hypnotized

sorry for not posting in like a week.. i've been really up and down. starting to feel like my depression is tunring into bipolar - though i know my ups and downs are definitely not to that extreme. i feel.. weird, though. i do not know how to describe it. my ups are great, feel confident, upbeat, and energetic. then i have my lows, where i feel ugly, fat, lazy, apathetic, and cynical at times. i feel almost hypnotized.. living a life not always mine, feeling deep within what i'm doing isn't always my own actions, but doing them anyway like i can't stop myself, like i'm watching myself from outside my body.. crazy, i know, i know.. can't describe it any better. i don't get it. oh well. it's even the last day of my junior year of high school.. one more to go. sure i have one exam, thursday, but i don't even feel excited for the last day today. i don't feel excited, happy, sad, or anything. just another day to me. i'd be glad to never see these people again to be honest, but i have one more awful senior year to go through. i'm trying to occupy as much time as i can so i never feel bored or like i can do anything - like eat - whenever. i applied for some jobs yesterday, first time ever, and i felt so awkward handing in resumes. i really want a hostessing position - you get tips at least. my sister was a hsotess and now she's a hostess/waitress, and makes a lot in tips. i even applied at the restaurant she works at too. so a few restaurants, and then aerie - you get discounts, and sometimes free bras when shipments come in if they have your size! that's so great. i love all their stuff. even if i don't get it though, once i have a job i can shop more! and my mum's coming home soon ish, month and a week, and she promised to take me shopping and she loves spoiling me anyway, i'm excited. if i can't change anything about my school or people in senior year, i'll look damn good while hating it! also other than just a job for summer, i have goodlife fitness. free memberships for teens months of july and august, so happy. til july.. well i'll have to get off my ass to use my own awful elliptical. then once the summer's over, my mum and i are getting memberships at goodlife for the rest of the year, and since i'm getting my G2 this summer (just have to finish the in car for dirver's ed now) i'll be able to drive a lot more, and learn standard (already have drove standard, but i'm not perfect yet) and since my mum has summers off as a teacher, i'll be able to spend a lot of time with her, which sounds great to me.
so i'm rambling. because i have nothing else to do. because i feel so apathetic i can't even decide if there is anything to do or whatever i'm trying to say. i hope my mood improves throughout the day.. i'll try to get on ehre a lot more often than i have been, i just don't know when i'll be able to anymore. i'll definitely try my hardest! oh ps, i'm back at a stable 100 lbs.. not too bad considering i was terrifyingly close to my start of the year weight, 105 lbs, not too long ago.. (which was incredibly good compared to my start of last summer weight, 120 lbs! lost 15 lbs in less than two months, then 8 lbs throughout the year til i hit 97 lbs.. now i plan to get lower than that) but without changing anything but going dairy free, i'm back to 100 lbs in like two weeks, from that scare. once i hit 99 lbs, hopefully this weekend, i'll know i'm on the right path and start being super strict again. my boyfriend's on edge about my food since going dairy free so i'll have to be careful til then. missed all of you! i'll do my best to connect more!
i must say though i absolutely love camille! just had to give her a shout out, love reading her posts and her comments, she's great!