i can't believe it.. i did it. i finally did it. i broke 97 lbs. i am now officially 96.5 lbs. i still can't believe it.. that was on friday morning. of course, cheat days etc, so i'm back to 98 lbs with the food in my system, but yay laxies! can't use them as much because for one, i only have one left as of now.. already took two this morning.. and god the cramps are just terrible. but i'm planning to pick some up tonight for sure.
so even though after the cheat days i'm back up a little bit, by this weekend i'll be right back to 96.5 lbs, if not 96 lbs even as hoped! i mean i can do that easily, if i finally reached that first goal.. what's another .5 lbs?
so thank you so much, judith marie, because your support came out of nowhere it seemed and has really helped me out1 i haven't been able to post much, link crew is so time consuming with the haunted house prep and it's today so that's all over at leas tnow.. and now, my birthday's this friday! four mroe days.. so nervous for the sweets.. i'll be seventeen finally. i was born at two past midnight, justt made it to the fourth, so i always stay up watching the clock til then ahah it's tradition now. can't wait. but i need to stock up on laxies if i'm going to get through this relatively unscathed.
so my hallowe'en costume at school right now: tight ish black short sleeved shirt, curved devil horns (not the generic half moon shape, actually curved!), little red feathered wings, and red lame short shorts. couldn't find any matching shoes so i'm wearing navy ones ahah, oh well. feel sort of selfconscious in it, these tiny little shorts.. but i'm feeling pretty alright so far, breaking the plateau friday really gave me a boost i think. and to make it worse though that bitch is behind me in student services studying with her friend (one who was in the train dream) and i can't stand hearing her voice. i'm going to leave soon, i cna't take it any longer.
so, i need those laxies if i'm going to a friend's tonight! hallowe'en ladies! if i must have an early/extra cheat day, i'll have to compensate. no worries, i work twice this week, both easily done as fasts. never done two days in a row before, so i'm excited to try! i'll try to post again quicker than last time!
have a great hallowe'en ladies!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
bad dreams
had an absolutely terrible dream two nights ago. that bitch who got way in between my boyfriend and i when i was in malaysia was with two of her friends who i don't really talk to, and they were on a train leaning out the window at me, standign on the platform. all i remember before i woke up was turning around, away from them to walk away, and the bitch said somethign i couldn't hear over the engine starting. i turned back and said 'what did you say to me?' and she just laughed. her friends laughed, but repeated it. she had called me fat, pretty much. knowing my issues with food, she called me fat. (in real life she has no idea, why would she? idon't talk to her at all. but in the dream, somehow i knew she knew) and then i woke up. i had woken up four times that night, two nights ago, as i had taken too many laxies the day before to account for my binge.. kept waking up, running to the bathroom. so those four times, every time i awoke with a memory of a bad dream, those girls ganging up on me, but i only remembered the worst insult: 'fat' it really got on my nerves, even though it didn't happen.. she caleld me a whore before for no reason, and being called fat would actually hurt me. she doesn't know that or she would use it. i'm a little scared now..
anyway other than that, thigns are going alright. still 'sick', aka still have some effects o f the laxies as i took just one last night, so i've been saying i'm sick, stomach issues, to my mum, and it's true, it's come out both ways - she just doesn't have to know i made it happen, both ways. so i've gotten to miss some school, good, but bad because i just ran from bed to bathroom, multiple times, when i was home. oh well. i weighed in at 97 lbs even this morning, thank god, so now i get to go extra hard today to see that new number on the scale! i'm not asking for a whole 1 lbs even, i'll take .5 lbs no problem! just, something..
so that is where i'm at. desperate to lose just that little bit, to change the number on the scale, even in that minor way.. because i have never been lower than 97 lbs, no matter what the hell i do. seriously. i could be 97 lbs, and fast for the next day, not even drink water, and still be 97 lbs the next day! it's insane. so i'm going to keep trying though, just keep trying like this, and eventually the plateau will break.
it will break.
anyway other than that, thigns are going alright. still 'sick', aka still have some effects o f the laxies as i took just one last night, so i've been saying i'm sick, stomach issues, to my mum, and it's true, it's come out both ways - she just doesn't have to know i made it happen, both ways. so i've gotten to miss some school, good, but bad because i just ran from bed to bathroom, multiple times, when i was home. oh well. i weighed in at 97 lbs even this morning, thank god, so now i get to go extra hard today to see that new number on the scale! i'm not asking for a whole 1 lbs even, i'll take .5 lbs no problem! just, something..
so that is where i'm at. desperate to lose just that little bit, to change the number on the scale, even in that minor way.. because i have never been lower than 97 lbs, no matter what the hell i do. seriously. i could be 97 lbs, and fast for the next day, not even drink water, and still be 97 lbs the next day! it's insane. so i'm going to keep trying though, just keep trying like this, and eventually the plateau will break.
it will break.
Monday, October 24, 2011
can't stop
in the past eight days, i've fasted three times. yesterday, sunday; this past friday; the friday before. no wonder i'm back to 97 lbs no problem it seems. and of course i have to give mia a hand in this.. those other days, laxies were used. not every day! just my two binge days, one for each past weekend. sigh. i'm getting worse it seems. i feel terrible, 'cause one of my link crew kids is talking to me about her struggles as well and i'm really trying to help, really, but i feel so damn hypocritical! i'm honestly trying to recover, but only once i get to my gw.. i feel ridiculous. ugh.
anyway last night, sunday, was kind of a successful fast.. i know i know, it's either a successful fast or it's not really a fast is it? well, i'll explain. so i went all day, all evening, no food. convinced parents i had eggs for breakfast, and i wasn't feeling well enough for dinner, which was actually pretty true. i hadn't had near enough water this weekend so i had a headache, and not eating gives me nausea (what the hell?) so i didn't really want to eat, but i was still craving junk food of course. that'll never change. so, i was in bed, set to sleep, on the phone with my boyfriend.. when my nausea just overwhelmed me. out of nowhere it seemed i felt like i was going to die retching. i started crying, and half explained to him how awful i felt, that i needed to go to bed, so we said goodnight and i lay there crying for a minute. i decided to get up, turn the heater off, and the fan on. cold air always helps nausea for me. i tried sleeping again but it was so overwhelming, i went over to the garbage can and stuck my fingers down. nothing. i thought maybe that's all i needed, but two seconds later, it was back. so i kept at it, and a little came up. mind you i had only eaten plain cinnamon sticks (0 cals, lots of flavour, last long, gets rid of appetite, and boosts metabolism - what more do you want?) i think a couple of them, or just one, and some diet coke and water. so up came cinnamon stomach acid. it was weird. not much came up, and i thought hey i've barely had any, maybe that was it.
still couldn't sleep. i went up to the bathroom and tried full force, and up came more and more, two big upchucks, cinnamon flavoured and burning. it looked like melted chocolate mixed with egg whites. ugh. so, it still persisted.. i knew what i had to do to get some rest and relief. i had a few bites of an extra lean deli chicken slice, and three or so fingertips of sour cream with maybe seven shreds of cheddar cheese. it was one of those premade nacho dips. like i know in my head that at most it was like 120 cals, at absolute most!, but my ana side wanted to vomit again. i couldn't, my nausea had finally been subdued, and my mum's bedroom light had turned on, down the hall from the echoing bathroom and loud fridge. it was looking bad for me, the way i saw the situation she'd see me in. so i ran back downstairs into my room, and fell asleep with no problems. fuck, nausea, i would have had three extremely successful fasts in eight days. and you make me binge on dairy and chicken. great.
well i already have a plan for today: skipped breakfast, because i got the protein at midnight last night so it really just evened it out. i even made the egg whites, put the dirty dishes in the sink, and fed the whites to the dog. well some of them i threw out, in case my mum came down the hall to the kitchen while she was eating them still.. now, threw out my chicken for lunch, to help even out calories, and i'll only eat half my apple and half my yogurt, to even out calories. celery and cucumbers are fine to eat of course. and for dinner, a marinated blue menu president's choice mediterranean chicken breast, only 140 cals, and a salad on the side, so dinner won't be more than 250 cals no matter what! yay. so total, overestimating, for the day, 325 cals. approximately. thank god. add in the binge, 450 cals about. sigh. it's alright, i just have to reach a goal by friday morning.. my first ever breaking 97 lbs. i need 96 lbs, to prove it is possible, because ii swear it isn't, my biody absolutely refuses! no matter what i do. so this better work. i also play futsal tonight, joined mum and sister's team in the women's league, lucky me, considering i'm not legally an adult. need the exercise.
and now i need to study for a test today, great. i better be able to stay on top of this plan today, sets me up for the whole week ahead! wish me luck lovelies!
anyway last night, sunday, was kind of a successful fast.. i know i know, it's either a successful fast or it's not really a fast is it? well, i'll explain. so i went all day, all evening, no food. convinced parents i had eggs for breakfast, and i wasn't feeling well enough for dinner, which was actually pretty true. i hadn't had near enough water this weekend so i had a headache, and not eating gives me nausea (what the hell?) so i didn't really want to eat, but i was still craving junk food of course. that'll never change. so, i was in bed, set to sleep, on the phone with my boyfriend.. when my nausea just overwhelmed me. out of nowhere it seemed i felt like i was going to die retching. i started crying, and half explained to him how awful i felt, that i needed to go to bed, so we said goodnight and i lay there crying for a minute. i decided to get up, turn the heater off, and the fan on. cold air always helps nausea for me. i tried sleeping again but it was so overwhelming, i went over to the garbage can and stuck my fingers down. nothing. i thought maybe that's all i needed, but two seconds later, it was back. so i kept at it, and a little came up. mind you i had only eaten plain cinnamon sticks (0 cals, lots of flavour, last long, gets rid of appetite, and boosts metabolism - what more do you want?) i think a couple of them, or just one, and some diet coke and water. so up came cinnamon stomach acid. it was weird. not much came up, and i thought hey i've barely had any, maybe that was it.
still couldn't sleep. i went up to the bathroom and tried full force, and up came more and more, two big upchucks, cinnamon flavoured and burning. it looked like melted chocolate mixed with egg whites. ugh. so, it still persisted.. i knew what i had to do to get some rest and relief. i had a few bites of an extra lean deli chicken slice, and three or so fingertips of sour cream with maybe seven shreds of cheddar cheese. it was one of those premade nacho dips. like i know in my head that at most it was like 120 cals, at absolute most!, but my ana side wanted to vomit again. i couldn't, my nausea had finally been subdued, and my mum's bedroom light had turned on, down the hall from the echoing bathroom and loud fridge. it was looking bad for me, the way i saw the situation she'd see me in. so i ran back downstairs into my room, and fell asleep with no problems. fuck, nausea, i would have had three extremely successful fasts in eight days. and you make me binge on dairy and chicken. great.
well i already have a plan for today: skipped breakfast, because i got the protein at midnight last night so it really just evened it out. i even made the egg whites, put the dirty dishes in the sink, and fed the whites to the dog. well some of them i threw out, in case my mum came down the hall to the kitchen while she was eating them still.. now, threw out my chicken for lunch, to help even out calories, and i'll only eat half my apple and half my yogurt, to even out calories. celery and cucumbers are fine to eat of course. and for dinner, a marinated blue menu president's choice mediterranean chicken breast, only 140 cals, and a salad on the side, so dinner won't be more than 250 cals no matter what! yay. so total, overestimating, for the day, 325 cals. approximately. thank god. add in the binge, 450 cals about. sigh. it's alright, i just have to reach a goal by friday morning.. my first ever breaking 97 lbs. i need 96 lbs, to prove it is possible, because ii swear it isn't, my biody absolutely refuses! no matter what i do. so this better work. i also play futsal tonight, joined mum and sister's team in the women's league, lucky me, considering i'm not legally an adult. need the exercise.
and now i need to study for a test today, great. i better be able to stay on top of this plan today, sets me up for the whole week ahead! wish me luck lovelies!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
sexy and i know it
i feel damn good today, despite the extremely dreary weather outside. it's a medium blue grey, grime caked on the windows and sidewalks, rain sputtering from the heavy clouds, wind rushing like it's late for something. since it's only a half day at school, parent teacher interviews tonight (thank god i don't need any, my exercise science grade is slipping, and i can see my writer's craft grade about to drop if i don't get my ass in gear) so i figured it didn't really matter what i wore to school. so, school sweatpants it is, 'BULLDOGS' on my butt, with my new plain white extra small sweater, and a green and white scarf. no shirt underneath, justsweater and scarf. i love wearing sweaters without shirts, i do it too often, but at least sweaters are extremely forgiving, as they basically just hide all of my torso and upper arms.
so despite what i'm wearing and seeing outside, and in the school i guess; i dislike most of these people, i am feeling sexy. weird i know, my stomach's not even flat! but i had amazing self control yesterday, this is what i ate, with once again calories way overestimated, i mean way, just to be entirely safe:
three egg whites 50 cals
black coffee 2 cals
one and a half extra lean deli chicken slices 140 cals
half a yogurt 20 cals
one bite of celery 5 cals
crydtal light 10 cals
whole tomato 20 cals
cup of broth 10 cals
salmon 260 cals
and that is all! to a total of.. 517 cals! and i know it's overestimating, prettty sure my chicken was less, and definitely the tomato/broth/celery/yogurt/egg whites. any of those are probably overestimated, i made only three and a half egg whites and threw away the skin it formed in the pan and a good sized two bites of it, becaus ei'm being made to eat four egg whites a day now for protein, part of the deal. sigh. but 517 cals! overestimating! love it. so that is why if eel sexy, and it is my fast day remember! every thursday from now on i think, perfect 'cause of work, perfect excuses, and i just don't make a lunch/pretend i did/throw it out/have some celery, 'cause hey, celery won't kill me, probably would help more than hurt. as for egg whites.. got away with lying today as my mum only got out of bed to drive me to school since she has an appointment and got a supply teacher for the morning. hope all you guys feel sexy today! it's a wonderful feeling, as i'm sure some of you know!
so despite what i'm wearing and seeing outside, and in the school i guess; i dislike most of these people, i am feeling sexy. weird i know, my stomach's not even flat! but i had amazing self control yesterday, this is what i ate, with once again calories way overestimated, i mean way, just to be entirely safe:
three egg whites 50 cals
black coffee 2 cals
one and a half extra lean deli chicken slices 140 cals
half a yogurt 20 cals
one bite of celery 5 cals
crydtal light 10 cals
whole tomato 20 cals
cup of broth 10 cals
salmon 260 cals
and that is all! to a total of.. 517 cals! and i know it's overestimating, prettty sure my chicken was less, and definitely the tomato/broth/celery/yogurt/egg whites. any of those are probably overestimated, i made only three and a half egg whites and threw away the skin it formed in the pan and a good sized two bites of it, becaus ei'm being made to eat four egg whites a day now for protein, part of the deal. sigh. but 517 cals! overestimating! love it. so that is why if eel sexy, and it is my fast day remember! every thursday from now on i think, perfect 'cause of work, perfect excuses, and i just don't make a lunch/pretend i did/throw it out/have some celery, 'cause hey, celery won't kill me, probably would help more than hurt. as for egg whites.. got away with lying today as my mum only got out of bed to drive me to school since she has an appointment and got a supply teacher for the morning. hope all you guys feel sexy today! it's a wonderful feeling, as i'm sure some of you know!
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
i wanna go
tried to post yesterday, but got a lax attack. sigh. so i had to log off my computer here in the student services at school and rush off to the bathroom, to remain for approximately fifteen minutes, as i stayed silent when people came in until they left. didn't want anyone to know what was going on obviously. then there was a uni fair in my caf, so i went with my boyfriend. i'm starting to like algoma, never heard of it till yesterday even. but i really do. still love mcmaster, western, memorial, and acadia. and i guess carleton, sigh, my most likely destination as it's the only one not away from home. unfortunately. i'd like to leave, but no one else wants me to, even for my own 'personal growth' i call it, but really i just want to be completely independent and just away from all this here.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.
Friday, October 14, 2011
skeptics and true believers
people don't always believe in me. they either don't believe i can make it as a clinical psychologist, that i can't maintain an eighty five average, that i won't reach my goal weight, among many other things. then there are the few, namely all of you, who believe we all can do it, not just me. that we can reach our goals, live life how we want, disregarding others who try to hold us back. i know someone at school like this, we somewhat support each other. we're not friends, we don't talk much, my best friend hates her. i dont' hate her. i don't particularly like her either though, we just have this one thing in common, thinness, and on the very rare ocasion we talk, it's solely for the purpose of comparing food, methods of losing, like for her it's more purging, for me i exercise, i run a lot. we talk about what we eat in a given day, how awful fat days feel, how great morning stomach is, etc. it's useful to have someone around me like that, regardless of the fact we talk maybe once every month and a half, on average. instead, i have all of you! i really appreciate you guys, even though i don't get comments really, and only have fifteen followers, i enjoy reading your blogs and feel we're connected anyway. you guys understand and appreciate the puruit of thinness. i appreciate it. i can't talk to other friends without arguments ensuing, or somewhat serious talks.
now i got that out, i am extremely proud of my past three days!
october eleventh:
written about already in 'time is running out', so maximum 350 cals total.
october twelfth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
soup broth 30
broccoli 130
turkey 150
reggiano parmigiana 90
400
others
coke zero 0
PC diet cola 0
crystal light 10
benefbire 5
15
absolute total: 557 cals
and that's overestimating. i don't eat that much of an apple, i just assume i do. i did not have that much cheese, turkey, and almost deifnitely not broccoli. but to be safe i need to overestimate.
october thirteenth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
0
others
diet coke 2
lemon 5
crystal light 10
12
absolute total: 154 cals
and now it's the fourteenth. sleepover with one of my best friends.. nervous. we usually binge on these sleepovers.. but also go for three or four hour walks. and we are brisk walkers, we don't stroll along. and right after school we're going to rideau centre, downtown ottawa, to shop. i need new shirts especially, more crop tops too to motivate me to keep my stomach flat! she loves crops, she'll help me out there. and if we stay for a few hours, all that walking.. then pretend to have had dinner there so i don't have to eat at her place, and hopefulllly we don't get junk! i am so close. woke up today extremely nauseous! happen to anybody every from severe restricting? i mean you just read all the calories i've eaten in the past three days, with my BMR and daily activities and working for nearly four and a half hours as a constantly moving hostess last night at under 200 cals.. felt better after i had my egg whites, but because i assumed it was also low blood sugar that made me dizzy as it has before, i had two sips of juice. i feel disgusted,. i had juice. i broke my first rule: no liquid calories unless from fibre supplement or crystal light, one a day. fuck. but i still feel iffy.. dizzy ish, and thankfully empty as can be. feeling odd pains in my chest and stomach area though, hope i shouldn't be worried.. i'm sure it's just adjusting to the new food intake.
also, weighed in at 98 lbs even this morning, half pound loss from saturday morning, and this is after three thanksgivings! hasn't even been a week, and i ate all i wanted on three thanksgivings, and not a week later i lost half a pound! so motivated by this!
i'll need all the support i can get today girls! from the sleepover to just not showing how damn awful i feel right now. send me strength! love you all!
now i got that out, i am extremely proud of my past three days!
october eleventh:
written about already in 'time is running out', so maximum 350 cals total.
october twelfth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
soup broth 30
broccoli 130
turkey 150
reggiano parmigiana 90
400
others
coke zero 0
PC diet cola 0
crystal light 10
benefbire 5
15
absolute total: 557 cals
and that's overestimating. i don't eat that much of an apple, i just assume i do. i did not have that much cheese, turkey, and almost deifnitely not broccoli. but to be safe i need to overestimate.
october thirteenth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
0
others
diet coke 2
lemon 5
crystal light 10
12
absolute total: 154 cals
and now it's the fourteenth. sleepover with one of my best friends.. nervous. we usually binge on these sleepovers.. but also go for three or four hour walks. and we are brisk walkers, we don't stroll along. and right after school we're going to rideau centre, downtown ottawa, to shop. i need new shirts especially, more crop tops too to motivate me to keep my stomach flat! she loves crops, she'll help me out there. and if we stay for a few hours, all that walking.. then pretend to have had dinner there so i don't have to eat at her place, and hopefulllly we don't get junk! i am so close. woke up today extremely nauseous! happen to anybody every from severe restricting? i mean you just read all the calories i've eaten in the past three days, with my BMR and daily activities and working for nearly four and a half hours as a constantly moving hostess last night at under 200 cals.. felt better after i had my egg whites, but because i assumed it was also low blood sugar that made me dizzy as it has before, i had two sips of juice. i feel disgusted,. i had juice. i broke my first rule: no liquid calories unless from fibre supplement or crystal light, one a day. fuck. but i still feel iffy.. dizzy ish, and thankfully empty as can be. feeling odd pains in my chest and stomach area though, hope i shouldn't be worried.. i'm sure it's just adjusting to the new food intake.
also, weighed in at 98 lbs even this morning, half pound loss from saturday morning, and this is after three thanksgivings! hasn't even been a week, and i ate all i wanted on three thanksgivings, and not a week later i lost half a pound! so motivated by this!
i'll need all the support i can get today girls! from the sleepover to just not showing how damn awful i feel right now. send me strength! love you all!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
time is running out
'and our time is running out, and our time is running out.. you can't push it underground, you can't stop it screaming out; how did it come to this?'
an excellent question.. i really have no idea how it came to this. why did i weigh 101 lbs this morning? surely thanksgivings, although three of them, couldn't make me gain 3 lbs in three days.. could they? a terrifying thought. 98.5 lbs saturday morning, 101.5 lbs this morning, though i did still have pyjamas on, albeit thin, loose ones. i count that as the extra half. it's ridiculous. another one coming, too..
so, to compensate, i ate maximum 350 cals yesterday:
breakfast
black coffee 2
2
lunch
celery 10
cucumber 10
yogurt 30
crystal light 10
60
dinner
chicken broth 40
tomato paste with lentils 150
190
others
sugar free mint 10
excel lemon gum 5
half slice turkey breast 35
10
absolute total: 302 cals
but, i can't trust that that's all i ate. i believe the lentils and tomato paste had more, and i'm really not sure about the turkey breast slices. i barely ate any, giving the rest to my adorable bear of a dog, so i'm estimating half of a slice.. sounds about right actually. the calories though, i'm not sure of. same with the lentils. so although i calculate 302 cals, i say 350 cals. of course no one knows how little i ate. but it will continue. fuck thanksgiving. can't wait to reach my old low, 97 lbs, and to reach a new one - 96 lbs. it will come, if not this weekend, then the next. one more thanksgiving to get through, but if i maintain my intake under 500 cals a day til this sunday, the damage will be prevented. still no ice cream or whipped cream, no potatoes or butter. but to compensate, since everyone knows whipped potatoes are my favourite, slathered with melting butter and thick gravy, i'll stil have as much gravy as i like. and since it's from scratch, roast turkey drippings, there will be a limited amount, so i can't even have all i really want. and white meat only, but that's a given. snacks are a danger, before dinner, yet i can't have dairy so all cheese options, the highest calorie, are out of the question. i don't drink calories except crystal light, so water and diet pop (if they have any even) it is. always magazines to read for us, i can immerse myself in one, or play video games with my younger cousin if need be.
even if i don't always follow my plans perfectly, i need to have one. it's a safety net. to know i'm prepard, i've thought this through, i'm not going into anything with anxiety; i've prepared. i've thought ahead. i have a plan. it feels safe. but my time is running out to prevent the damage, since i have to repair the damage already done this past weekend. i'm terrified i won't be prepared for this sunday, that i won't be back to 98 lbs at least by sunday morning, to be able to have dinner joyfully, normally, that evening. what if the damage is done, and it takes another week to reverse it? this sunday's thanksgiving will only backtrack my progress further. fuck thanksgiving.
an excellent question.. i really have no idea how it came to this. why did i weigh 101 lbs this morning? surely thanksgivings, although three of them, couldn't make me gain 3 lbs in three days.. could they? a terrifying thought. 98.5 lbs saturday morning, 101.5 lbs this morning, though i did still have pyjamas on, albeit thin, loose ones. i count that as the extra half. it's ridiculous. another one coming, too..
so, to compensate, i ate maximum 350 cals yesterday:
breakfast
black coffee 2
2
lunch
celery 10
cucumber 10
yogurt 30
crystal light 10
60
dinner
chicken broth 40
tomato paste with lentils 150
190
others
sugar free mint 10
excel lemon gum 5
half slice turkey breast 35
10
absolute total: 302 cals
but, i can't trust that that's all i ate. i believe the lentils and tomato paste had more, and i'm really not sure about the turkey breast slices. i barely ate any, giving the rest to my adorable bear of a dog, so i'm estimating half of a slice.. sounds about right actually. the calories though, i'm not sure of. same with the lentils. so although i calculate 302 cals, i say 350 cals. of course no one knows how little i ate. but it will continue. fuck thanksgiving. can't wait to reach my old low, 97 lbs, and to reach a new one - 96 lbs. it will come, if not this weekend, then the next. one more thanksgiving to get through, but if i maintain my intake under 500 cals a day til this sunday, the damage will be prevented. still no ice cream or whipped cream, no potatoes or butter. but to compensate, since everyone knows whipped potatoes are my favourite, slathered with melting butter and thick gravy, i'll stil have as much gravy as i like. and since it's from scratch, roast turkey drippings, there will be a limited amount, so i can't even have all i really want. and white meat only, but that's a given. snacks are a danger, before dinner, yet i can't have dairy so all cheese options, the highest calorie, are out of the question. i don't drink calories except crystal light, so water and diet pop (if they have any even) it is. always magazines to read for us, i can immerse myself in one, or play video games with my younger cousin if need be.
even if i don't always follow my plans perfectly, i need to have one. it's a safety net. to know i'm prepard, i've thought this through, i'm not going into anything with anxiety; i've prepared. i've thought ahead. i have a plan. it feels safe. but my time is running out to prevent the damage, since i have to repair the damage already done this past weekend. i'm terrified i won't be prepared for this sunday, that i won't be back to 98 lbs at least by sunday morning, to be able to have dinner joyfully, normally, that evening. what if the damage is done, and it takes another week to reverse it? this sunday's thanksgiving will only backtrack my progress further. fuck thanksgiving.
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