i feel damn good today, despite the extremely dreary weather outside. it's a medium blue grey, grime caked on the windows and sidewalks, rain sputtering from the heavy clouds, wind rushing like it's late for something. since it's only a half day at school, parent teacher interviews tonight (thank god i don't need any, my exercise science grade is slipping, and i can see my writer's craft grade about to drop if i don't get my ass in gear) so i figured it didn't really matter what i wore to school. so, school sweatpants it is, 'BULLDOGS' on my butt, with my new plain white extra small sweater, and a green and white scarf. no shirt underneath, justsweater and scarf. i love wearing sweaters without shirts, i do it too often, but at least sweaters are extremely forgiving, as they basically just hide all of my torso and upper arms.
so despite what i'm wearing and seeing outside, and in the school i guess; i dislike most of these people, i am feeling sexy. weird i know, my stomach's not even flat! but i had amazing self control yesterday, this is what i ate, with once again calories way overestimated, i mean way, just to be entirely safe:
three egg whites 50 cals
black coffee 2 cals
one and a half extra lean deli chicken slices 140 cals
half a yogurt 20 cals
one bite of celery 5 cals
crydtal light 10 cals
whole tomato 20 cals
cup of broth 10 cals
salmon 260 cals
and that is all! to a total of.. 517 cals! and i know it's overestimating, prettty sure my chicken was less, and definitely the tomato/broth/celery/yogurt/egg whites. any of those are probably overestimated, i made only three and a half egg whites and threw away the skin it formed in the pan and a good sized two bites of it, becaus ei'm being made to eat four egg whites a day now for protein, part of the deal. sigh. but 517 cals! overestimating! love it. so that is why if eel sexy, and it is my fast day remember! every thursday from now on i think, perfect 'cause of work, perfect excuses, and i just don't make a lunch/pretend i did/throw it out/have some celery, 'cause hey, celery won't kill me, probably would help more than hurt. as for egg whites.. got away with lying today as my mum only got out of bed to drive me to school since she has an appointment and got a supply teacher for the morning. hope all you guys feel sexy today! it's a wonderful feeling, as i'm sure some of you know!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
i wanna go
tried to post yesterday, but got a lax attack. sigh. so i had to log off my computer here in the student services at school and rush off to the bathroom, to remain for approximately fifteen minutes, as i stayed silent when people came in until they left. didn't want anyone to know what was going on obviously. then there was a uni fair in my caf, so i went with my boyfriend. i'm starting to like algoma, never heard of it till yesterday even. but i really do. still love mcmaster, western, memorial, and acadia. and i guess carleton, sigh, my most likely destination as it's the only one not away from home. unfortunately. i'd like to leave, but no one else wants me to, even for my own 'personal growth' i call it, but really i just want to be completely independent and just away from all this here.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.
Friday, October 14, 2011
skeptics and true believers
people don't always believe in me. they either don't believe i can make it as a clinical psychologist, that i can't maintain an eighty five average, that i won't reach my goal weight, among many other things. then there are the few, namely all of you, who believe we all can do it, not just me. that we can reach our goals, live life how we want, disregarding others who try to hold us back. i know someone at school like this, we somewhat support each other. we're not friends, we don't talk much, my best friend hates her. i dont' hate her. i don't particularly like her either though, we just have this one thing in common, thinness, and on the very rare ocasion we talk, it's solely for the purpose of comparing food, methods of losing, like for her it's more purging, for me i exercise, i run a lot. we talk about what we eat in a given day, how awful fat days feel, how great morning stomach is, etc. it's useful to have someone around me like that, regardless of the fact we talk maybe once every month and a half, on average. instead, i have all of you! i really appreciate you guys, even though i don't get comments really, and only have fifteen followers, i enjoy reading your blogs and feel we're connected anyway. you guys understand and appreciate the puruit of thinness. i appreciate it. i can't talk to other friends without arguments ensuing, or somewhat serious talks.
now i got that out, i am extremely proud of my past three days!
october eleventh:
written about already in 'time is running out', so maximum 350 cals total.
october twelfth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
soup broth 30
broccoli 130
turkey 150
reggiano parmigiana 90
400
others
coke zero 0
PC diet cola 0
crystal light 10
benefbire 5
15
absolute total: 557 cals
and that's overestimating. i don't eat that much of an apple, i just assume i do. i did not have that much cheese, turkey, and almost deifnitely not broccoli. but to be safe i need to overestimate.
october thirteenth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
0
others
diet coke 2
lemon 5
crystal light 10
12
absolute total: 154 cals
and now it's the fourteenth. sleepover with one of my best friends.. nervous. we usually binge on these sleepovers.. but also go for three or four hour walks. and we are brisk walkers, we don't stroll along. and right after school we're going to rideau centre, downtown ottawa, to shop. i need new shirts especially, more crop tops too to motivate me to keep my stomach flat! she loves crops, she'll help me out there. and if we stay for a few hours, all that walking.. then pretend to have had dinner there so i don't have to eat at her place, and hopefulllly we don't get junk! i am so close. woke up today extremely nauseous! happen to anybody every from severe restricting? i mean you just read all the calories i've eaten in the past three days, with my BMR and daily activities and working for nearly four and a half hours as a constantly moving hostess last night at under 200 cals.. felt better after i had my egg whites, but because i assumed it was also low blood sugar that made me dizzy as it has before, i had two sips of juice. i feel disgusted,. i had juice. i broke my first rule: no liquid calories unless from fibre supplement or crystal light, one a day. fuck. but i still feel iffy.. dizzy ish, and thankfully empty as can be. feeling odd pains in my chest and stomach area though, hope i shouldn't be worried.. i'm sure it's just adjusting to the new food intake.
also, weighed in at 98 lbs even this morning, half pound loss from saturday morning, and this is after three thanksgivings! hasn't even been a week, and i ate all i wanted on three thanksgivings, and not a week later i lost half a pound! so motivated by this!
i'll need all the support i can get today girls! from the sleepover to just not showing how damn awful i feel right now. send me strength! love you all!
now i got that out, i am extremely proud of my past three days!
october eleventh:
written about already in 'time is running out', so maximum 350 cals total.
october twelfth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
soup broth 30
broccoli 130
turkey 150
reggiano parmigiana 90
400
others
coke zero 0
PC diet cola 0
crystal light 10
benefbire 5
15
absolute total: 557 cals
and that's overestimating. i don't eat that much of an apple, i just assume i do. i did not have that much cheese, turkey, and almost deifnitely not broccoli. but to be safe i need to overestimate.
october thirteenth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
0
others
diet coke 2
lemon 5
crystal light 10
12
absolute total: 154 cals
and now it's the fourteenth. sleepover with one of my best friends.. nervous. we usually binge on these sleepovers.. but also go for three or four hour walks. and we are brisk walkers, we don't stroll along. and right after school we're going to rideau centre, downtown ottawa, to shop. i need new shirts especially, more crop tops too to motivate me to keep my stomach flat! she loves crops, she'll help me out there. and if we stay for a few hours, all that walking.. then pretend to have had dinner there so i don't have to eat at her place, and hopefulllly we don't get junk! i am so close. woke up today extremely nauseous! happen to anybody every from severe restricting? i mean you just read all the calories i've eaten in the past three days, with my BMR and daily activities and working for nearly four and a half hours as a constantly moving hostess last night at under 200 cals.. felt better after i had my egg whites, but because i assumed it was also low blood sugar that made me dizzy as it has before, i had two sips of juice. i feel disgusted,. i had juice. i broke my first rule: no liquid calories unless from fibre supplement or crystal light, one a day. fuck. but i still feel iffy.. dizzy ish, and thankfully empty as can be. feeling odd pains in my chest and stomach area though, hope i shouldn't be worried.. i'm sure it's just adjusting to the new food intake.
also, weighed in at 98 lbs even this morning, half pound loss from saturday morning, and this is after three thanksgivings! hasn't even been a week, and i ate all i wanted on three thanksgivings, and not a week later i lost half a pound! so motivated by this!
i'll need all the support i can get today girls! from the sleepover to just not showing how damn awful i feel right now. send me strength! love you all!
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
time is running out
'and our time is running out, and our time is running out.. you can't push it underground, you can't stop it screaming out; how did it come to this?'
an excellent question.. i really have no idea how it came to this. why did i weigh 101 lbs this morning? surely thanksgivings, although three of them, couldn't make me gain 3 lbs in three days.. could they? a terrifying thought. 98.5 lbs saturday morning, 101.5 lbs this morning, though i did still have pyjamas on, albeit thin, loose ones. i count that as the extra half. it's ridiculous. another one coming, too..
so, to compensate, i ate maximum 350 cals yesterday:
breakfast
black coffee 2
2
lunch
celery 10
cucumber 10
yogurt 30
crystal light 10
60
dinner
chicken broth 40
tomato paste with lentils 150
190
others
sugar free mint 10
excel lemon gum 5
half slice turkey breast 35
10
absolute total: 302 cals
but, i can't trust that that's all i ate. i believe the lentils and tomato paste had more, and i'm really not sure about the turkey breast slices. i barely ate any, giving the rest to my adorable bear of a dog, so i'm estimating half of a slice.. sounds about right actually. the calories though, i'm not sure of. same with the lentils. so although i calculate 302 cals, i say 350 cals. of course no one knows how little i ate. but it will continue. fuck thanksgiving. can't wait to reach my old low, 97 lbs, and to reach a new one - 96 lbs. it will come, if not this weekend, then the next. one more thanksgiving to get through, but if i maintain my intake under 500 cals a day til this sunday, the damage will be prevented. still no ice cream or whipped cream, no potatoes or butter. but to compensate, since everyone knows whipped potatoes are my favourite, slathered with melting butter and thick gravy, i'll stil have as much gravy as i like. and since it's from scratch, roast turkey drippings, there will be a limited amount, so i can't even have all i really want. and white meat only, but that's a given. snacks are a danger, before dinner, yet i can't have dairy so all cheese options, the highest calorie, are out of the question. i don't drink calories except crystal light, so water and diet pop (if they have any even) it is. always magazines to read for us, i can immerse myself in one, or play video games with my younger cousin if need be.
even if i don't always follow my plans perfectly, i need to have one. it's a safety net. to know i'm prepard, i've thought this through, i'm not going into anything with anxiety; i've prepared. i've thought ahead. i have a plan. it feels safe. but my time is running out to prevent the damage, since i have to repair the damage already done this past weekend. i'm terrified i won't be prepared for this sunday, that i won't be back to 98 lbs at least by sunday morning, to be able to have dinner joyfully, normally, that evening. what if the damage is done, and it takes another week to reverse it? this sunday's thanksgiving will only backtrack my progress further. fuck thanksgiving.
an excellent question.. i really have no idea how it came to this. why did i weigh 101 lbs this morning? surely thanksgivings, although three of them, couldn't make me gain 3 lbs in three days.. could they? a terrifying thought. 98.5 lbs saturday morning, 101.5 lbs this morning, though i did still have pyjamas on, albeit thin, loose ones. i count that as the extra half. it's ridiculous. another one coming, too..
so, to compensate, i ate maximum 350 cals yesterday:
breakfast
black coffee 2
2
lunch
celery 10
cucumber 10
yogurt 30
crystal light 10
60
dinner
chicken broth 40
tomato paste with lentils 150
190
others
sugar free mint 10
excel lemon gum 5
half slice turkey breast 35
10
absolute total: 302 cals
but, i can't trust that that's all i ate. i believe the lentils and tomato paste had more, and i'm really not sure about the turkey breast slices. i barely ate any, giving the rest to my adorable bear of a dog, so i'm estimating half of a slice.. sounds about right actually. the calories though, i'm not sure of. same with the lentils. so although i calculate 302 cals, i say 350 cals. of course no one knows how little i ate. but it will continue. fuck thanksgiving. can't wait to reach my old low, 97 lbs, and to reach a new one - 96 lbs. it will come, if not this weekend, then the next. one more thanksgiving to get through, but if i maintain my intake under 500 cals a day til this sunday, the damage will be prevented. still no ice cream or whipped cream, no potatoes or butter. but to compensate, since everyone knows whipped potatoes are my favourite, slathered with melting butter and thick gravy, i'll stil have as much gravy as i like. and since it's from scratch, roast turkey drippings, there will be a limited amount, so i can't even have all i really want. and white meat only, but that's a given. snacks are a danger, before dinner, yet i can't have dairy so all cheese options, the highest calorie, are out of the question. i don't drink calories except crystal light, so water and diet pop (if they have any even) it is. always magazines to read for us, i can immerse myself in one, or play video games with my younger cousin if need be.
even if i don't always follow my plans perfectly, i need to have one. it's a safety net. to know i'm prepard, i've thought this through, i'm not going into anything with anxiety; i've prepared. i've thought ahead. i have a plan. it feels safe. but my time is running out to prevent the damage, since i have to repair the damage already done this past weekend. i'm terrified i won't be prepared for this sunday, that i won't be back to 98 lbs at least by sunday morning, to be able to have dinner joyfully, normally, that evening. what if the damage is done, and it takes another week to reverse it? this sunday's thanksgiving will only backtrack my progress further. fuck thanksgiving.
Tuesday, October 11, 2011
feeling good
feel really odd saying that i feel good, because it's not quite 'good' that i feel. it's not bad, it's not excellent, it's not terrible, it's just odd. a good odd. i know i keep saying this ahah but i really want to upload a picture! if i do as well as i want to this week, i'll get one of my best friends to take it for me on friday, if we end up finalising our plans. i was 98.5 lbs on saturday morning, before my first of four thanksgivings. yes, four fucking thanksgivings. fuck thanksgiving, fuck family time, fuck food. but before all that, i was 98.5 lbs completely unexpectedly! thought i had gained, thought i was for sure at at least 101 lbs if not 102 lbs.. but i am so not complaining. but then there came three fucking thanksgivings in succession. my fourth is this sunday. surprisingly waking up this morning after the three, i didn't feel humongous. i felt relatively empty.. probably because my body began to 'return to normal digesting and metabolising' and whatnot after being restricted.. i can't explain it well out loud, but in my head it makes perfect sense. i'm going to restrict perfectly til this sunday though to see how well i do, to reverse damage done this weekend, and to prevent dame from being done this sunday. also, back off dairy again, ran my first 5k ever this weekend on sunday, and i did very well for my first! time: 26:01 minutes, first 5k ever, and my throat practically closed - doctors have thought i was asthmatic since i was three apparently but i never did anything about it and it never really bothers me, wheezing or whatever. first time it decided to close. took me off dairy as a kid and everything went well with all other symptoms, so hopefully going off dairy will rid of my breathing issues if it's not asthma. next race: about a month, going to beat 25 minutes. so anyway no dairy means no whipped potatoes and no butter, so consequently no bread, and no ice cream or whipped cream and potentially no pie. i'm good with all that.
also, friday, went to that party thing.. had fun, til right before i was going to leave, i was hugging a guy goodbye who was so wasted. in his drunken stupor he kept saying how much he loved me and my boyfriend together, and telling us to never break up, we were awesome, and great friends, etc etc. he wouldn't let go as we were hugging, all the while saying how awesome my boyfriend and i are together, me laughing, and i had a crop top on. everyone agreed i looked hot. tight skinny jeans, short loose crop top, none of it mine even. so as he was hugging me, he pulled the back up unintentionally, for the whole kitchen table playing cards to see - but to see what, my back? wow, so scandalous, eh? so my link crew partner said jokingly 'dana, pull your shirt down you look like a whore!' smile laughing at me. then SHE, that fucking bitch i've talked about, with my boyfriend and everything, who hasn't said one word to me and vice versa for the past eight months since i found out, had the nerve to say 'yeah. you kinda do.' i was infuriated. i was the bigger person, knowing it would piss her off, and didn't even look the bitch in the eye as i laughed to my link partner and exaggerated pulling it down at the back to say 'is that better?' to her, ignoring the bitch entirely, and walked out of the room. but fuck, am i not going to forget this. one of my best friends who i have plans with friday, and her friend who i'm pretty alright friends with also, are incredibly confused, just as much as i am, about why she said anything. they're going to find out for me, best as they can. but if she thinks that just because i acted as the bigger person, i'm going to forget it, she's fucking insane. i was wearing her best friends' clothing as well, not even my own. pretty much insulting them too. she'll get what's coming to her.
ugh. anyway. been reading portia de rossi's bok, unbearable lightness. i am in love with it, halfway through. how she started it out feels exactly how i'm starting out.. it's amazing to read about someone else's journey that hits so close to home on all accounts, except for height/weight ratio. also going to do some renovations on my blog, bored with it.
depsite the bitch, the fucking thanksgivings, and the ever present nausea, i'm feeling a good odd. can't wait to hit 97 lbs once again.
also, friday, went to that party thing.. had fun, til right before i was going to leave, i was hugging a guy goodbye who was so wasted. in his drunken stupor he kept saying how much he loved me and my boyfriend together, and telling us to never break up, we were awesome, and great friends, etc etc. he wouldn't let go as we were hugging, all the while saying how awesome my boyfriend and i are together, me laughing, and i had a crop top on. everyone agreed i looked hot. tight skinny jeans, short loose crop top, none of it mine even. so as he was hugging me, he pulled the back up unintentionally, for the whole kitchen table playing cards to see - but to see what, my back? wow, so scandalous, eh? so my link crew partner said jokingly 'dana, pull your shirt down you look like a whore!' smile laughing at me. then SHE, that fucking bitch i've talked about, with my boyfriend and everything, who hasn't said one word to me and vice versa for the past eight months since i found out, had the nerve to say 'yeah. you kinda do.' i was infuriated. i was the bigger person, knowing it would piss her off, and didn't even look the bitch in the eye as i laughed to my link partner and exaggerated pulling it down at the back to say 'is that better?' to her, ignoring the bitch entirely, and walked out of the room. but fuck, am i not going to forget this. one of my best friends who i have plans with friday, and her friend who i'm pretty alright friends with also, are incredibly confused, just as much as i am, about why she said anything. they're going to find out for me, best as they can. but if she thinks that just because i acted as the bigger person, i'm going to forget it, she's fucking insane. i was wearing her best friends' clothing as well, not even my own. pretty much insulting them too. she'll get what's coming to her.
ugh. anyway. been reading portia de rossi's bok, unbearable lightness. i am in love with it, halfway through. how she started it out feels exactly how i'm starting out.. it's amazing to read about someone else's journey that hits so close to home on all accounts, except for height/weight ratio. also going to do some renovations on my blog, bored with it.
depsite the bitch, the fucking thanksgivings, and the ever present nausea, i'm feeling a good odd. can't wait to hit 97 lbs once again.
Friday, October 07, 2011
that's not my name
since reading 'the best little girl in the world' by steven levenkron, i find myself thinking of kessa a lot. same height, same starting weight. same issue. though in reality i'm not sure if my fear of gaining weight or being fat is actually of something else.. i know i have my insecurities, and it makes me feel safer, etc etc, but i can't think of any underlying issue that would cause this, other than gaining 20 lbs without noticing, and losing most of it in two months. i know people say you can't really diagnose yourself, you can't figure out your own mind, only doctors do that, psychiatrists, psychologists. but i believe i can. i have selfdiagnosed in the past, and it always turned out proven right, confirmed by the 'professionals' ahah, and same with my crazy mind, i've discovered things about myself i ordinarily wouldn't have, things that others wouldn't be able to discover about themselves. i know a psychologist could get me there, but they can get almost anyone there - i can get myself there. thing is, this is the one thing i can't figure out. i was (slightly) fat. i know i exaggerate how fat i was, but i was 120 lbs, and at my height, it was carrying a lot of weight, especially being 100 lbs on average up til that point without really trying. i didn't even notice it, the worst part.. knew i gained a little, didn't notice how much til others brutally pointed it out. like my grandfather, upon seeing me for the first time since returning from malaysia:
"what, did you get fat or something over there? not healthy you know to gain so much weight"
all in his gruff, judgemental voice. my nanny said something too, but much kinder:
"think you gained a little bit of weight over there? look a little bit bigger.. not big, but bigger"
which still pissed me off, but i didn' take it to heart as much as what my grandfather said.
so, i felt incredibly fat. i honestly thing it's all about weight, appearance. i wrote a memoir for writer's craft that outlined my disordered eating patterns, from my earliest memory of a bad eating experience in the sixth grade which carried on subconsciously throughout the rest of middle school, and i only began to realise the effects in high school, when in ninth, freshman year, i slipped into depression, withdrew from everything, began to think about my appearance in terms of weight for the first time. before then, my appearance was all in the hair, the face, skin, clothing. i never worried about weight too much, i just didn't like eating in front of people ever, especially boys, since that sixth grade occurrence:
"oh, my god, stop eating that right now," said *patricia, looking horrified at me eating my pita. it was pita tuesday, and my pitas always had mayonnaise and cheese. i had just taken a bite; globs of oily mayonnaise and chunks of orange cheese seeped out of the corners. "why? stop what?" i was confused. she said "that's gross. *marc was looking at you when you started eating and he looked so disgusted." my heart sank, *marc was the guy i had crushed on for years, all throughout elementary school. i stopped eating it, white and orange fat oozing onto the floor where i left it. the rest of my lunch went untouched.
i remember the entire event with perfect detail, but it would take a lot of room to write it all, no one wants to read that ahah. it's in my memoir, not allll of it because i guess there's unnecessary detail, but more detail than this. but only in ninth did i start to think about weight instead of just face/hair/skin/clothing.
funny, how it rested in my subconscious for so long.. and emerged ever so casually, gradually.. to have this much of an effect on me. these books do too, i'm picking up 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi today, came in the library finally. read six or seven of these book sin the past two weeks. the last one, the best little girl in the world, has a lasting effect on me.. she would chant 'kes-sa, kes-sa' when she resisted food or as forced food, her created name from her regular name, francesca. kessa was created when the disorder was. made me think of me and alice, my created name.. i'm sure you've all figured it out that alice ana isn't my real name ahah but i created this side of me i guess, that book showed me that.. just like she created kessa to deal with it, alice deals with it for me. now i can't help but hear 'al-ice, al-ice' when i'm confronted with food, particularly unhealthy food. as of now, i don't mind, but we'll see how i deal with it if it persists or worsens.. can't wait for my psychologist.. won't talk about food, he will never know for fear of being forced to stop what i'm doing before i really get started, but for my depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, past self medication and self harm.. hopefully within a month. as of now, i'll let alice take over.
"what, did you get fat or something over there? not healthy you know to gain so much weight"
all in his gruff, judgemental voice. my nanny said something too, but much kinder:
"think you gained a little bit of weight over there? look a little bit bigger.. not big, but bigger"
which still pissed me off, but i didn' take it to heart as much as what my grandfather said.
so, i felt incredibly fat. i honestly thing it's all about weight, appearance. i wrote a memoir for writer's craft that outlined my disordered eating patterns, from my earliest memory of a bad eating experience in the sixth grade which carried on subconsciously throughout the rest of middle school, and i only began to realise the effects in high school, when in ninth, freshman year, i slipped into depression, withdrew from everything, began to think about my appearance in terms of weight for the first time. before then, my appearance was all in the hair, the face, skin, clothing. i never worried about weight too much, i just didn't like eating in front of people ever, especially boys, since that sixth grade occurrence:
"oh, my god, stop eating that right now," said *patricia, looking horrified at me eating my pita. it was pita tuesday, and my pitas always had mayonnaise and cheese. i had just taken a bite; globs of oily mayonnaise and chunks of orange cheese seeped out of the corners. "why? stop what?" i was confused. she said "that's gross. *marc was looking at you when you started eating and he looked so disgusted." my heart sank, *marc was the guy i had crushed on for years, all throughout elementary school. i stopped eating it, white and orange fat oozing onto the floor where i left it. the rest of my lunch went untouched.
i remember the entire event with perfect detail, but it would take a lot of room to write it all, no one wants to read that ahah. it's in my memoir, not allll of it because i guess there's unnecessary detail, but more detail than this. but only in ninth did i start to think about weight instead of just face/hair/skin/clothing.
funny, how it rested in my subconscious for so long.. and emerged ever so casually, gradually.. to have this much of an effect on me. these books do too, i'm picking up 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi today, came in the library finally. read six or seven of these book sin the past two weeks. the last one, the best little girl in the world, has a lasting effect on me.. she would chant 'kes-sa, kes-sa' when she resisted food or as forced food, her created name from her regular name, francesca. kessa was created when the disorder was. made me think of me and alice, my created name.. i'm sure you've all figured it out that alice ana isn't my real name ahah but i created this side of me i guess, that book showed me that.. just like she created kessa to deal with it, alice deals with it for me. now i can't help but hear 'al-ice, al-ice' when i'm confronted with food, particularly unhealthy food. as of now, i don't mind, but we'll see how i deal with it if it persists or worsens.. can't wait for my psychologist.. won't talk about food, he will never know for fear of being forced to stop what i'm doing before i really get started, but for my depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, past self medication and self harm.. hopefully within a month. as of now, i'll let alice take over.
Wednesday, October 05, 2011
teenagers
americaneagle, i realllly hope you see this, i've been trying to reply to your posts, the last two, but no matter what computer i'm on it says 'The following errors were found: Input error: cookie value is null for FormRestoration' word for word.. if anyone has any help for me regarding this, please let me know! i miss commenting on her blog.
i wish i could have been posting this past week, or however long it's been since i last posted.. i just feel all over the place, fattening up, trying to eat well, then feeling twice as bloated the next day, where i would eat more anyway and then wake up the next day way less bloated! what the fuck! i'm getting so sick of it. and now thanksgiving is this weekend. great. like i don't have enough trouble or nagging about food. twice i'm going to my boyfriend's family get togethers.. saturday with his dad's side including old and young cousins (none around his age/my age/same thing) uncles aunts, monday with his mum and sisters. pumpkin pie and whipped cream both times. already agreed with my boyfriend though upon serving sizes and amount of whipped cream allowed (i'm a whipped cream fiend!) and then how my plate will look: one half vegetables, ie green beans and carrots, one third white meat only, the remaining one sixth will be for mashed potatoes with some gravy for both the meat and potatoes - no butter this year! and no dinner rolls. obviously still no liquid calories, never cheat on that unless it's crystal light, which is maximum 10 cals if not 5 cals.
i'm still worried.. also have my first race this sunday! only a 5km but still, it's astart into the race world, even if they're non competitive races basically. saw a commercial for another one later in october, i'm thinking of it too now, if there's a 5km option.. not ready for 10km yet, not just yet.. need to get my ass in gear to run again before the race though this weekend, been slacking. for a reasno though! been sick. terrible cough, stuffed up, sneezing, pms cramps/indigestion/whatever it was. also need to study for a test i missed yesterday because of benig sick, no idea when i ahve to do it, i have to make a rough draft for basically today if not tomorrow by latest in writer's craft for my memoir, and the memories are all there clearly put, but i don't know what my focus is anymore.. the social isolation aspect, or the appearance aspect, or my overall 'why i am who i am' including both. sigh. i feel so fucked.
also, restarted the paleo diet - kind of the four hour body diet, but i'm allowing myself one piece of fruit a day - one small organic apple. i'll do my absolute best to report back tomorrow how i do today with it, ebcause last time i did this diet only for four days i lost about 3 lbs. if i stick with it this time and don't go crazy on the one cheat day per week, i can do so well. i've set up all my ground rules, pretty much the diet, but on cheat days i'm allowing myself one or two things to cheat with, and i must eat the (however minimal) breakfast, lunch, and dinner first, and no eating past midnight on those days. all weekdays, no eating past seven, and weekends other than cheat day, it's eleven. i feel better repeating the rules to myself, keeping them on my ipod with me. and, taking PGX pills - my grandparents do it, or my grandpa does anyway, and has at least twenty bottles of them. i take the second minimum, six a day. but if i feel provisions run out too quickly and it might become noticeable to him things are disappearing faster, i'll cut to four a day, one in the morning, two at lunch, one at dinner. not entirely sure what they do but i haven't binged when i've taken them in the past. whatever i'll track that progress.
also, 'the best little girl in the world - steven levenkron' is a great book. loved it. read int wo days, easy read, but so well done. found spelling errors/typos and grammatical errors though, bothered me, but well done. and she started at my height, 5'4", and 98 lbs, my second lowest weight. so i felt it was a great reference for me. either way a good book, read so many lately, forget some of the titles.. well, more on hold, just waiting to come in now! and i should get to class, starting soon. sigh. hope i don't get fucked up again.
and i'll explain the party tomorrow. ugh.
yay for the lives of teenagers. i may not be a common teenager, the average teenager, but teenagers' lives in general are fucked. personally i just deal with a lot more shit than all the ones i know though. i feel like i'm on tv for one of those shows, with all the issues going on that i haven't even written about here, regardless of the ones i have! i'm a regular live walking teen soap.
i wish i could have been posting this past week, or however long it's been since i last posted.. i just feel all over the place, fattening up, trying to eat well, then feeling twice as bloated the next day, where i would eat more anyway and then wake up the next day way less bloated! what the fuck! i'm getting so sick of it. and now thanksgiving is this weekend. great. like i don't have enough trouble or nagging about food. twice i'm going to my boyfriend's family get togethers.. saturday with his dad's side including old and young cousins (none around his age/my age/same thing) uncles aunts, monday with his mum and sisters. pumpkin pie and whipped cream both times. already agreed with my boyfriend though upon serving sizes and amount of whipped cream allowed (i'm a whipped cream fiend!) and then how my plate will look: one half vegetables, ie green beans and carrots, one third white meat only, the remaining one sixth will be for mashed potatoes with some gravy for both the meat and potatoes - no butter this year! and no dinner rolls. obviously still no liquid calories, never cheat on that unless it's crystal light, which is maximum 10 cals if not 5 cals.
i'm still worried.. also have my first race this sunday! only a 5km but still, it's astart into the race world, even if they're non competitive races basically. saw a commercial for another one later in october, i'm thinking of it too now, if there's a 5km option.. not ready for 10km yet, not just yet.. need to get my ass in gear to run again before the race though this weekend, been slacking. for a reasno though! been sick. terrible cough, stuffed up, sneezing, pms cramps/indigestion/whatever it was. also need to study for a test i missed yesterday because of benig sick, no idea when i ahve to do it, i have to make a rough draft for basically today if not tomorrow by latest in writer's craft for my memoir, and the memories are all there clearly put, but i don't know what my focus is anymore.. the social isolation aspect, or the appearance aspect, or my overall 'why i am who i am' including both. sigh. i feel so fucked.
also, restarted the paleo diet - kind of the four hour body diet, but i'm allowing myself one piece of fruit a day - one small organic apple. i'll do my absolute best to report back tomorrow how i do today with it, ebcause last time i did this diet only for four days i lost about 3 lbs. if i stick with it this time and don't go crazy on the one cheat day per week, i can do so well. i've set up all my ground rules, pretty much the diet, but on cheat days i'm allowing myself one or two things to cheat with, and i must eat the (however minimal) breakfast, lunch, and dinner first, and no eating past midnight on those days. all weekdays, no eating past seven, and weekends other than cheat day, it's eleven. i feel better repeating the rules to myself, keeping them on my ipod with me. and, taking PGX pills - my grandparents do it, or my grandpa does anyway, and has at least twenty bottles of them. i take the second minimum, six a day. but if i feel provisions run out too quickly and it might become noticeable to him things are disappearing faster, i'll cut to four a day, one in the morning, two at lunch, one at dinner. not entirely sure what they do but i haven't binged when i've taken them in the past. whatever i'll track that progress.
also, 'the best little girl in the world - steven levenkron' is a great book. loved it. read int wo days, easy read, but so well done. found spelling errors/typos and grammatical errors though, bothered me, but well done. and she started at my height, 5'4", and 98 lbs, my second lowest weight. so i felt it was a great reference for me. either way a good book, read so many lately, forget some of the titles.. well, more on hold, just waiting to come in now! and i should get to class, starting soon. sigh. hope i don't get fucked up again.
and i'll explain the party tomorrow. ugh.
yay for the lives of teenagers. i may not be a common teenager, the average teenager, but teenagers' lives in general are fucked. personally i just deal with a lot more shit than all the ones i know though. i feel like i'm on tv for one of those shows, with all the issues going on that i haven't even written about here, regardless of the ones i have! i'm a regular live walking teen soap.
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