if i was you

i have finally returned..
i've been feeling pretty damn awful. school started last tuesday, not even a week yet. a week tomorrow. i've been incredibly stressed, which caused my period to be late, which caused me to be even more stressed, incredibly so. way more than i usually get. and i don't even get stressed often.. well it came yesterday finally, five dyas late, which i know isn't a huge deal, but mine's usually spot on, or maximum like one or two days early/late. i had pretty bad cramps yesterday too, which i also never usually get, just on rare occasions, and i had to work through them, my second shift at my first ever job. i'm a hostess, started last thursday, and worked last night, sunday, as well. i'm actually enjoying it, and i find i'm quite good at it too. i don't make tips yet 'cause i'm in training, but when i do i'll be making more money than all my friends even though a hostess' minimum wage is lower. really i should be out of training, my trainer did nothing last night. i did all my stuff by myself basically. either way, i'm constantly moving, even when it's really slow, i'm stocking thigns, cleaning things, setting tables, fixing the settings, making drinks for the servers, washing the hot towels, setting them up, putting glasses away, etc. always moving, always busy. for over three and a half hours, last night night was just about four and a quarter, and thursday was three and a half. i like that aspect, and the staff meals i get every work shift are healthy - it's an asian style restaurant, not chinese or japanese, but like mongolian, and it's all stirfry, and the staff meals are made by someone different each time, and i can just avoid the noodles and eat all the meat and vegetables. and as much diet coke as i want. yum.
so, i've been rambling to postpone the inevitable.. my weight. fuck. something went wrong.
i now weigh.. sarcastic drum roll.. 102 lbs. yep. fuck.
good news, it caused me to rethink things. i won't explain all this now, but this one girl.. that i explained ages ago about.. who 'got with' my boyfriend two years ago when i was in malaysia, yes we had broken up but we were at a point of a relationship again without it being official or anything, that's what he told me anyway.. well in either case she was always skinny, but she had a weird body shape. not exactly atttractive, not to my boyfriend anyway, i know what he likes. he likes how my waist goes in and goes back out to my hips, especially when i lie down on one side. she has no curve there. from her hips to her underarms, it's basically straight. like a box. but her arms are so thin, and her legs are too. her skin is amazing, i'll give her that.. and her hair seems to cooperate with her always.. and her face is just getting better. not that she's super pretty or anything but over the summer at least something happened, i've noticed, being back at school, that she did get a little better.. and i'm terrified. what if he rethinks things? too many questions. i can't wait to start self medicating again. and to get my psychiatrist! not that i'll get prescription meds, mum won't allow it i bet, but i can still self medicate. been doing it for years. but this girl is driving me insane. i've started running again.. i'm pretty out of shape cardio wise apparently, i used to be so good! i'l work it up again no problem. perfect weatehr for running for me, cool, a chilly wind. i can't stand heat. makes me overheat like crazy. mind you i still overheat. just not as easily, so i can go further before i feel like collapsing. i still wheeze though.. weird. oh well i'll deal.
so i've started running again, and my boyfriend is extremely supportive, he's a fanatic of running and biking, and he's taking up swimming now - he wants to do triathlons, and everntually an ironman. so he'll always get me running if i don't feel like it. other than running, i have a food system. planned diets have never worked for me. counting calories has. i just sued to go to about 1100 cals or so thinking it was safe, and i got where i was going, 97 lbs, but very slowly. took four months for 8 lbs. not horrible but i'd like faster progress. i'll just make sure i definitely don't go past 1000 cals this time. and when i work, i can have a few bites, pack it up, and throw it out somewhere else, or bring it to school for lunch and throw it out. or on fat days, just pack it up without eating any. then other days, breakfast is still one small apple, black coffee. but now i add fibre (benefibre) to my coffee, about 60% my daily value, which only comes to 30 cals. not too bad. then i have all celery and another vegetable for lunch every day, more fibre. and vegetables at dinner too. no way i'm losing fibre again. and then dinners are whatever but i can control portions.. and it's always healthy with my mum. still drinking 2L of water too, one crystal light, that has 12% daily fibre as well (raspberry peach and mixed berry).
she won't leave my mind. as pathetic as it sounds, i don't think i can get over it. or the fact that he lied to me for ten months after it happened, and he only told me 'cause my best friend made him, or she would have told me. i lvoe her.. i need to go hug her. i miss her. but i am on this path, and there's no turning back. just like in toll lines, there are spikes that pop up when you go past, making reversing impossible, you can never reverse out of this. once you're on the path, you will always know it. i'll beat her yet. goal: 100 lbs this friday. more determined than ever.