.
kind of.
i got 95.2 lbs, and now i'm 94.4 lbs. it's all i've ever wanted, to be below 95 lbs.. but god it's not enough. that other girl who's like me, she's 90 lbs right now. i can't believe it. but she looks so thin, way thinner than only 4 lbs lighter. so i don't get it.. don't get why i'm so huge. i'm on my way though, to 92 lbs. my next goal. talk soon lovelies!

when do i stab myself in the ears

great week. other than the irritable boyfriend, nagging mother, and crying in therapy, great week. doesn't sound like it eh? well it can only be great for one reason then.. weight loss! ahah yay. love this app on my ipod.. turned it into a little miracle machine. Lose It! it's called. in love with it. i think i mentioned/explained it before.. anyway. i am at 96.6 lbs as of yesterday morning/same this morning. in the past three days, so monday to wednesday, i have consumed a total of 1409 cals. the highest was 592 cals, the lowest being yesterday at 357 cals. today i haven't quite planned dinner.. i work. so far the total is 115 cals, including breakfast and lunch etc. dentist today too so hopefully my mouth feels so clean i don't want to eat anything. stomach has been getting bad aches lately.. i know they're empty pains. i like them, but sometimes they hurt too much..
and all those totals didn't even take in exercise, with the exercise i've done (all the walking, and squash, and futsal) it's way less. not to mention BMR. i am excited to break 96 lbs! finally get to my first goal, 95 lbs.. i can't wait.. i still have cheat days yes. but only oncee a week now instead of two days from the weekend. just one day a weekend.
i have to get writing for my writer's craft class.. a bulimic alcoholic fifteen/sixteen year old. short story, so not entirely sure how i'll end it yet.. but i'll figure something out.

longer than expected

sigh. another short post, got work to do, and took up half my time commenting and catching up on other blogs.. worth it.
so i know it's been awhile.. i can't post at home, safety reasons/privacy reasons, and during my spare at school, being in my senior year, i actually have things to do now most of the time. that's why this is short, i have things to type.. unfortunately. anyway. on i go..
i quit laxies. last saturday. i went four whole days of eating under 1000 cals, and therefore i didn't need to take them. then last night, wednesday.. the fourth day.. i broke. my dad was over for dinner, just him and i, and it took so long to make that in the process i ate peanut butter, honey, and cheese. all very caloric things. i wish i didn't,. but i did. and i took a laxie. just one. and obviously with resistance i built i don't feel a single fucking thing, goddamn i am mad. i feel huge. to help it along i bloated myself with water when i took it, and again just before i fell asleep, so i didn't bother weighing myself this morning as it would still be water weight, i didn't have to pee just yet.. but i'm 98.4 lbs in all, so i'm getting back on track i guess, but last night i ate approximately 1100 cals. fuck it all. today that means i only get a maximum of 500 cals. which is easy, i work tonight, and like everythinggg has gluten.. yep i got a gluten allergy, perfect.
my mum wanted me tested for gluten allergies because she went off of it and felt so much better. it is partly genetic so she actually got me tested, stool sample sent from ottawa ontario to dallas texas. got the results last wednesday night. they were looking for some glutimase somethign or other, and under ten units is normal.. i had forty five units. over four times the limit. so i'm pretty sensitive.. maybe it's been causing my constant nausea and breakouts. and late periods. god they scare me everytime it's late, like right now, been two days, going on three if it doesn't come today. anyway. not eating gluten will help me lose weight - not wheat. no pasta. bread. cookies. cake. any baked goods. unless from a special food store. anyway at work like everything has gluten so no more snacking. i have more willpower if i'm literally not allowed something.
so i ahve this app on my ipod touch, called 'Lose It!' and it's amazing. it has a food database with restaurants and regular foods and supermarket brands and everything, and you can enter in your own thigns. it has all the fat, calsories, sodium, carbohydrates, fibre, etc marked. you can set your stats, goal weight etc, and it'll make a budget for you, and you enter in what you eat, and what exercises you do. started last tuesday. i was waaay over last week but since sunday it's been under 1000 cals, except for last night, i was 1100 cals.. but i'll compensate for that today. i have to be at least 98 lbs even or, wishful thinking, under it, because i'm back on slow carb during the week and only one cheat day now, saturdays. i'm sleeping over at my friend's. aka junk food night. so i have to prepare.. and maybe take laxies after it, most likely. i'll try not to, but we'll see how strong i am. drinking going on to, so maybe even vomiting if i'm lucky instead.
so i think that's all i can fit in at the moment, unfortunately, longer than expected.. lvoe you all and sorry for the long breaks i've been taken! i'll try to be more frequent! and i promise to upload pictures as soon as i hit 97 lbs again!

lax

short post..
i fel like shit. mont tremblant went well, only one of my best friends could make it, however it was still a lot of fun. a lot of good talks, good brainstorms for short stories. i missed her. and we're both still so.. i don't know. odd. in the good ways, but also in the bad ways. not too much has changed it turns out. good thing, and a bad thing.
also, the junk food, oh my lord. i managed to actually throw out leftovers when we got home, somehow i found that strength to not save it for the next day, when i would undoubtedly binge and purge. i threw it all out. of course i am disappointed, being the next day, because i want it. i crave it. but i know i'd be swallowing laxies right after.
i'm trying to stop laxies.. trying to. it's harder than i thought. i said it before the weekend. then every day i had some. i said it when we got home. had some. said it yesterday. had some. said it today.. so far i haven't. i work all evening at least, distracting, occupying. but there is free food all around me too. i ahve to be strong.. i've had 570 cals today and i weigh a whopping 100 lbs after this weekend.. fuck. i hate it. i dont' get it. i need to be at least 98 lbs for friday.. which means drastically reducing intake, even if it is all of a sudden, not gradual. i don't care anymore. i want the weight off.
a girl in my writer's craft class reached my goal awhile back. 95 lbs. my first goal, i should say, not my ultimate one. but she reached it at least a month ago, and i've been gaining and losing like a fatass. sure i broke the plateau, but then just ballooned up to triple digits again! never again. seeing her today, she finally wore something so you could see some skin. slightly cropped top. it was enough to make me fast for two days straight (speaking of, i'm thinking of fasting tomorrow.. work again, a perfect excuse), it at least made me realise i wasn't going to eat anythign else today. just diet coke and lime, and maybe black coffee. more water too, keep falling off track with that, and i'll need it once i go through withdrawal of laxies.. all the bloating and temporary weight gain. not looking forward to it. fuck laxies. i hate them. i love them. i need them. i can't take them. they'll kill me. they make me live.
i'll get over them.. it will just be a difficult process alone.. other than you ladies, and all this, my second world, secret identity. at least i have all that. and i love you for it.

kiss n tell

so that stupid incident is still haunting me, obviously, i didn't expect it to go anywhere anytime soon, just it won't leave my head.. usually i can get some peace, in decent chunks of time. but lately, namely the past week, it won't leave at all. maybe for a few hours if i'm lucky. people shouldn't, in general, kiss and tell. but in this case, there should not have been any kissing at all. fuck.
so anyway. this past weekend, birthday weekend. not that exciting. at least it was a weekend so i could cheat. friday, milestone's with the boyfriend, his treat of course. shared a tiny plate of bocconcini garluic bread with olive tapenade (delicious but really small portion, good) then grilled chicken pesto fettucine for main course, obviously bad for you, then shared the breakup tub for dessert, their version of a mini tub of cookie dough ice cream, with their own cookie dough made daily. and caramel sauce, yum.
anyway other than that, cheated a lott with just junk in general. oh well. i know the weight i gained is only temporary from the weekend and will disappear before the next one! as usual. every week the end weight is lower and lower though, and with the weekend weight i gain each time, the end weight is still lower and lower. like, usually after a cheat weekend, i'd go from 98 lbs to maybe 100.5 lbs. now, i go from about 96.8 lbs to 98.4 lbs. that's weight my weight this morning. but laxies still took effect after that, so maybe it's 98.2 lbs now. i decided to promise myself to stop laxies during the week, also stopping cheats during the week. now i'm back on slow carb with my mum (super low calorie! and she doesn't even realise it, so i can get away with it perfectly) and then two days per weekend to cheat. and only then, if i really binge bad, can i use laxies. i'm making my supply last til christmas at least. sigh.
as for birthday, i don't feel any older. whatever, i'll probably still say i'm sixteen the next few weeks if people ask how old i am, i'll get used to seventeen soon. mont tremblant weekend this weekend! saturday to monday, yay. hopefullyy my other best friend can come.. one can for sure at least, but it's a bigass room for two people, as my mum will be staying in a separate studio room. maybe i'll upload pictures from the weekend if i can get my sister's camera. then maybe i can take a picture of me finally for you guys to see! hopefully. well study time again.. hating high school!
can't wait to get some amaretto and captain m.

hey

woow major freakout by the computer.. and it only shows what i type after a whole sentence. it's lagging that bad. so i'll try to keep this short, though the lag is shortening at least now.
so, only kind of riding on the high of breaking 97 lbs still.. starting to feel the effects of the cheat days, an excessive celebration.. and for once my laxies are failing me, i mean they keep me at my weight now but they're not getting rid of anything, i can feel all the junk in my gut.. rottin away, being absorbed.. shudder.
and hallowe'en used to be my favourite holiday.
so no worries though i have a plan to get back on track for friday, my seventeenth birthday! i want to be 96 lbs, even, but sure i'll take 96.5 lbs again of course. who wouldn't take it? anyone who's been under that weight, actually. but it's my lowest, so i'll take it for now. if i'm going to have a relatively normal birthday without worrying anybody or having anyone suspicious or having any arguments, then i have to have that safety net of my lowest weight to get me by all the food that ensues. when did birthdays turn into an excuse to binge? to eat whatever, without consequences? i don't know, but i want to personally harm whoever started that tradition. til i do that, i can survive with my plan. thank god i work wednesday and thursday, two days i can get away with eating just breakfast (three egg whites, 45 cals) and lunch (apple, 60 cals; yogurt, 35 cals; celery, 10 cals; cucumber, 20 cals) and then maybe a snack after school/before work, like some soup broth (whole container for 40 cals) or at work, a bowl of soup (who knows.. so oily sometimes, ugh) depending on the kind, or a small bowl of rice (wish it wasn't white, so i try to avoid it). so today, tuesday, i must get by without doing further damage than some individual chocolates (not the good lindt stuff, so not that high calorie at least), but i'm not sure how much damage i actually did there.. i'm in denial, too scared to check it out. so i'll just do excellent today. dinner's planned, chicken breats thawing in the fridge all day, 140 cals. then some vegetables, which are never many anyway. i'll have one bite of apple and one bite of yogurt, throw the rest of both out, to compensate. i hate compensating for binges by eating less healthy foods.. can't be helped sometimes. oh well i know me, i'll get back on track.
i'll leave on an awkward story: so i ran out of laxies yesterday, on hallowe'en of all damn days, so i had to devise a plan to get some, seeing as i live nowhere near a drugstore. went to my boyfriend's after school, so he could drive me home in time for dinner with family, and futsal. on the way back i got him to drop me at pharmaplus, asking him to wait in the car, lying about feminine things. he kept pressing me to tell him, since i don't really hide anything feminine related from him, i talk about periods and whatnot, he's interested actually and likes that i share and trust and whatever etc. so he was confused as to why i wasn't telling him, so i had to admit the half truth: it had to do with my stomach, and it was embarrassing. he knew my stomach's been messed for a week anyway, but no one knew why.. but me. of course i blamed it on being sick the week before, truth, because my nanny was too it was believable. then after that when my nanny got better, 'cause my period started, also truth. it has messed with my stomach before too, my mum knows that, and knows it's normal for anyone. now, i'm hiding anything's happening but i told my boyfriend i still wasn't feeling well, also truth actually. i didn't go any further and he didn't press because i said it was too embarrassing, also the truth heh.
so i go in, they didn't have the same as the last stuff i had (went to shoppers last time) so i had to decide on another one, got two different ones, one cheaper than the other and it totali have about seventy eight. good. so there's a line, i text him to say the line's long, truth, and that's why i'm slow, kind of truth. so i get up there, the only cash open, and it's a girl in my school. my grade. knows who i am for sure, been going to school together since sixth grade. lovely. didn't really say much, just the weak awkward 'heeyy..' and knowing her group they're boring enough so that that encounter would be the only thing of interest to talk about at lunch today. god i hope they don't assume the truth.. or worse, assume it and spread it as a rumour, one they wouldn't know was true. here's hoping..
well i hope you're all having a lovely day at least!