since reading 'the best little girl in the world' by steven levenkron, i find myself thinking of kessa a lot. same height, same starting weight. same issue. though in reality i'm not sure if my fear of gaining weight or being fat is actually of something else.. i know i have my insecurities, and it makes me feel safer, etc etc, but i can't think of any underlying issue that would cause this, other than gaining 20 lbs without noticing, and losing most of it in two months. i know people say you can't really diagnose yourself, you can't figure out your own mind, only doctors do that, psychiatrists, psychologists. but i believe i can. i have selfdiagnosed in the past, and it always turned out proven right, confirmed by the 'professionals' ahah, and same with my crazy mind, i've discovered things about myself i ordinarily wouldn't have, things that others wouldn't be able to discover about themselves. i know a psychologist could get me there, but they can get almost anyone there - i can get myself there. thing is, this is the one thing i can't figure out. i was (slightly) fat. i know i exaggerate how fat i was, but i was 120 lbs, and at my height, it was carrying a lot of weight, especially being 100 lbs on average up til that point without really trying. i didn't even notice it, the worst part.. knew i gained a little, didn't notice how much til others brutally pointed it out. like my grandfather, upon seeing me for the first time since returning from malaysia:
"what, did you get fat or something over there? not healthy you know to gain so much weight"
all in his gruff, judgemental voice. my nanny said something too, but much kinder:
"think you gained a little bit of weight over there? look a little bit bigger.. not big, but bigger"
which still pissed me off, but i didn' take it to heart as much as what my grandfather said.
so, i felt incredibly fat. i honestly thing it's all about weight, appearance. i wrote a memoir for writer's craft that outlined my disordered eating patterns, from my earliest memory of a bad eating experience in the sixth grade which carried on subconsciously throughout the rest of middle school, and i only began to realise the effects in high school, when in ninth, freshman year, i slipped into depression, withdrew from everything, began to think about my appearance in terms of weight for the first time. before then, my appearance was all in the hair, the face, skin, clothing. i never worried about weight too much, i just didn't like eating in front of people ever, especially boys, since that sixth grade occurrence:
"oh, my god, stop eating that right now," said *patricia, looking horrified at me eating my pita. it was pita tuesday, and my pitas always had mayonnaise and cheese. i had just taken a bite; globs of oily mayonnaise and chunks of orange cheese seeped out of the corners. "why? stop what?" i was confused. she said "that's gross. *marc was looking at you when you started eating and he looked so disgusted." my heart sank, *marc was the guy i had crushed on for years, all throughout elementary school. i stopped eating it, white and orange fat oozing onto the floor where i left it. the rest of my lunch went untouched.
i remember the entire event with perfect detail, but it would take a lot of room to write it all, no one wants to read that ahah. it's in my memoir, not allll of it because i guess there's unnecessary detail, but more detail than this. but only in ninth did i start to think about weight instead of just face/hair/skin/clothing.
funny, how it rested in my subconscious for so long.. and emerged ever so casually, gradually.. to have this much of an effect on me. these books do too, i'm picking up 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi today, came in the library finally. read six or seven of these book sin the past two weeks. the last one, the best little girl in the world, has a lasting effect on me.. she would chant 'kes-sa, kes-sa' when she resisted food or as forced food, her created name from her regular name, francesca. kessa was created when the disorder was. made me think of me and alice, my created name.. i'm sure you've all figured it out that alice ana isn't my real name ahah but i created this side of me i guess, that book showed me that.. just like she created kessa to deal with it, alice deals with it for me. now i can't help but hear 'al-ice, al-ice' when i'm confronted with food, particularly unhealthy food. as of now, i don't mind, but we'll see how i deal with it if it persists or worsens.. can't wait for my psychologist.. won't talk about food, he will never know for fear of being forced to stop what i'm doing before i really get started, but for my depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, past self medication and self harm.. hopefully within a month. as of now, i'll let alice take over.
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