i wanna go

tried to post yesterday, but got a lax attack. sigh. so i had to log off my computer here in the student services at school and rush off to the bathroom, to remain for approximately fifteen minutes, as i stayed silent when people came in until they left. didn't want anyone to know what was going on obviously. then there was a uni fair in my caf, so i went with my boyfriend. i'm starting to like algoma, never heard of it till yesterday even. but i really do. still love mcmaster, western, memorial, and acadia. and i guess carleton, sigh, my most likely destination as it's the only one not away from home. unfortunately. i'd like to leave, but no one else wants me to, even for my own 'personal growth' i call it, but really i just want to be completely independent and just away from all this here.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.