hypnotized

sorry for not posting in like a week.. i've been really up and down. starting to feel like my depression is tunring into bipolar - though i know my ups and downs are definitely not to that extreme. i feel.. weird, though. i do not know how to describe it. my ups are great, feel confident, upbeat, and energetic. then i have my lows, where i feel ugly, fat, lazy, apathetic, and cynical at times. i feel almost hypnotized.. living a life not always mine, feeling deep within what i'm doing isn't always my own actions, but doing them anyway like i can't stop myself, like i'm watching myself from outside my body.. crazy, i know, i know.. can't describe it any better. i don't get it. oh well. it's even the last day of my junior year of high school.. one more to go. sure i have one exam, thursday, but i don't even feel excited for the last day today. i don't feel excited, happy, sad, or anything. just another day to me. i'd be glad to never see these people again to be honest, but i have one more awful senior year to go through. i'm trying to occupy as much time as i can so i never feel bored or like i can do anything - like eat - whenever. i applied for some jobs yesterday, first time ever, and i felt so awkward handing in resumes. i really want a hostessing position - you get tips at least. my sister was a hsotess and now she's a hostess/waitress, and makes a lot in tips. i even applied at the restaurant she works at too. so a few restaurants, and then aerie - you get discounts, and sometimes free bras when shipments come in if they have your size! that's so great. i love all their stuff. even if i don't get it though, once i have a job i can shop more! and my mum's coming home soon ish, month and a week, and she promised to take me shopping and she loves spoiling me anyway, i'm excited. if i can't change anything about my school or people in senior year, i'll look damn good while hating it! also other than just a job for summer, i have goodlife fitness. free memberships for teens months of july and august, so happy. til july.. well i'll have to get off my ass to use my own awful elliptical. then once the summer's over, my mum and i are getting memberships at goodlife for the rest of the year, and since i'm getting my G2 this summer (just have to finish the in car for dirver's ed now) i'll be able to drive a lot more, and learn standard (already have drove standard, but i'm not perfect yet) and since my mum has summers off as a teacher, i'll be able to spend a lot of time with her, which sounds great to me.
so i'm rambling. because i have nothing else to do. because i feel so apathetic i can't even decide if there is anything to do or whatever i'm trying to say. i hope my mood improves throughout the day.. i'll try to get on ehre a lot more often than i have been, i just don't know when i'll be able to anymore. i'll definitely try my hardest! oh ps, i'm back at a stable 100 lbs.. not too bad considering i was terrifyingly close to my start of the year weight, 105 lbs, not too long ago.. (which was incredibly good compared to my start of last summer weight, 120 lbs! lost 15 lbs in less than two months, then 8 lbs throughout the year til i hit 97 lbs.. now i plan to get lower than that) but without changing anything but going dairy free, i'm back to 100 lbs in like two weeks, from that scare. once i hit 99 lbs, hopefully this weekend, i'll know i'm on the right path and start being super strict again. my boyfriend's on edge about my food since going dairy free so i'll have to be careful til then. missed all of you! i'll do my best to connect more!
i must say though i absolutely love camille! just had to give her a shout out, love reading her posts and her comments, she's great!

ask me how i am

so i feel like shit. those goddamn memories, of him and her, boyfriend and the drunken slut, traitor and the pretender, liar and the quiet, won't leave my fucking head again. i don't know why it flared up again but it did. oddly enough while doing something i absolutely love, watching harry potter. SNL was a repeat saturday night, so i flipped channels and harry potter and the prisoner of azkaban was on the next one! i was pretty happy. i had to go to bed before it finished though, i was exhausted, sadly.. but before i decided to go to bed i didn't think i'd be able to, because those images had come back. the ones i've tried so hard to restrain, so hard to bury in my mind, cover it up with everything else i could; thoughts of food, my friends, food, food.. they broke through though. i feel awful. but i have to put on a happy face, give everyone a false pretense of safety about me. ask me how i am and you will be deceived. i'm sorry if i'm scattered or post less in the near future.. last week of school, only one exam, loads of free time i guess, but i'm scared of coming online at my house though i have done it and will do it occasionally.. i have all these plans and goals for summer, and some restrictions and some incredible amounts of freedom, but that's for another post. i don't have much time and of course i feel the need to talk about food.
today is the day i go dairy free! first day without dairy. and when i mean no dairy, i mean hardcore no dairy. no chocolate, no smartfood (weakness!), no yogurt, no pizza, no fettuccine alfredo, no cheese stuffed pasta, etc. the ice cream and chocolate will be my biggest challenge i think, along with smartfood even though i don't have it often (had it last night, as a farewell thing), and actually cheese will be hard, i have alfredo often, and stuffed sachetini and ravioli and such.. and pizza.. and perogies! ahah ah well, see how much healthier i'll be without all that? and thinner!? i'll take it. there is another reason i'm going off dairy though. when i was younger, just a couple years old, i was taken off dairy because i had rashes absolutely covering me, my limbs especially. my mum took me to four doctors and they all gave her creams and antibiotics, and nothing really worked. she took me to a fifth, a naturopath, and after ten minutes told her to take me off dairy. it was all cleared up in a month. i was kept off dairy for four years though, then slowly introduced to it again and i've had no problems since. but i feel maybe it will help my skin be amazing, completely clear, not dry anymore, etc.. and especially with the foods dairy is in, it will help me lose weight. it would be great too if it would help me feel emotionally, not just physically, better. so we'll see, i'm writing in a notebook daily logs of how it seems to be affecting me. i'm so excited!
and i'm wearing an oversize jack daniels, navy and white, short sleeved shirt. love it. just had to say that.

menomena

that song will not leave my head. i can't believe how entertaining it is, yet how annoying it can get. maybe i'm just irritable in the first place right now.. i ate really well yesterday, no more than 550 cals, because i always overestimate everything, just in case. i read (in a legitimate book about foods and america) that some foods are actually more calories than the package says, so it's better to be safe than sorry! well even though i ate well yesterday, i barely got a morning stomach this morning. i could feel the hunger, which was nice don't get me wrong, but it didn't look hungry. it looked like i ate a medium sized breakfast. i barely eat breakfast in the first place - it's a small apple. and it looked like i ate four, when i had nothing. oh and then of course today is the last day my fitness class is in the weight room.. mind you i guess we only have one week of school left - yay! - next week is the last week, then exam week, and i only have one exam this semester ahah, mixed U and C level math. so not that hard, but math's not exactly my strong suit. my average for grade eleven is 85%, but if math goes lower than the 70% it was at at midterm, i'm screwed. i need this average for early acceptance to uni, so i can coast senior year with a minimum average of 70%, which is no problem for me, i'm taking good/easy courses, all while being able to get into the program i want - psychology. i know i'm going to be a clinical psychologist. undergrad at carleton u, graduate at mcmasters, specialising for a few more years most likely at mcmasters. ANYway, off topic!
the last week of fitness we're playing softball. like the most inactive sport there is in a gym class. sure it's boiling outside for some reason where i live in canada, random storm warnings but we never get hit here.. all areas around us get hit but we haven't been hit in the two day storm warning. we just get all the humidity. so in a way the inactivity is good, but i sweat like crazy anyway, i might as well get some decent exercise! ugh. during spare today i'm going to the school's library to read. i finished all my food books awhile ago, and in the library i found 'even if it kills me' which i had heard about and was on my list to be read, so it's perfect. i just hope i can finish it during all my spares by the end of next week.. really not that much time, i have five more spares only after today's. sigh i'll try, and if not i can come back while friends are in exams and i can read while i wait for them. i'm off to go rest me eyes somewhere, had to get up at 5:13 am to shower 'cause i had no time last night.. and vancouver boston tonight, at least on home ice, hopefully it'll make a difference, but we were killed in boston the past two games.. god i'm tired. kay i'm just going to go read and wait for the last weight room day, last elliptical day for me.. seems like a great day, eh.

pulling teeth

sigh, another short post. don't have long before school starts. i feel like destroying myself, because that's essentially what i'm doing with my food. i may as well just start pulling out my teeth, disfiguring myself moreso than i have. i've eaten pretty badly the past three days. THREE DAYS. fuck that. today, i'm eating under 300 cals. apple 60 cals, lunch(vegetables) 35 cals, dinner(half head cauliflower) 110 cals, little cheese on top 40 cals, side salad(no more than) 50 cals. that is maximum 295 cals. i always just feel like once i wake up with morning stmoach, or even semi morning stomach, if eel like i'm in a 'safe zone' of some sort, which i have to stop thinking - it doesn't mean i'm safe, it means i'm on my way to my goal. and it's a red flag because anything i do could just be backtracking. and that's what i've been doing. i am ashamed of the past three days and today i have it planned out meticulously, it is not changing. the only thing that might change would be adding a crystal light in there, making it a total of 305 cals for the day. i forgot to bring one to school, i do that so often i hate it, so maybe one tonight. i realised it's already thursday, the week went by too fast - if i want to stay at a maximum of 101 lbs this weekend for the weigh in, it's restriction restriction restriction til then. friday i have no idea what i'm eating, at my boyfriend's, but we're having people over to watch the game, just two, so no fiormal dinner i don't think with his family. even then i know how to get around it now. i need to stay in his basement, maybe even fall asleep. i love that because when i fall asleep at his place obviously i don't eat, and no one really wants to wake me for anything.. and i get to catch up on lost sleep, an added bonus ahah so it works perfectly. one day at a time though. i feel one of my mistakes is thinking ahead too much. i have to stop thinking about what the scale will say in three, four days, and stop thinking what i'm going to eat the next day, because this day's not over yet and i need to focus on that or i'll end up eating more than intended. one day at a time.

brain stew

i feel gross. ahah kind of like the title. i feel like my brain is being mushed around in my head, forming a stew of brain juice and globs of my brain floating around in it.. disgusting description, sorry! but it's exactly how if eel. my doctor's appointment was alright. asked me loads of questions about pains, joints, medications, hospitalizations, mental health, period issues, etc, then all of a sudden - "do you have any history of anorexia?" my mind froze for a second. i didn't actually pause enoguh for anything to come of it, but it felt like so long in my head. i just said ah, no, like i did to mostly everything else - no medications, no hospitalizations, no period issues - and he stopped there for some reason and explained why. because i ahve a history of near anemia, really low iron, he explained that anorexics, or people with just really limited diets, have a zinc defficiency.. i was quite confused as to why he was explaining this to me, but mentioned 'worn out hair, dull and pale skin, colourless' and later one commented on how he noticed my skin was pale as could be and completely colourless - and i had makeup on, including blush. i brushed past it and acted like ii didn't react or think twice of anything he said. it was just weird.
anyway, monday was shit for me, ate like shit, ughh, then yesterday was alright. just alright. i did stop eating at about five though at least. now today, i ahve no appetite. none. i had my coffee, had my apple, but i didn't even want it. it tasted good, really good actually, better than usual, but i didn't want it. i had like half of it and threw it out. threw out my lunch before even leaving for school. i don't even want water though, which is weird. the doctor also said i was salt deffiecient, hah! i hate salt. he says i have an aversion to it, which i do. i could've answered some questions differently or said some things differently to make him not talk about eating disorders or anything, but i didn't think much of it when i mentioned my low iron history or how i hate salt. too late though. anyway back on track: i don't know what's up with me. he said also once people with limited diets lose too much zinc, they stop enjoying food as much, food loses its taste for them. that was my first thought, but for one thing i've never had a history of low zinc, though he wants blood work done on me for everything soon (good excuse to fast for at least half a day), and also the apple tasted delicious. i just didn't want it.
i'll weigh in on saturday if i can, and if not then for sure sunday. if i go over 101 lbs i'll be pissed. under, rejoiced. the same, indifferent. i just feel very indifferent right now. i just didn't want the apple..

all warm

i feel all warm inside! really i do, from all of you and my recent realisations of possible success!
now first, it may sound like i'm putting things off, but i'm really not! it's really just true when i say this: when my mum comes home, it will be so much easier lose weight, and i can start all kinds of meal plans and such. i am not putting it off til she comes back (end of july! soon, ish!) it is just very true. she is a lot more lenient with everything than my dad, she loves eating healthy and fully agrees with and supports my idea to go semi vegan (mentioned it in passing to my dad once and he didn't really respond to it), she loves meat alternatives, dairy alternatives, reads ingredient lists, knows what to look for (mostly), she's out a lot so it's way easier for me to eat what i want, or nothing, and she'd never know, and there's alot of room for me to make my own food anyway even if we're at home together for dinner, and i can have dinner earlier because she gets off work a lot earlier than my dad (him, five ish, her, three ish, she's a teacher) and she'd never just get me haagen dazs or chips and dip or takeout pizza out of the blue. mind you my dad's mostly stopped that too now, but all year, we went through phases of each. so honestly it'll be easier with her back. currently for my spare, i'm searching for low calorie meal ideas, for dinners obviously, the rest of my day is already perfectly planned, and then i have fitness, happy.
this also makes me feel all warm: sunday, i did well once again! i told myself every other day i could eat a little more, so low calorie intake to higher calorie intake (still not high), and sunday i could eat a little more so i barely had a little more. i ddi well, along with 3 litres of water i had two pickles, 8 cals, one crystal light, 10 cals, coke zero, 0 cals, pasta, ? cals, alfredo sauce, ? cals, two 'peanut butter fudge no-bakes', 120 cals. now i had the minimum of sauce, and the pasta i really don't know. the treats, well it was supposed to be my higher calorie intake day! but to be safe, i'm guessing approximately 640 cals total. not bad! especially for a 'high' intake day, and along with saturday. already said all that i ate saturday in my last post, and well i did the math and it was a total of 390 cals, overestimating! so happy! i will continue to do this, already 101 lbs sunday morning, can't wait to weigh in this weekend! my goals actually look possible by my math exam now. so proud of myself, and so lucky for all the support and encouragement i've received here. i can't thank you all enough, i never thought this goal would be a possibility! love this warm feeling.

new math

new math exam the 23rd, new me the 23rd.
my weekend's been great! so friday, subway for dinner thank god, mustard and swiss cheese as the condiments then tomatoes, lettuce, and cucumbers, along with pepper (no salt!) and hot sauce, which i never knew they had, but it revs the metabolism so i figured what the hell. and it was good. i did slip up a bit, my friend had a lot of ice cream at her place friday, where i went after school til my dad got me for the memorial/wake, so i did slip up and have some junk there.. but to look at it positively, it's like tricking my body with the high calories one day then low the next. i forget about thursday already, ahah kind of a bad thing, but friday i slipped up, but also ate no lunch at least, then saturday i went to a barbecue with my boyfriend and some friends at his mum's friend's house, because they spent the entire day moving (while i was at home cleaning my own place), and i was still invited of course. so i was worried. i know i'm a vegetarian so it was good, but they had corn on the cob (love it!), and pasta salad (hate it anyway), and buns which they offered to me to put like butter on it or something.. i proudly declined it all, and spaced out on my paper plate some tomato slices, cucumber slices, and raw cauliflower. i did get seconds when the guys went for second hamburgers, but i just got some more of the same, no dip (i hate dip anyway, weird, but awesome) and that was my dinner. i was so proud. earlier in the day i had some booster juice, but i chose off the 'lifechoice' menu, i'm assuming the healthier ones, and i checked the calories in it. i had a large even, but i got cranberry crave, and it was only 310 cals! perfect for my 'limit' of 500 cals.. that's in quotations because i don't really have a set limit, just as little as possible, but i like having 500 cals as a kind of guideline, like if i get to that in one day then it's a red flag for me to watch out. so that is all i ate that day. i forgot my water bottle at my friend's friday, so i only managed 1.5 litres saturday, so no crystal light even and no coke zero unfortunately. but i'll do better today, with my plastic water bottle - can't wait to have my regular one back tomorrow! oh and i did have the tiniest bite possible of a piece of cake, just to see if it was worth anything, a sliver - and no it was not. it looked amazing, but it was banana chocolate chip.. like softer, airier, over sweetened banana bread with tiny chocolate chips in it. not exactly what i like in a cake; i barely even like cake. so i had the tiniest bite to taste it, and i was done. i had a few raspberries too, but maybe six or seven.  i was so proud.
today, sunday. i was so close to bingeing. americaneagle saved me, with her post today. it really encouraged me, because even if i slipped up for 60 cals, i don't have to turn that into 300 cals. i can leave it at what damage has been done, and just burn that off on the elliptical and get on with the day. i had one bite of a tiny 'peanut butter fudge no-bake' whatever that is, but it was good. i love peanut butter and chocolate! oh well, not worth regretting later. so they're 59 cals each approximately, so i had about 30 cals maybe, then a little bite of something else i'll call another 30 cals. i'll just hop on the elliptical when i'm done this and be done with it. other than that i've eaten two of the smallest pickles ever, maximum 8 cals really. just waiting for dinner, half a head of cauliflower! ahah seriously that's it, it's incredibly filling and my dad and i eat it regularly for dinner. of course he makes cheese sauce, but i'll go extra easy on the cheese tonight. there's maximum 210 cals in a large head of cauliflower, approximately six or seven inch diameter. so i'll be eating about 105 cals of that, if i can finish it (really, it's that filling with all the fibre!) and some cheese, so i'll make it 250 cals to be safe, for dinner. that equals up to about 320 cals. before i go burn my 60 cals from junk. sorry for not disclosing this previously, but i had ballooned up to a whole 103.5 lbs. yeah, fuck. i don't know how. so i've lost 2.5 lbs from that already, which i was already assuming had to be water weight of some sort, and muscle i've gained - because i've lowered my bmi to 12.1! from 16.4 at the beginning of my fitness class, to 12.1 now. so some weight gained has to be muscle, because i didn't feel particularly fat. but this morning i weighed in at 101 lbs. that was the fast weight loss.. the last few will be harder, to get to 96 lbs. but i know i can do it, with my new plan, everything is working perfectly! can't wait til the next time i have the opportunity to weigh myself, i'll for sure post it! and hoping to take some pictures soon too. i wish everyone the same confidence i've gained, everyone deserves it.