so i feel like shit. those goddamn memories, of him and her, boyfriend and the drunken slut, traitor and the pretender, liar and the quiet, won't leave my fucking head again. i don't know why it flared up again but it did. oddly enough while doing something i absolutely love, watching harry potter. SNL was a repeat saturday night, so i flipped channels and harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban was on the next one! i was pretty happy. i had to go to bed before it finished though, i was exhausted, sadly.. but before i decided to go to bed i didn't think i'd be able to, because those images had come back. the ones i've tried so hard to restrain, so hard to bury in my mind, cover it up with everything else i could; thoughts of food, my friends, food, food.. they broke through though. i feel awful. but i have to put on a happy face, give everyone a false pretense of safety about me. ask me how i am and you will be deceived. i'm sorry if i'm scattered or post less in the near future.. last week of school, only one exam, loads of free time i guess, but i'm scared of coming online at my house though i have done it and will do it occasionally.. i have all these plans and goals for summer, and some restrictions and some incredible amounts of freedom, but that's for another post. i don't have much time and of course i feel the need to talk about food.
today is the day i go dairy free! first day without dairy. and when i mean no dairy, i mean hardcore no dairy. no chocolate, no smartfood (weakness!), no yogurt, no pizza, no fettuccine alfredo, no cheese stuffed pasta, etc. the ice cream and chocolate will be my biggest challenge i think, along with smartfood even though i don't have it often (had it last night, as a farewell thing), and actually cheese will be hard, i have alfredo often, and stuffed sachetini and ravioli and such.. and pizza.. and perogies! ahah ah well, see how much healthier i'll be without all that? and thinner!? i'll take it. there is another reason i'm going off dairy though. when i was younger, just a couple years old, i was taken off dairy because i had rashes absolutely covering me, my limbs especially. my mum took me to four doctors and they all gave her creams and antibiotics, and nothing really worked. she took me to a fifth, a naturopath, and after ten minutes told her to take me off dairy. it was all cleared up in a month. i was kept off dairy for four years though, then slowly introduced to it again and i've had no problems since. but i feel maybe it will help my skin be amazing, completely clear, not dry anymore, etc.. and especially with the foods dairy is in, it will help me lose weight. it would be great too if it would help me feel emotionally, not just physically, better. so we'll see, i'm writing in a notebook daily logs of how it seems to be affecting me. i'm so excited!
and i'm wearing an oversize jack daniels, navy and white, short sleeved shirt. love it. just had to say that.
Your allergies to dairy could have been cleared up, but at the same time, you may be having side effects you aren't even aware of. Like bloating and random diarrhea. Going off dairy will be good - and if you're ever in need of calcium, take a couple calcium vitamins (they're good for your hair and nails, too!)
ReplyDeleteI know how hard it is to get over a boyfriend, especially if they're with someone else. It's a bitch. A big fucking bitch. But only time heals all wounds. And just remember, happiness is the best revenge. So by losing weight and making yourself happier, it'll make him feel like shit. Or if he's a good person, he'll be happy for you. And that's all that really matters.
Besides, if he's such a douche to you, why would you want anything to do with him? Men are stupid. All men.
ahah agreed! men are pretty stupid. i must say, i love you! =P i think yuo're great. i love reading your posts as well.
ReplyDeletealso agreed with the revenge thing.. something i was thinking too. i'll look amazing, skinnier and better than that girl (she's prettty skinny.. and he always said he doesn't like really thin girls. well that says otherwise), he'll be stricken.
and actually come to think about it.. those symptoms you mentioned are true, thinking back, i did get random diarrhea, which i haven't in awhile, and bloating even though i avoid salt/sodium like the plague. my skin hasn't really broken out yet and i've felt good since i went off it a week ago, so let's hope it continues!