had an absolutely terrible dream two nights ago. that bitch who got way in between my boyfriend and i when i was in malaysia was with two of her friends who i don't really talk to, and they were on a train leaning out the window at me, standign on the platform. all i remember before i woke up was turning around, away from them to walk away, and the bitch said somethign i couldn't hear over the engine starting. i turned back and said 'what did you say to me?' and she just laughed. her friends laughed, but repeated it. she had called me fat, pretty much. knowing my issues with food, she called me fat. (in real life she has no idea, why would she? idon't talk to her at all. but in the dream, somehow i knew she knew) and then i woke up. i had woken up four times that night, two nights ago, as i had taken too many laxies the day before to account for my binge.. kept waking up, running to the bathroom. so those four times, every time i awoke with a memory of a bad dream, those girls ganging up on me, but i only remembered the worst insult: 'fat' it really got on my nerves, even though it didn't happen.. she caleld me a whore before for no reason, and being called fat would actually hurt me. she doesn't know that or she would use it. i'm a little scared now..
anyway other than that, thigns are going alright. still 'sick', aka still have some effects o f the laxies as i took just one last night, so i've been saying i'm sick, stomach issues, to my mum, and it's true, it's come out both ways - she just doesn't have to know i made it happen, both ways. so i've gotten to miss some school, good, but bad because i just ran from bed to bathroom, multiple times, when i was home. oh well. i weighed in at 97 lbs even this morning, thank god, so now i get to go extra hard today to see that new number on the scale! i'm not asking for a whole 1 lbs even, i'll take .5 lbs no problem! just, something..
so that is where i'm at. desperate to lose just that little bit, to change the number on the scale, even in that minor way.. because i have never been lower than 97 lbs, no matter what the hell i do. seriously. i could be 97 lbs, and fast for the next day, not even drink water, and still be 97 lbs the next day! it's insane. so i'm going to keep trying though, just keep trying like this, and eventually the plateau will break.
it will break.
this girl...do you still see her? Is she fat?
ReplyDeleteWow, 97lbs is amazing, just amazing!
ugh i see her all the time, it's terrible.. and no actually unfortunately she is pretty skinny, but not in a good way.. like she has no figure. she's pretty flat, and she's a hockey player so her forearms are massive, she has no hips or a curve there, it's like a board straight down from underarm to hip, and she has no ass whatsoever. i dno't envy her thinness at all, it's an ugly body. thankfully ahah
ReplyDeleteand thank you so mucb =) i really appreciate the support! in fact i believe this support is what's helped me break 97 lbs! thank you so much!