pulling teeth

sigh, another short post. don't have long before school starts. i feel like destroying myself, because that's essentially what i'm doing with my food. i may as well just start pulling out my teeth, disfiguring myself moreso than i have. i've eaten pretty badly the past three days. THREE DAYS. fuck that. today, i'm eating under 300 cals. apple 60 cals, lunch(vegetables) 35 cals, dinner(half head cauliflower) 110 cals, little cheese on top 40 cals, side salad(no more than) 50 cals. that is maximum 295 cals. i always just feel like once i wake up with morning stmoach, or even semi morning stomach, if eel like i'm in a 'safe zone' of some sort, which i have to stop thinking - it doesn't mean i'm safe, it means i'm on my way to my goal. and it's a red flag because anything i do could just be backtracking. and that's what i've been doing. i am ashamed of the past three days and today i have it planned out meticulously, it is not changing. the only thing that might change would be adding a crystal light in there, making it a total of 305 cals for the day. i forgot to bring one to school, i do that so often i hate it, so maybe one tonight. i realised it's already thursday, the week went by too fast - if i want to stay at a maximum of 101 lbs this weekend for the weigh in, it's restriction restriction restriction til then. friday i have no idea what i'm eating, at my boyfriend's, but we're having people over to watch the game, just two, so no fiormal dinner i don't think with his family. even then i know how to get around it now. i need to stay in his basement, maybe even fall asleep. i love that because when i fall asleep at his place obviously i don't eat, and no one really wants to wake me for anything.. and i get to catch up on lost sleep, an added bonus ahah so it works perfectly. one day at a time though. i feel one of my mistakes is thinking ahead too much. i have to stop thinking about what the scale will say in three, four days, and stop thinking what i'm going to eat the next day, because this day's not over yet and i need to focus on that or i'll end up eating more than intended. one day at a time.