can't stop

in the past eight days, i've fasted three times. yesterday, sunday; this past friday; the friday before. no wonder i'm back to 97 lbs no problem it seems. and of course i have to give mia a hand in this.. those other days, laxies were used. not every day! just my two binge days, one for each past weekend. sigh. i'm getting worse it seems. i feel terrible, 'cause one of my link crew kids is talking to me about her struggles as well and i'm really trying to help, really, but i feel so damn hypocritical! i'm honestly trying to recover, but only once i get to my gw.. i feel ridiculous. ugh.
anyway last night, sunday, was kind of a successful fast.. i know i know, it's either a successful fast or it's not really a fast is it? well, i'll explain. so i went all day, all evening, no food. convinced parents i had eggs for breakfast, and i wasn't feeling well enough for dinner, which was actually pretty true. i hadn't had near enough water this weekend so i had a headache, and not eating gives me nausea (what the hell?) so i didn't really want to eat, but i was still craving junk food of course. that'll never change. so, i was in bed, set to sleep, on the phone with my boyfriend.. when my nausea just overwhelmed me. out of nowhere it seemed i felt like i was going to die retching. i started crying, and half explained to him how awful i felt, that i needed to go to bed, so we said goodnight and i lay there crying for a minute. i decided to get up, turn the heater off, and the fan on. cold air always helps nausea for me. i tried sleeping again but it was so overwhelming, i went over to the garbage can and stuck my fingers down. nothing. i thought maybe that's all i needed, but two seconds later, it was back. so i kept at it, and a little came up. mind you i had only eaten plain cinnamon sticks (0 cals, lots of flavour, last long, gets rid of appetite, and boosts metabolism - what more do you want?) i think a couple of them, or just one, and some diet coke and water. so up came cinnamon stomach acid. it was weird. not much came up, and i thought hey i've barely had any, maybe that was it.
still couldn't sleep. i went up to the bathroom and tried full force, and up came more and more, two big upchucks, cinnamon flavoured and burning. it looked like melted chocolate mixed with egg whites. ugh. so, it still persisted.. i knew what i had to do to get some rest and relief. i had a few bites of an extra lean deli chicken slice, and three or so fingertips of sour cream with maybe seven shreds of cheddar cheese. it was one of those premade nacho dips. like i know in my head that at most it was like 120 cals, at absolute most!, but my ana side wanted to vomit again. i couldn't, my nausea had finally been subdued, and my mum's bedroom light had turned on, down the hall from the echoing bathroom and loud fridge. it was looking bad for me, the way i saw the situation she'd see me in. so i ran back downstairs into my room, and fell asleep with no problems. fuck, nausea, i would have had three extremely successful fasts in eight days. and you make me binge on dairy and chicken. great.
well i already have a plan for today: skipped breakfast, because i got the protein at midnight last night so it really just evened it out. i even made the egg whites, put the dirty dishes in the sink, and fed the whites to the dog. well some of them i threw out, in case my mum came down the hall to the kitchen while she was eating them still.. now, threw out my chicken for lunch, to help even out calories, and i'll only eat half my apple and half my yogurt, to even out calories. celery and cucumbers are fine to eat of course. and for dinner, a marinated blue menu president's choice mediterranean chicken breast, only 140 cals, and a salad on the side, so dinner won't be more than 250 cals no matter what! yay. so total, overestimating, for the day, 325 cals. approximately. thank god. add in the binge, 450 cals about. sigh. it's alright, i just have to reach a goal by friday morning.. my first ever breaking 97 lbs. i need 96 lbs, to prove it is possible, because ii swear it isn't, my biody absolutely refuses! no matter what i do. so this better work. i also play futsal tonight, joined mum and sister's team in the women's league, lucky me, considering i'm not legally an adult. need the exercise.
and now i need to study for a test today, great. i better be able to stay on top of this plan today, sets me up for the whole week ahead! wish me luck lovelies!