all i ever wanted

short post, really short post, boyfriend's beside me in exercise science in the lab at school and my screen is near black trying to conceal what i'm doing online. point of this is.. well i got all i ever wanted.
kind of.
i got 95.2 lbs, and now i'm 94.4 lbs. it's all i've ever wanted, to be below 95 lbs.. but god it's not enough. that other girl who's like me, she's 90 lbs right now. i can't believe it. but she looks so thin, way thinner than only 4 lbs lighter. so i don't get it.. don't get why i'm so huge. i'm on my way though, to 92 lbs. my next goal. talk soon lovelies!

when do i stab myself in the ears

great week. other than the irritable boyfriend, nagging mother, and crying in therapy, great week. doesn't sound like it eh? well it can only be great for one reason then.. weight loss! ahah yay. love this app on my ipod.. turned it into a little miracle machine. Lose It! it's called. in love with it. i think i mentioned/explained it before.. anyway. i am at 96.6 lbs as of yesterday morning/same this morning. in the past three days, so monday to wednesday, i have consumed a total of 1409 cals. the highest was 592 cals, the lowest being yesterday at 357 cals. today i haven't quite planned dinner.. i work. so far the total is 115 cals, including breakfast and lunch etc. dentist today too so hopefully my mouth feels so clean i don't want to eat anything. stomach has been getting bad aches lately.. i know they're empty pains. i like them, but sometimes they hurt too much..
and all those totals didn't even take in exercise, with the exercise i've done (all the walking, and squash, and futsal) it's way less. not to mention BMR. i am excited to break 96 lbs! finally get to my first goal, 95 lbs.. i can't wait.. i still have cheat days yes. but only oncee a week now instead of two days from the weekend. just one day a weekend.
i have to get writing for my writer's craft class.. a bulimic alcoholic fifteen/sixteen year old. short story, so not entirely sure how i'll end it yet.. but i'll figure something out.

longer than expected

sigh. another short post, got work to do, and took up half my time commenting and catching up on other blogs.. worth it.
so i know it's been awhile.. i can't post at home, safety reasons/privacy reasons, and during my spare at school, being in my senior year, i actually have things to do now most of the time. that's why this is short, i have things to type.. unfortunately. anyway. on i go..
i quit laxies. last saturday. i went four whole days of eating under 1000 cals, and therefore i didn't need to take them. then last night, wednesday.. the fourth day.. i broke. my dad was over for dinner, just him and i, and it took so long to make that in the process i ate peanut butter, honey, and cheese. all very caloric things. i wish i didn't,. but i did. and i took a laxie. just one. and obviously with resistance i built i don't feel a single fucking thing, goddamn i am mad. i feel huge. to help it along i bloated myself with water when i took it, and again just before i fell asleep, so i didn't bother weighing myself this morning as it would still be water weight, i didn't have to pee just yet.. but i'm 98.4 lbs in all, so i'm getting back on track i guess, but last night i ate approximately 1100 cals. fuck it all. today that means i only get a maximum of 500 cals. which is easy, i work tonight, and like everythinggg has gluten.. yep i got a gluten allergy, perfect.
my mum wanted me tested for gluten allergies because she went off of it and felt so much better. it is partly genetic so she actually got me tested, stool sample sent from ottawa ontario to dallas texas. got the results last wednesday night. they were looking for some glutimase somethign or other, and under ten units is normal.. i had forty five units. over four times the limit. so i'm pretty sensitive.. maybe it's been causing my constant nausea and breakouts. and late periods. god they scare me everytime it's late, like right now, been two days, going on three if it doesn't come today. anyway. not eating gluten will help me lose weight - not wheat. no pasta. bread. cookies. cake. any baked goods. unless from a special food store. anyway at work like everything has gluten so no more snacking. i have more willpower if i'm literally not allowed something.
so i ahve this app on my ipod touch, called 'Lose It!' and it's amazing. it has a food database with restaurants and regular foods and supermarket brands and everything, and you can enter in your own thigns. it has all the fat, calsories, sodium, carbohydrates, fibre, etc marked. you can set your stats, goal weight etc, and it'll make a budget for you, and you enter in what you eat, and what exercises you do. started last tuesday. i was waaay over last week but since sunday it's been under 1000 cals, except for last night, i was 1100 cals.. but i'll compensate for that today. i have to be at least 98 lbs even or, wishful thinking, under it, because i'm back on slow carb during the week and only one cheat day now, saturdays. i'm sleeping over at my friend's. aka junk food night. so i have to prepare.. and maybe take laxies after it, most likely. i'll try not to, but we'll see how strong i am. drinking going on to, so maybe even vomiting if i'm lucky instead.
so i think that's all i can fit in at the moment, unfortunately, longer than expected.. lvoe you all and sorry for the long breaks i've been taken! i'll try to be more frequent! and i promise to upload pictures as soon as i hit 97 lbs again!

lax

short post..
i fel like shit. mont tremblant went well, only one of my best friends could make it, however it was still a lot of fun. a lot of good talks, good brainstorms for short stories. i missed her. and we're both still so.. i don't know. odd. in the good ways, but also in the bad ways. not too much has changed it turns out. good thing, and a bad thing.
also, the junk food, oh my lord. i managed to actually throw out leftovers when we got home, somehow i found that strength to not save it for the next day, when i would undoubtedly binge and purge. i threw it all out. of course i am disappointed, being the next day, because i want it. i crave it. but i know i'd be swallowing laxies right after.
i'm trying to stop laxies.. trying to. it's harder than i thought. i said it before the weekend. then every day i had some. i said it when we got home. had some. said it yesterday. had some. said it today.. so far i haven't. i work all evening at least, distracting, occupying. but there is free food all around me too. i ahve to be strong.. i've had 570 cals today and i weigh a whopping 100 lbs after this weekend.. fuck. i hate it. i dont' get it. i need to be at least 98 lbs for friday.. which means drastically reducing intake, even if it is all of a sudden, not gradual. i don't care anymore. i want the weight off.
a girl in my writer's craft class reached my goal awhile back. 95 lbs. my first goal, i should say, not my ultimate one. but she reached it at least a month ago, and i've been gaining and losing like a fatass. sure i broke the plateau, but then just ballooned up to triple digits again! never again. seeing her today, she finally wore something so you could see some skin. slightly cropped top. it was enough to make me fast for two days straight (speaking of, i'm thinking of fasting tomorrow.. work again, a perfect excuse), it at least made me realise i wasn't going to eat anythign else today. just diet coke and lime, and maybe black coffee. more water too, keep falling off track with that, and i'll need it once i go through withdrawal of laxies.. all the bloating and temporary weight gain. not looking forward to it. fuck laxies. i hate them. i love them. i need them. i can't take them. they'll kill me. they make me live.
i'll get over them.. it will just be a difficult process alone.. other than you ladies, and all this, my second world, secret identity. at least i have all that. and i love you for it.

kiss n tell

so that stupid incident is still haunting me, obviously, i didn't expect it to go anywhere anytime soon, just it won't leave my head.. usually i can get some peace, in decent chunks of time. but lately, namely the past week, it won't leave at all. maybe for a few hours if i'm lucky. people shouldn't, in general, kiss and tell. but in this case, there should not have been any kissing at all. fuck.
so anyway. this past weekend, birthday weekend. not that exciting. at least it was a weekend so i could cheat. friday, milestone's with the boyfriend, his treat of course. shared a tiny plate of bocconcini garluic bread with olive tapenade (delicious but really small portion, good) then grilled chicken pesto fettucine for main course, obviously bad for you, then shared the breakup tub for dessert, their version of a mini tub of cookie dough ice cream, with their own cookie dough made daily. and caramel sauce, yum.
anyway other than that, cheated a lott with just junk in general. oh well. i know the weight i gained is only temporary from the weekend and will disappear before the next one! as usual. every week the end weight is lower and lower though, and with the weekend weight i gain each time, the end weight is still lower and lower. like, usually after a cheat weekend, i'd go from 98 lbs to maybe 100.5 lbs. now, i go from about 96.8 lbs to 98.4 lbs. that's weight my weight this morning. but laxies still took effect after that, so maybe it's 98.2 lbs now. i decided to promise myself to stop laxies during the week, also stopping cheats during the week. now i'm back on slow carb with my mum (super low calorie! and she doesn't even realise it, so i can get away with it perfectly) and then two days per weekend to cheat. and only then, if i really binge bad, can i use laxies. i'm making my supply last til christmas at least. sigh.
as for birthday, i don't feel any older. whatever, i'll probably still say i'm sixteen the next few weeks if people ask how old i am, i'll get used to seventeen soon. mont tremblant weekend this weekend! saturday to monday, yay. hopefullyy my other best friend can come.. one can for sure at least, but it's a bigass room for two people, as my mum will be staying in a separate studio room. maybe i'll upload pictures from the weekend if i can get my sister's camera. then maybe i can take a picture of me finally for you guys to see! hopefully. well study time again.. hating high school!
can't wait to get some amaretto and captain m.

hey

woow major freakout by the computer.. and it only shows what i type after a whole sentence. it's lagging that bad. so i'll try to keep this short, though the lag is shortening at least now.
so, only kind of riding on the high of breaking 97 lbs still.. starting to feel the effects of the cheat days, an excessive celebration.. and for once my laxies are failing me, i mean they keep me at my weight now but they're not getting rid of anything, i can feel all the junk in my gut.. rottin away, being absorbed.. shudder.
and hallowe'en used to be my favourite holiday.
so no worries though i have a plan to get back on track for friday, my seventeenth birthday! i want to be 96 lbs, even, but sure i'll take 96.5 lbs again of course. who wouldn't take it? anyone who's been under that weight, actually. but it's my lowest, so i'll take it for now. if i'm going to have a relatively normal birthday without worrying anybody or having anyone suspicious or having any arguments, then i have to have that safety net of my lowest weight to get me by all the food that ensues. when did birthdays turn into an excuse to binge? to eat whatever, without consequences? i don't know, but i want to personally harm whoever started that tradition. til i do that, i can survive with my plan. thank god i work wednesday and thursday, two days i can get away with eating just breakfast (three egg whites, 45 cals) and lunch (apple, 60 cals; yogurt, 35 cals; celery, 10 cals; cucumber, 20 cals) and then maybe a snack after school/before work, like some soup broth (whole container for 40 cals) or at work, a bowl of soup (who knows.. so oily sometimes, ugh) depending on the kind, or a small bowl of rice (wish it wasn't white, so i try to avoid it). so today, tuesday, i must get by without doing further damage than some individual chocolates (not the good lindt stuff, so not that high calorie at least), but i'm not sure how much damage i actually did there.. i'm in denial, too scared to check it out. so i'll just do excellent today. dinner's planned, chicken breats thawing in the fridge all day, 140 cals. then some vegetables, which are never many anyway. i'll have one bite of apple and one bite of yogurt, throw the rest of both out, to compensate. i hate compensating for binges by eating less healthy foods.. can't be helped sometimes. oh well i know me, i'll get back on track.
i'll leave on an awkward story: so i ran out of laxies yesterday, on hallowe'en of all damn days, so i had to devise a plan to get some, seeing as i live nowhere near a drugstore. went to my boyfriend's after school, so he could drive me home in time for dinner with family, and futsal. on the way back i got him to drop me at pharmaplus, asking him to wait in the car, lying about feminine things. he kept pressing me to tell him, since i don't really hide anything feminine related from him, i talk about periods and whatnot, he's interested actually and likes that i share and trust and whatever etc. so he was confused as to why i wasn't telling him, so i had to admit the half truth: it had to do with my stomach, and it was embarrassing. he knew my stomach's been messed for a week anyway, but no one knew why.. but me. of course i blamed it on being sick the week before, truth, because my nanny was too it was believable. then after that when my nanny got better, 'cause my period started, also truth. it has messed with my stomach before too, my mum knows that, and knows it's normal for anyone. now, i'm hiding anything's happening but i told my boyfriend i still wasn't feeling well, also truth actually. i didn't go any further and he didn't press because i said it was too embarrassing, also the truth heh.
so i go in, they didn't have the same as the last stuff i had (went to shoppers last time) so i had to decide on another one, got two different ones, one cheaper than the other and it totali have about seventy eight. good. so there's a line, i text him to say the line's long, truth, and that's why i'm slow, kind of truth. so i get up there, the only cash open, and it's a girl in my school. my grade. knows who i am for sure, been going to school together since sixth grade. lovely. didn't really say much, just the weak awkward 'heeyy..' and knowing her group they're boring enough so that that encounter would be the only thing of interest to talk about at lunch today. god i hope they don't assume the truth.. or worse, assume it and spread it as a rumour, one they wouldn't know was true. here's hoping..
well i hope you're all having a lovely day at least!

i did it

i can't believe it.. i did it. i finally did it. i broke 97 lbs. i am now officially 96.5 lbs. i still can't believe it.. that was on friday morning. of course, cheat days etc, so i'm back to 98 lbs with the food in my system, but yay laxies! can't use them as much because for one, i only have one left as of now.. already took two this morning.. and god the cramps are just terrible. but i'm planning to pick some up tonight for sure.
so even though after the cheat days i'm back up a little bit, by this weekend i'll be right back to 96.5 lbs, if not 96 lbs even as hoped! i mean i can do that easily, if i finally reached that first goal.. what's another .5 lbs?
so thank you so much, judith marie, because your support came out of nowhere it seemed and has really helped me out1 i haven't been able to post much, link crew is so time consuming with the haunted house prep and it's today so that's all over at leas tnow.. and now, my birthday's this friday! four mroe days.. so nervous for the sweets.. i'll be seventeen finally. i was born at two past midnight, justt made it to the fourth, so i always stay up watching the clock til then ahah it's tradition now. can't wait. but i need to stock up on laxies if i'm going to get through this relatively unscathed.
so my hallowe'en costume at school right now: tight ish black short sleeved shirt, curved devil horns (not the generic half moon shape, actually curved!), little red feathered wings, and red lame short shorts. couldn't find any matching shoes so i'm wearing navy ones ahah, oh well. feel sort of selfconscious in it, these tiny little shorts.. but i'm feeling pretty alright so far, breaking the plateau friday really gave me a boost i think. and to make it worse though that bitch is behind me in student services studying with her friend (one who was in the train dream) and i can't stand hearing her voice. i'm going to leave soon, i cna't take it any longer.
so, i need those laxies if i'm going to a friend's tonight! hallowe'en ladies! if i must have an early/extra cheat day, i'll have to compensate. no worries, i work twice this week, both easily done as fasts. never done two days in a row before, so i'm excited to try! i'll try to post again quicker than last time!
have a great hallowe'en ladies!

bad dreams

had an absolutely terrible dream two nights ago. that bitch who got way in between my boyfriend and i when i was in malaysia was with two of her friends who i don't really talk to, and they were on a train leaning out the window at me, standign on the platform. all i remember before i woke up was turning around, away from them to walk away, and the bitch said somethign i couldn't hear over the engine starting. i turned back and said 'what did you say to me?' and she just laughed. her friends laughed, but repeated it. she had called me fat, pretty much. knowing my issues with food, she called me fat. (in real life she has no idea, why would she? idon't talk to her at all. but in the dream, somehow i knew she knew) and then i woke up. i had woken up four times that night, two nights ago, as i had taken too many laxies the day before to account for my binge.. kept waking up, running to the bathroom. so those four times, every time i awoke with a memory of a bad dream, those girls ganging up on me, but i only remembered the worst insult: 'fat' it really got on my nerves, even though it didn't happen.. she caleld me a whore before for no reason, and being called fat would actually hurt me. she doesn't know that or she would use it. i'm a little scared now..
anyway other than that, thigns are going alright. still 'sick', aka still have some effects o f the laxies as i took just one last night, so i've been saying i'm sick, stomach issues, to my mum, and it's true, it's come out both ways - she just doesn't have to know i made it happen, both ways. so i've gotten to miss some school, good, but bad because i just ran from bed to bathroom, multiple times, when i was home. oh well. i weighed in at 97 lbs even this morning, thank god, so now i get to go extra hard today to see that new number on the scale! i'm not asking for a whole 1 lbs even, i'll take .5 lbs no problem! just, something..
so that is where i'm at. desperate to lose just that little bit, to change the number on the scale, even in that minor way.. because i have never been lower than 97 lbs, no matter what the hell i do. seriously. i could be 97 lbs, and fast for the next day, not even drink water, and still be 97 lbs the next day! it's insane. so i'm going to keep trying though, just keep trying like this, and eventually the plateau will break.
it will break.

can't stop

in the past eight days, i've fasted three times. yesterday, sunday; this past friday; the friday before. no wonder i'm back to 97 lbs no problem it seems. and of course i have to give mia a hand in this.. those other days, laxies were used. not every day! just my two binge days, one for each past weekend. sigh. i'm getting worse it seems. i feel terrible, 'cause one of my link crew kids is talking to me about her struggles as well and i'm really trying to help, really, but i feel so damn hypocritical! i'm honestly trying to recover, but only once i get to my gw.. i feel ridiculous. ugh.
anyway last night, sunday, was kind of a successful fast.. i know i know, it's either a successful fast or it's not really a fast is it? well, i'll explain. so i went all day, all evening, no food. convinced parents i had eggs for breakfast, and i wasn't feeling well enough for dinner, which was actually pretty true. i hadn't had near enough water this weekend so i had a headache, and not eating gives me nausea (what the hell?) so i didn't really want to eat, but i was still craving junk food of course. that'll never change. so, i was in bed, set to sleep, on the phone with my boyfriend.. when my nausea just overwhelmed me. out of nowhere it seemed i felt like i was going to die retching. i started crying, and half explained to him how awful i felt, that i needed to go to bed, so we said goodnight and i lay there crying for a minute. i decided to get up, turn the heater off, and the fan on. cold air always helps nausea for me. i tried sleeping again but it was so overwhelming, i went over to the garbage can and stuck my fingers down. nothing. i thought maybe that's all i needed, but two seconds later, it was back. so i kept at it, and a little came up. mind you i had only eaten plain cinnamon sticks (0 cals, lots of flavour, last long, gets rid of appetite, and boosts metabolism - what more do you want?) i think a couple of them, or just one, and some diet coke and water. so up came cinnamon stomach acid. it was weird. not much came up, and i thought hey i've barely had any, maybe that was it.
still couldn't sleep. i went up to the bathroom and tried full force, and up came more and more, two big upchucks, cinnamon flavoured and burning. it looked like melted chocolate mixed with egg whites. ugh. so, it still persisted.. i knew what i had to do to get some rest and relief. i had a few bites of an extra lean deli chicken slice, and three or so fingertips of sour cream with maybe seven shreds of cheddar cheese. it was one of those premade nacho dips. like i know in my head that at most it was like 120 cals, at absolute most!, but my ana side wanted to vomit again. i couldn't, my nausea had finally been subdued, and my mum's bedroom light had turned on, down the hall from the echoing bathroom and loud fridge. it was looking bad for me, the way i saw the situation she'd see me in. so i ran back downstairs into my room, and fell asleep with no problems. fuck, nausea, i would have had three extremely successful fasts in eight days. and you make me binge on dairy and chicken. great.
well i already have a plan for today: skipped breakfast, because i got the protein at midnight last night so it really just evened it out. i even made the egg whites, put the dirty dishes in the sink, and fed the whites to the dog. well some of them i threw out, in case my mum came down the hall to the kitchen while she was eating them still.. now, threw out my chicken for lunch, to help even out calories, and i'll only eat half my apple and half my yogurt, to even out calories. celery and cucumbers are fine to eat of course. and for dinner, a marinated blue menu president's choice mediterranean chicken breast, only 140 cals, and a salad on the side, so dinner won't be more than 250 cals no matter what! yay. so total, overestimating, for the day, 325 cals. approximately. thank god. add in the binge, 450 cals about. sigh. it's alright, i just have to reach a goal by friday morning.. my first ever breaking 97 lbs. i need 96 lbs, to prove it is possible, because ii swear it isn't, my biody absolutely refuses! no matter what i do. so this better work. i also play futsal tonight, joined mum and sister's team in the women's league, lucky me, considering i'm not legally an adult. need the exercise.
and now i need to study for a test today, great. i better be able to stay on top of this plan today, sets me up for the whole week ahead! wish me luck lovelies!

sexy and i know it

i feel damn good today, despite the extremely dreary weather outside. it's a medium blue grey, grime caked on the windows and sidewalks, rain sputtering from the heavy clouds, wind rushing like it's late for something. since it's only a half day at school, parent teacher interviews tonight (thank god i don't need any, my exercise science grade is slipping, and i can see my writer's craft grade about to drop if i don't get my ass in gear) so i figured it didn't really matter what i wore to school. so, school sweatpants it is, 'BULLDOGS' on my butt, with my new plain white extra small sweater, and a green and white scarf. no shirt underneath, justsweater and scarf. i love wearing sweaters without shirts, i do it too often, but at least sweaters are extremely forgiving, as they basically just hide all of my torso and upper arms.
so despite what i'm wearing and seeing outside, and in the school i guess; i dislike most of these people, i am feeling sexy. weird i know, my stomach's not even flat! but i had amazing self control yesterday, this is what i ate, with once again calories way overestimated, i mean way, just to be entirely safe:
three egg whites 50 cals
black coffee 2 cals
one and a half extra lean deli chicken slices 140 cals
half a yogurt 20 cals
one bite of celery 5 cals
crydtal light 10 cals
whole tomato 20 cals
cup of broth 10 cals
salmon 260 cals
and that is all! to a total of.. 517 cals! and i know it's overestimating, prettty sure my chicken was less, and definitely the tomato/broth/celery/yogurt/egg whites. any of those are probably overestimated, i made only three and a half egg whites and threw away the skin it formed in the pan and a good sized two bites of it, becaus ei'm being made to eat four egg whites a day now for protein, part of the deal. sigh. but 517 cals! overestimating! love it. so that is why if eel sexy, and it is my fast day remember! every thursday from now on i think, perfect 'cause of work, perfect excuses, and i just don't make a lunch/pretend i did/throw it out/have some celery, 'cause hey, celery won't kill me, probably would help more than hurt. as for egg whites.. got away with lying today as my mum only got out of bed to drive me to school since she has an appointment and got a supply teacher for the morning. hope all you guys feel sexy today! it's a wonderful feeling, as i'm sure some of you know!

i wanna go

tried to post yesterday, but got a lax attack. sigh. so i had to log off my computer here in the student services at school and rush off to the bathroom, to remain for approximately fifteen minutes, as i stayed silent when people came in until they left. didn't want anyone to know what was going on obviously. then there was a uni fair in my caf, so i went with my boyfriend. i'm starting to like algoma, never heard of it till yesterday even. but i really do. still love mcmaster, western, memorial, and acadia. and i guess carleton, sigh, my most likely destination as it's the only one not away from home. unfortunately. i'd like to leave, but no one else wants me to, even for my own 'personal growth' i call it, but really i just want to be completely independent and just away from all this here.
anyway i should reeeally lay off the laxies.. instructions: one per day maximum, no more than once per week. my bad. since i got them on friday, i've had a total of eight i think, three of them last night.. and i already feel like my body's getting used to them. the three last night had the same effect as the one i took last friday it feels, except it was more painful on my abdomen today, my insides hurt a bit, really uncomfortable.. i should lay off them. but i couldn't control my eating the past few days.. the thanksgiving, fine, but monday and tuesday? baking and baking for my link kids, and had some with them even.. it's alright, i know i'm capable of fasting, so one day a week i'll fast. haven't decided when yet, we'll see. maybe tomorrow, i work, perfect excuses to not eat. alright, thursday it is, tomorrow. fast. and today, minimal.. got pestered way too much last night about protein, how i'm low in it and how i don't get enough still even though i've drastically increased intake. i need about 10 g more so we finally settled that i'll have two more egg whites - yes, four total! ugh 60 cals - and that's it. up to between 45 g and 50 g a day, including meat or pultry or fish as the main course at dinner. i feel bad, but i don't eat the deli meat my mum gives me every day. i'd love to but it's way too many calories, i'd have to eat it instead of an apple and only half my yogurt every day, and then by not eating all my yogurt i'm losing protein there, though less than what i throw out in the extra lean chicken breast. i might eat some emat today, and no apple for me. don't like that. maybe i'll have it as a snack later if i manage a small dinner.
so right i did my first fast ever! i really can't remember if i posted this already, says something about me lately heh, and i don't know if i've even posted since last week.. geez says another thing about me. also can't remember if i've used this title before. so saturday, waking up at my friend's place after bingeing a bit and taking a laxie, after that was dealt with, there was no time to eat leftovers like usual because she had fustal, so she took me home, and i rested, went to gatineau hills with my boyfriend, and lied that i was eating dinner at home so i went home for a late dinner after they ate theirs in front of me, amazing looking salmon and rice, and as i arrived home i announced i had eaten amazing salmon and rice with them so there was no need to make dinner for me. i had mentioned somethign about smartfood, oh my god i'm in love with it, and later my dad offered to get me some from the corner. i surprised myself by saying no. it didn't sound convincing 'cause he kept asking, laughing a bit, and i insisted, and the more he asked the louder and more confidently i said no. it felt wonderful. then goddamn thanksgiving ruined me for three days.
so beginning today, the fourth day since, i'm back to me. no more laxies, not for at least a week, and i will wear the cutest new top i got (think it's supposed to be for sleeping but whatever), slightly belly baring, bustier top, clips up the back, but it's not skintight even, makes me feel good. as long as my stomach's completely empyt for a day beforehand, i can wear it. then i need to wear my crop top, so of course stomach needs to look good and empty. i want to wear my new clothes! that's why i got them, they're adorable and give me incentive. also on PGX, taken from my grandparents' house, they have like twenty bottles. it's all safe too, my mum even suggested i should be on it, but she hasn'tput me on it yet, i'll ask again, in the meantime i'm taking matters into my own hands.
just like i could if i could go away for uni, like i really want. i want to go away.

skeptics and true believers

people don't always believe in me. they either don't believe i can make it as a clinical psychologist, that i can't maintain an eighty five average, that i won't reach my goal weight, among many other things. then there are the few, namely all of you, who believe we all can do it, not just me. that we can reach our goals, live life how we want, disregarding others who try to hold us back. i know someone at school like this, we somewhat support each other. we're not friends, we don't talk much, my best friend hates her. i dont' hate her. i don't particularly like her either though, we just have this one thing in common, thinness, and on the very rare ocasion we talk, it's solely for the purpose of comparing food, methods of losing, like for her it's more purging, for me i exercise, i run a lot. we talk about what we eat in a given day, how awful fat days feel, how great morning stomach is, etc. it's useful to have someone around me like that, regardless of the fact we talk maybe once every month and a half, on average. instead, i have all of you! i really appreciate you guys, even though i don't get comments really, and only have fifteen followers, i enjoy reading your blogs and feel we're connected anyway. you guys understand and appreciate the puruit of thinness. i appreciate it. i can't talk to other friends without arguments ensuing, or somewhat serious talks.
now i got that out, i am extremely proud of my past three days!
october eleventh:
written about already in 'time is running out', so maximum 350 cals total.
october twelfth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
soup broth 30
broccoli 130
turkey 150
reggiano parmigiana 90
400
others
coke zero 0
PC diet cola 0
crystal light 10
benefbire 5
15
absolute total: 557 cals
and that's overestimating. i don't eat that much of an apple, i just assume i do. i did not have that much cheese, turkey, and almost deifnitely not broccoli. but to be safe i need to overestimate.
october thirteenth:
breakfast
two egg whites 30
coffee 2
32
lunch
apple 60
yogurt 30
celery 10
cucumber 10
110
dinner
0
others
diet coke 2
lemon 5
crystal light 10
12
absolute total: 154 cals
and now it's the fourteenth. sleepover with one of my best friends.. nervous. we usually binge on these sleepovers.. but also go for three or four hour walks. and we are brisk walkers, we don't stroll along. and right after school we're going to rideau centre, downtown ottawa, to shop. i need new shirts especially, more crop tops too to motivate me to keep my stomach flat! she loves crops, she'll help me out there. and if we stay for a few hours, all that walking.. then pretend to have had dinner there so i don't have to eat at her place, and hopefulllly we don't get junk! i am so close. woke up today extremely nauseous! happen to anybody every from severe restricting? i mean you just read all the calories i've eaten in the past three days, with my BMR and daily activities and working for nearly four and a half hours as a constantly moving hostess last night at under 200 cals.. felt better after i had my egg whites, but because i assumed it was also low blood sugar that made me dizzy as it has before, i had two sips of juice. i feel disgusted,. i had juice. i broke my first rule: no liquid calories unless from fibre supplement or crystal light, one a day. fuck. but i still feel iffy.. dizzy ish, and thankfully empty as can be. feeling odd pains in my chest and stomach area though, hope i shouldn't be worried.. i'm sure it's just adjusting to the new food intake.
also, weighed in at 98 lbs even this morning, half pound loss from saturday morning, and this is after three thanksgivings! hasn't even been a week, and i ate all i wanted on three thanksgivings, and not a week later i lost half a pound! so motivated by this!
i'll need all the support i can get today girls! from the sleepover to just not showing how damn awful i feel right now. send me strength! love you all!

time is running out

'and our time is running out, and our time is running out.. you can't push it underground, you can't stop it screaming out; how did it come to this?'
an excellent question.. i really have no idea how it came to this. why did i weigh 101 lbs this morning? surely thanksgivings, although three of them, couldn't make me gain 3 lbs in three days.. could they? a terrifying thought. 98.5 lbs saturday morning, 101.5 lbs this morning, though i did still have pyjamas on, albeit thin, loose ones. i count that as the extra half. it's ridiculous. another one coming, too..
so, to compensate, i ate maximum 350 cals yesterday:
breakfast
black coffee 2
2
lunch
celery 10
cucumber 10
yogurt 30
crystal light 10
60
dinner
chicken broth 40
tomato paste with lentils 150
190
others
sugar free mint 10
excel lemon gum 5
half slice turkey breast 35
10
absolute total: 302 cals
but, i can't trust that that's all i ate. i believe the lentils and tomato paste had more, and i'm really not sure about the turkey breast slices. i barely ate any, giving the rest to my adorable bear of a dog, so i'm estimating half of a slice.. sounds about right actually. the calories though, i'm not sure of. same with the lentils. so although i calculate 302 cals, i say 350 cals. of course no one knows how little i ate. but it will continue. fuck thanksgiving. can't wait to reach my old low, 97 lbs, and to reach a new one - 96 lbs. it will come, if not this weekend, then the next. one more thanksgiving to get through, but if i maintain my intake under 500 cals a day til this sunday, the damage will be prevented. still no ice cream or whipped cream, no potatoes or butter. but to compensate, since everyone knows whipped potatoes are my favourite, slathered with melting butter and thick gravy, i'll stil have as much gravy as i like. and since it's from scratch, roast turkey drippings, there will be a limited amount, so i can't even have all i really want. and white meat only, but that's a given. snacks are a danger, before dinner, yet i can't have dairy so all cheese options, the highest calorie, are out of the question. i don't drink calories except crystal light, so water and diet pop (if they have any even) it is. always magazines to read for us, i can immerse myself in one, or play video games with my younger cousin if need be.
even if i don't always follow my plans perfectly, i need to have one. it's a safety net. to know i'm prepard, i've thought this through, i'm not going into anything with anxiety; i've prepared. i've thought ahead. i have a plan. it feels safe. but my time is running out to prevent the damage, since i have to repair the damage already done this past weekend. i'm terrified i won't be prepared for this sunday, that i won't be back to 98 lbs at least by sunday morning, to be able to have dinner joyfully, normally, that evening. what if the damage is done, and it takes another week to reverse it? this sunday's thanksgiving will only backtrack my progress further. fuck thanksgiving.

feeling good

feel really odd saying that i feel good, because it's not quite 'good' that i feel. it's not bad, it's not excellent, it's not terrible, it's just odd. a good odd. i know i keep saying this ahah but i really want to upload a picture! if i do as well as i want to this week, i'll get one of my best friends to take it for me on friday, if we end up finalising our plans. i was 98.5 lbs on saturday morning, before my first of four thanksgivings. yes, four fucking thanksgivings. fuck thanksgiving, fuck family time, fuck food. but before all that, i was 98.5 lbs completely unexpectedly! thought i had gained, thought i was for sure at at least 101 lbs if not 102 lbs.. but i am so not complaining. but then there came three fucking thanksgivings in succession. my fourth is this sunday. surprisingly waking up this morning after the three, i didn't feel humongous. i felt relatively empty.. probably because my body began to 'return to normal digesting and metabolising' and whatnot after being restricted.. i can't explain it well out loud, but in my head it makes perfect sense. i'm going to restrict perfectly til this sunday though to see how well i do, to reverse damage done this weekend, and to prevent dame from being done this sunday. also, back off dairy again, ran my first 5k ever this weekend on sunday, and i did very well for my first! time: 26:01 minutes, first 5k ever, and my throat practically closed - doctors have thought i was asthmatic since i was three apparently but i never did anything about it and it never really bothers me, wheezing or whatever. first time it decided to close. took me off dairy as a kid and everything went well with all other symptoms, so hopefully going off dairy will rid of my breathing issues if it's not asthma. next race: about a month, going to beat 25 minutes. so anyway no dairy means no whipped potatoes and no butter, so consequently no bread, and no ice cream or whipped cream and potentially no pie. i'm good with all that.
also, friday, went to that party thing.. had fun, til right before i was going to leave, i was hugging a guy goodbye who was so wasted. in his drunken stupor he kept saying how much he loved me and my boyfriend together, and telling us to never break up, we were awesome, and great friends, etc etc. he wouldn't let go as we were hugging, all the while saying how awesome my boyfriend and i are together, me laughing, and i had a crop top on. everyone agreed i looked hot. tight skinny jeans, short loose crop top, none of it mine even. so as he was hugging me, he pulled the back up unintentionally, for the whole kitchen table playing cards to see - but to see what, my back? wow, so scandalous, eh? so my link crew partner said jokingly 'dana, pull your shirt down you look like a whore!' smile laughing at me. then SHE, that fucking bitch i've talked about, with my boyfriend and everything, who hasn't said one word to me and vice versa for the past eight months since i found out, had the nerve to say 'yeah. you kinda do.' i was infuriated. i was the bigger person, knowing it would piss her off, and didn't even look the bitch in the eye as i laughed to my link partner and exaggerated pulling it down at the back to say 'is that better?' to her, ignoring the bitch entirely, and walked out of the room. but fuck, am i not going to forget this. one of my best friends who i have plans with friday, and her friend who i'm pretty alright friends with also, are incredibly confused, just as much as i am, about why she said anything. they're going to find out for me, best as they can. but if she thinks that just because i acted as the bigger person, i'm going to forget it, she's fucking insane. i was wearing her best friends' clothing as well, not even my own. pretty much insulting them too. she'll get what's coming to her.
ugh. anyway. been reading portia de rossi's bok, unbearable lightness. i am in love with it, halfway through. how she started it out feels exactly how i'm starting out.. it's amazing to read about someone else's journey that hits so close to home on all accounts, except for height/weight ratio. also going to do some renovations on my blog, bored with it.
depsite the bitch, the fucking thanksgivings, and the ever present nausea, i'm feeling a good odd. can't wait to hit 97 lbs once again.

that's not my name

since reading 'the best little girl in the world' by steven levenkron, i find myself thinking of kessa a lot. same height, same starting weight. same issue. though in reality i'm not sure if my fear of gaining weight or being fat is actually of something else.. i know i have my insecurities, and it makes me feel safer, etc etc, but i can't think of any underlying issue that would cause this, other than gaining 20 lbs without noticing, and losing most of it in two months. i know people say you can't really diagnose yourself, you can't figure out your own mind, only doctors do that, psychiatrists, psychologists. but i believe i can. i have selfdiagnosed in the past, and it always turned out proven right, confirmed by the 'professionals' ahah, and same with my crazy mind, i've discovered things about myself i ordinarily wouldn't have, things that others wouldn't be able to discover about themselves. i know a psychologist could get me there, but they can get almost anyone there - i can get myself there. thing is, this is the one thing i can't figure out. i was (slightly) fat. i know i exaggerate how fat i was, but i was 120 lbs, and at my height, it was carrying a lot of weight, especially being 100 lbs on average up til that point without really trying. i didn't even notice it, the worst part.. knew i gained a little, didn't notice how much til others brutally pointed it out. like my grandfather, upon seeing me for the first time since returning from malaysia:
"what, did you get fat or something over there? not healthy you know to gain so much weight"
all in his gruff, judgemental voice. my nanny said something too, but much kinder:
"think you gained a little bit of weight over there? look a little bit bigger.. not big, but bigger"
which still pissed me off, but i didn' take it to heart as much as what my grandfather said.
so, i felt incredibly fat. i honestly thing it's all about weight, appearance. i wrote a memoir for writer's craft that outlined my disordered eating patterns, from my earliest memory of a bad eating experience in the sixth grade which carried on subconsciously throughout the rest of middle school, and i only began to realise the effects in high school, when in ninth, freshman year, i slipped into depression, withdrew from everything, began to think about my appearance in terms of weight for the first time. before then, my appearance was all in the hair, the face, skin, clothing. i never worried about weight too much, i just didn't like eating in front of people ever, especially boys, since that sixth grade occurrence:
"oh, my god, stop eating that right now," said *patricia, looking horrified at me eating my pita. it was pita tuesday, and my pitas always had mayonnaise and cheese. i had just taken a bite; globs of oily mayonnaise and chunks of orange cheese seeped out of the corners. "why? stop what?" i was confused. she said "that's gross. *marc was looking at you when you started eating and he looked so disgusted." my heart sank, *marc was the guy i had crushed on for years, all throughout elementary school. i stopped eating it, white and orange fat oozing onto the floor where i left it. the rest of my lunch went untouched.
i remember the entire event with perfect detail, but it would take a lot of room to write it all, no one wants to read that ahah. it's in my memoir, not allll of it because i guess there's unnecessary detail, but more detail than this. but only in ninth did i start to think about weight instead of just face/hair/skin/clothing.
funny, how it rested in my subconscious for so long.. and emerged ever so casually, gradually.. to have this much of an effect on me. these books do too, i'm picking up 'unbearable lightness' by portia de rossi today, came in the library finally. read six or seven of these book sin the past two weeks. the last one, the best little girl in the world, has a lasting effect on me.. she would chant 'kes-sa, kes-sa' when she resisted food or as forced food, her created name from her regular name, francesca. kessa was created when the disorder was. made me think of me and alice, my created name.. i'm sure you've all figured it out that alice ana isn't my real name ahah but i created this side of me i guess, that book showed me that.. just like she created kessa to deal with it, alice deals with it for me. now i can't help but hear 'al-ice, al-ice' when i'm confronted with food, particularly unhealthy food. as of now, i don't mind, but we'll see how i deal with it if it persists or worsens.. can't wait for my psychologist.. won't talk about food, he will never know for fear of being forced to stop what i'm doing before i really get started, but for my depression, anxiety, jealousy, anger, past self medication and self harm.. hopefully within a month. as of now, i'll let alice take over.

teenagers

americaneagle, i realllly hope you see this, i've been trying to reply to your posts, the last two, but no matter what computer i'm on it says 'The following errors were found: Input error: cookie value is null for FormRestoration' word for word.. if anyone has any help for me regarding this, please let me know! i miss commenting on her blog.
i wish i could have been posting this past week, or however long it's been since i last posted.. i just feel all over the place, fattening up, trying to eat well, then feeling twice as bloated the next day, where i would eat more anyway and then wake up the next day way less bloated! what the fuck! i'm getting so sick of it. and now thanksgiving is this weekend. great. like i don't have enough trouble or nagging about food. twice i'm going to my boyfriend's family get togethers.. saturday with his dad's side including old and young cousins (none around his age/my age/same thing) uncles aunts, monday with his mum and sisters. pumpkin pie and whipped cream both times. already agreed with my boyfriend though upon serving sizes and amount of whipped cream allowed (i'm a whipped cream fiend!) and then how my plate will look: one half vegetables, ie green beans and carrots, one third white meat only, the remaining one sixth will be for mashed potatoes with some gravy for both the meat and potatoes - no butter this year! and no dinner rolls. obviously still no liquid calories, never cheat on that unless it's crystal light, which is maximum 10 cals if not 5 cals.
i'm still worried.. also have my first race this sunday! only a 5km but still, it's astart into the race world, even if they're non competitive races basically. saw a commercial for another one later in october, i'm thinking of it too now, if there's a 5km option.. not ready for 10km yet, not just yet.. need to get my ass in gear to run again before the race though this weekend, been slacking. for a reasno though! been sick. terrible cough, stuffed up, sneezing, pms cramps/indigestion/whatever it was. also need to study for a test i missed yesterday because of benig sick, no idea when i ahve to do it, i have to make a rough draft for basically today if not tomorrow by latest in writer's craft for my memoir, and the memories are all there clearly put, but i don't know what my focus is anymore.. the social isolation aspect, or the appearance aspect, or my overall 'why i am who i am' including both. sigh. i feel so fucked.
also, restarted the paleo diet - kind of the four hour body diet, but i'm allowing myself one piece of fruit a day - one small organic apple. i'll do my absolute best to report back tomorrow how i do today with it, ebcause last time i did this diet only for four days i lost about 3 lbs. if i stick with it this time and don't go crazy on the one cheat day per week, i can do so well. i've set up all my ground rules, pretty much the diet, but on cheat days i'm allowing myself one or two things to cheat with, and i must eat the (however minimal) breakfast, lunch, and dinner first, and no eating past midnight on those days. all weekdays, no eating past seven, and weekends other than cheat day, it's eleven. i feel better repeating the rules to myself, keeping them on my ipod with me. and, taking PGX pills - my grandparents do it, or my grandpa does anyway, and has at least twenty bottles of them. i take the second minimum, six a day. but if i feel provisions run out too quickly and it might become noticeable to him things are disappearing faster, i'll cut to four a day, one in the morning, two at lunch, one at dinner. not entirely sure what they do but i haven't binged when i've taken them in the past. whatever i'll track that progress.
also, 'the best little girl in the world - steven levenkron' is a great book. loved it. read int wo days, easy read, but so well done. found spelling errors/typos and grammatical errors though, bothered me, but well done. and she started at my height, 5'4", and 98 lbs, my second lowest weight. so i felt it was a great reference for me. either way a good book, read so many lately, forget some of the titles.. well, more on hold, just waiting to come in now! and i should get to class, starting soon. sigh. hope i don't get fucked up again.
and i'll explain the party tomorrow. ugh.
yay for the lives of teenagers. i may not be a common teenager, the average teenager, but teenagers' lives in general are fucked. personally i just deal with a lot more shit than all the ones i know though. i feel like i'm on tv for one of those shows, with all the issues going on that i haven't even written about here, regardless of the ones i have! i'm a regular live walking teen soap.

get crazy

so i'm doing alright. i feel a little weird. heavy, though i know i can't possibly be over 100 lbs, what i was saturday morning. i know i can't be, it's impossible, not with the calories i've counted, overestimating even. but i feel heavy. and gross. i hate that word, 'gross', but there really is no better word for this description. just.. gross.
i keep getting these weird, sharp pains.. they come at the most random times. i don't want to go into details as to where or anything, a little embarrassing, though i don't even understand it.. but it's been going on for over a year, and they come at really random times. i don't have to be doing anything specific, just i'm sitting and it'll happen. lying down. running. walking. cooking. eating. showering. working. i don't understand it, but when it happens, it literally forces me to freeze until it passes. usually it happens in bunches though. when the first one comes and goes, i can expect another after it. i just got one, and i'm waiting for the next, but it should have been here by now. getting more unpredictable. sigh. maybe i'll have to do something about that soon..
i want to lock myself in a bathroom stall, high school movie cliche style, and stay there for the rest of the day, keep myself barricaded until i can leave and go to work. i work again tonight, covering someone's shift for them.. so three days in a row, yesterday, tonight, and tomorrow too. evens out; only one shift next week. i was good at work, no desserts, just about five gummy bears (20 cals estimation, 30 cals overestimation), and about six maraschino cherries. i don't want to know how much those are. i put them in my diet coke, with a wedge of lime. but of course i googled it. 10 cals each. so, 60 cals.. or maybe i had seven.. damn. i'll say 70 cals to be safe. sigh. in all, about 100 cals at work. not bad, only a bit of sour cream, salsa, and shredded cheese, with some stale tortilla chips beforehand. and celery, cucumber, egg whites. doesn't sounds like much at all eh? well, why do i feel so bloated and fat like i ate all night?! where's the morning stomach, the hunger pangs, the satisfied feeling!? driving me insane, this feeling of zero progress.
well i work tonight, so no gummy bears, no cherries. just lime in my diet coke. and no snacking beforehand! once my lunch is done, i cannot eat until my shift, maybe a bowl of soup. two, if it's a consomme, and not cream based. no rice. no staff meal. that goes to my boyfriend tomorrow. i can do that. maybe i'll feel better in the morning then.
speaking of, we're doing badly together. rough patch. cliche i know, but it's true. another reason i want to sit in the comfort of the stall, alone, eavesdropping from time to time, the stall i have once thrown up in. i want to feel safe again, secure.
or, i just want to get crazy, do what i want, and not have a care in the world about it. if only i could in my situation. but, my situation calls for studying. i'll make a note to self to get crazy this weekend.

goals

i feel absolutely awful. i feel incredibly nauseous and all i've had was coffee.. you might think that's why, but nope. i had not one ounce of healthy food yesterday. i feel terrible. i didn't exceed 2500 cals at least, which is probably what i burned with my BMR and the continous walking i did (not an excuse i know, at least i revved my metabolism for the next week) but it was all junk. fuck me, i know it was stupid. and saturday i didn't eat the best - i ate fine, then had a little junk too. and tonight there's dairy queen ice cream cake, best cake in the world. i checked, 1/8 of an 8" round cake (probably what we're bringing to my cousins) is 370 cals. i'll make sure it's cut into more than eight pieces, and still say it's about 350 cals for a slice. i won't eat dinner, i'll say i'm having it at my boyfriend's after i leave my cousins', but i'll tell him i ate at my cousins'. always works. and him and i are going for another long run too. and other than that i'm eating my yogurt and my celery and cucumbers, and yeah most likely a little (healthy!) something at my boyfriend's after the run, like a couple eggs, protein of some sort.
so, i know my weight now. 100 lbs. goddamn. but, i made a plan for myself that i think is easily followed. basically, lose 1 lbs a week. simple. fast, but not so fast that i give in or get too weak. and, if i manage this, which i totally can, i can reach amazing goals. here are the rules.

- lose 1 lbs per week.
   - maximum 800 cals per day.
   - run minimum 5 times per week, for minimum 10 minutes each time.
- if succeeded
   - 95-96 lbs by hallowe'en.
   - 94-95 lbs by birthday.
   - 87-90 lbs by christmas.
- if failed
   - fast (maximum 300 cals) for minimum one day the following week.
   - reach maximum 97 lbs by birthday.

now i know the first part will be easy, to get to 97 lbs.. but, to get the coveted 96 lbs? a different thing. i've never reached it. i can't wait. only 1 lbs a week.. of course, once i get to 95 lbs, it will be very hard to lose more, so i don't expect below 90 lbs at all for christmas.. and i see all my family then and i don't want to alarm anyone, because some of them may have a keener eye than my close family. i'm alright with not being under 90 lbs though, for now, i mean we'll see once i get to 95 lbs ahah and lower, but i feel alright with it as of now. besides that's way in the future, i don't have to worry about it. right now i have to worry about getting into the wonderful double digits again.

my body

i know i keep saying this, but i'm serious this time, well i'm always serious about it but i am more determined now, to upload pictures! i really really want to now. i always meant to before but i was never really comfortable with it exactly i guess.. now, i want them up here. motivation.
speaking of.. i'm sorry i haven't posted lately, but i've been doing so well! i can't remember exactly everything i ate from tuesday to thursday but i'm pretty sure i have the calories in my head. and they are all estimations only, and i overestimate too. so,
tuesday: approximately 650 cals. wednesday: approximately 830 cals. thursday: approximately 850 cals. i know it's been going up it seems, but i also have beenr unning every night, and i worked three hours on tuesday, and three and a half on thursday (last night), which is all clearing tables, wiping tables, settting tables, walking back and forth from hostess stand to tables to bar to kitchen to hostess stand, and it keeps going. always carrying things too, stocking napkins and such, or straws, or when i clear tables, the trays, piled with dishes, glasses, and garbage. thursday was much busier than tuesday, so it works out i ate less tuesday and a little more thursday, because not just from the walking, i burned 350 cals on the treadmill thursday, last night. and then 200 cals on wednesday night, and only like 130 cals or something tuesday.. but it works out, the more you eat, the more you have to exercise.
so why don't i know how much i weigh? i'm terrified of the scale right now. absolutely terrified. i know i've been doing really well but i don't even wake up with morning stomach anymore! what is up with that, i have no idea. i've eaten little bits and pieces past seven, like a piece of banana bread last night (technically dinner i guess) and i had diet coke. i still have my minimum 1.5 L of water too.. been drinking tea and black coffee too.. i don't get it. so, in the absence of my morning stomach, i'm terrified to step on that scale. i feel it determines my success for some reason. i know i can lose weight still without it, but it doesn't feel as good i guess.. i mean if i ate 100 cals a day, and only ate at midnight, i know i'd lose weight. but i wouldn't exactly have morning stomach, wake up with that addictive empty feeling, nearly concave look. my stomach is like my main issue, then my damn upper arms. i won't get into everything i don't like on myself ahah i'll be here all day describing in agonizing detail. so anyway, i guess i'll have to weigh myself tomorrow. whether i like it or not. this sucks. well, love you guys, need to talk to a teacher now abotu school, get my mind off this hopefully at least.

feel like shit

i only have time for a short post, but fuck i screwed up. i feel alright, but terrible at the same time, some shape tea (the detox/weight loss one i've been talking about, that's its name) last night, three mugs.. nothing last night.. then this morning, when i could sleep in, my stomach woke me up in an uproar way earlier than i wanted. but i feel a lot better now, wearing an XS american eagle off white, thin, long sleeve, kind of crew neck shirt. always thought it was too tight for me, but other than my arms, it hangs loosely. draped over my ribs, hanging over my stomach. i like it. a carf too, so you can't see my bra, and to make me look not so plain. my arms though, are cased like sausage. that's how it feels. ugh.
so, to bypass over yesterday please, wintergirls: amazing book. triggering for me somehow. but i love it, and have many more to read now. i almost feel like i'm lia, and my friend is cassie - she's self destructive it seems to me a lot of the time, sadly, and i can't do anything about it, but we half support each other in our goals. we've shared them, talked about food, mia, ana, etc. she's more mia, i'm more ana, just like cassie and lia.. and cassie is way more self destructive than me, so it fits that she'd be cassie. and i know i want to live. just to get thin. anyway i don't have much time..
running! i've started. my boyfriend tells me to have rest days, which would be my work days, three times a week. but i don't want to rest. even on 'rest' days i feel i should do minimum ten minutes, hard, or like two kilometres. those are both at least 100 cals for me i know. so, time's almost up.. i miss you guys like crazy and i feel terrible but stronger at the same time, quitting the tea - only one teabag left really, but i should stop before i turn the other mia, the lesser talked about one. i don't want that to happen to me.. so i'm getting some more, but only for in emergencies! like birthdays or thanksgivings or christmases, etc. or for when i'm drunk and crave fat, but only when i'm not so drunk that i dont' vomit.. i sometimes do when i'm hungover or really drunk but that hasn't happened in ages, don't like being that wasted always.. soemtimes, i guess.. depends on the situation.. sigh, sorry for the semi depressing post! i'll be back tomorrow with a much better attitude!

cannibal

i'm ravenous. for everything. flesh, carbs, blood, salt, bone, fat, love. but you can't have them all. you have to pick and choose, give up one to get another, trade them off, go back and forth between some. you have to get your priorities straight, or you won't ever have exactly what you want. going back and forth being two means you will never have one of them entirely. trading them off from time to time will make you start over each time. giving up one to get another takes strength that not everyone has. picking and choosing is the hardest part, and you have to do it first to make sure the rest doesn't happen. i know what i've chosen.
flesh, bone, and love. it's never an easy decision. i choose love over blood, because i love my boyfriend more than i want to see blood, and he's really against it i learned four years ago in freshman year - it was the hardest decision beacuse i basically put blood in the same category as the good choices, but it's an uneven number, i needed to make a sacrifice. i choose bone over fat, because it's the easiest decision, i much rather see bone than fat, and eat nothing than fat. i choose flesh over carbs and salt, because without salt, flesh is flat and not bloated, and without carbs, flesh showcases the bones instead of hiding them.
dad came over last night, sirloins, all fat stripped off, plain lettuce salad, and three tiny pieces of garlic bread, because he knows it is my favourite - to be correct, he knew it was my favourite. but i've always felt bad with him and food, unfortunately/fortunately, so i had three tiny pieces, no more than 250 cals. sirloin? five or six ounce, approximately 55 cals per ounce, so maximum 330 cals. lettuce, maybe 30 cals. not too bad right, 610 cals? then including the rest of the food i ate that day, egg whites with a little cheese, 60 cals, crystal light, 10 cals, it comes out to about 680 cals, 700 cals to round up. then of course he brought a 'treat' though i don't consider it a treat when i feel guilted into eating it. he brought corn twists, which i loved. i would have given it away if i could but he's coming again tonight for the hell's kitchen finale and season premiere of two shows we always used to watch, how i met your mother, which we love, and two and a half men, which we're curious to see what they do with charlie and how ashton kutcher will flow in. he sais to save some for the shows tonight, so i am. i didn't have much last night. i watched the clock, had sessions of eating one at a time for ten minutes, then drinking my 'detox'/'weight loss' tea and water for ten minutes, then eating one at a time for ten more minutes. put away right after that half hour, brought to stuffed ziplocs to school to throw away to anybody - i'd feel too terrible throwing them out. won't eat the rest tonight of course, bring the rest to school tomorrow. so i had about maybe 350 cals, 400 cals of that. adds up to about 1100 cals, like my old limit. definitely have reduced that limit. but i ate well the day before, and i went for a run every night, including last night, and then went on the treadmill to kind of test it out for future late nights when everyone's sleeping, so i only did 110 cals on it, but including my 100 cals from the run earlier, and then BMR of 1329.48 or something, i think i did alright. never got to weigh myself this weekend so i'm getting excited for this saturday morning to come! especially after my coming week.
i'll write about my run tomorrow! and i finsihed wintergirls in two days, loved it! i'll talk about that tomorrow, lunch is about to start, and i don't want to be caught! stay strong girls, it's going to be a good autumn!

closer

so i'll start with the bad. actually, i can't think of much good. but if i do, i'll write it down after the bad, the consistent bad. so, yesterday i had a little binge. i mean little because it's nothin like my old binges. god, no. i've matured in that sense, my binges aren't crazy like they used to be. now they're slightly controlled. had about 1000 cals, good estimate for it.. i know it sucls. but the rest of my food was like.. 300, 400 cals? not the worst. especially since in my exercise science class yesterday my boyfriend and i discovered the nutrition/weight/health section in our textbook, and since he's so into health and exercise we went through it a bit, and came across the BMR and RMR definitions. they're absically the same thing apparently, but although everyone says BMR, RMR is actually mainly used now. they had the equation for it, so my boyfriend did it for me, and it's apparently like 1329.48! i'm happy with that ahah, and then that's if you just literally lie still all day, awake. and i'm not sure if it's for 24 hours or 12, but whatever it's great. especially because i'm more active in general so mine will personally be higher - the equation doesn't account for muscle mass or activity, well i mean it's impossible. but i'm fairly active so mine will be higher in general, then i do activity on top of that so there's even more.
and i worked yesterday, a lot of walking, got kind of busy in the restaurant. had a few bites of the staff meal as planned, some meat, and a couple bites of noodles, and packed it away. i had a bowl of tomato vegetable soup, no cream, so it was pretty healthy actually. brought two rice wraps for my boyfriend along with the remainder of the staff meal, and i have my vegetables and yogurt, and an apple. i'm happy with it. i guess another good thing that came out of my little binge yesterday si that last night i told my boyfriend we were going for a run tonight, so we are. and tomorrow. looking forward to running! get my ass in gear, so maybe the binge was meant to happen, to get me to move again. i tried making a schedule for running, my boyfriend's so into that, but i don't have time during the week.. i mean i can run monday and wednesday, along with friday/saturday/sunday.. but thsoe aren't my shower nights during the week so i'd look gross and hair up for school, which i hate. hate my hair up. it's only up now 'cause i did not want to shower and blowdry last night after work.. rinsed off and just left my hair up. redid it this morning of course.
two egg whites for breakfast again, hot sauce too, good metabolism booster, along with the cinnamon stick i put in all my coffee/tea (i eat it when the drink is done too). almost a whole cup of coffee, black of course, and now i'm having that 'deatox/weight' tea in a tim hortons travel mug. feeling good. basically had a morning stomach too! not a real good one, but a slight one. it felt empty at least, yay. oh fuck i forgot to bring my lentil soup to have tonight at my boyfriend's.. i'm doomed for whatever calorie laden food his mum prepares/him and i prepare for everyone. sigh. it's always calorie laden. had to just have that one little thing to put a damper on my day. not like it was going along swimmingly, but it just got worse. i'll find some way around the unhealthy food.
as for the animosity side, well, i got the plan. almost all the details. i just need to be careful what i do at school.. because they can go through our individual logins and check what we've been doing online at school. so no googling obvious things like her work or whatnot, or i'm prime suspect number one. maybe i'm going a little crazy with this ahah a little paranoid, but whatever, it's good practice to leave no trail. i'll figure it all out.
i'm closer to both my goals, in ana, and in animosity. running again, and have a good plan for both.

ramblings

i feel pretty awful. 'family talk' yesterday, mum, dad and i.. fuck. i am not forced to have that goddamn coconut oil, every other day still, but an actual tablespoon instead of a tiny swig. i can't stand it.. after i swallowed it finally, i gagged, like it wanted to come right back out. my stomach doesn't want it either. my mum says it's 'cause it's in my head, i've convinced myself that's what will happen when i take it - but so what, i'm fine with that. i'll keep convincing myself until i actually do spew it back out, 'unvoluntarily' ahah. so my dinner will be extremely light. i work tonight, so stirfry.. i don't want much. i'll have a few bites of the meat, some vegetables if they're good ones, and pack it up 'for the next day' (aka garbage, or actually to school the next day to bring to my boyfriend, he loooves that restaurant) so i have a good plan. no time to eat before work, and school lunch is always light. so the only other thing the parents made me agree to (not really an agreement is it, when you have to be forced to agree?) have protein at every meal. i'm fine with that, but not fine with eating extra calories.. so, breakfast is now two egg whites, only 30 cals. really good, and it's pure protein. but, every other day it'll be 160 cals including the goddamn coconut oil.. i'll have my apple midmorning or so, 35 cals yogurt around lunch/last two classes of the day, along with my vegetables. i only have a bite or two from the chicken slices, the yogurt has a type of protein on its own.
my boyfriend's kind of given up on talkignt o me about food.. good in a sense but awful in the sense that he doesn't really care anymore. of course he cares about my health, but my whole psychological issues with food? not really i don't think. and lately i've been so extremely supportive of him quitting his part time job (not a big deal i know he's 17, but the stress was killing him) and taking night school and taking a lot of time with schoolwork and his training (for triathlons eventually, marathons first) and still looking for a part time job with less hours in the process.. meaning of course not a lot of time with me, when i have work now and running too occasionally and a lot fo work for one of my courses i'll just call LC now, the grade nine support and whatnot.. it's a lot of work inside and outside of school. i mean i've been great to him through all this, helping him out, reassuring him, making plans and thinking of job ideas etc, and i feel i'm getting no support in return for the one thing always on my mind.. it feels like the support and smiles and all that is just turning kind of fake.. i do really care still, but it's so much effort to always be good and happy with everything and supportive and calm, i can't expend that energy anymore - as i type, by body aches for me to lie down. not even sleep, but at least lie down. my neck is begging to loosen, my shoulders are tense, my arms are sore, my hands are typing incessently, my back aches. i dont' get enough sleep because he can't sleep from stress or he's up late from homework so he's not tired after, and who's there to chat with him before sleeping to get him kind of unwinded and calm? me. i need more sleep, i get up at 627 every day (i like odd numbers for alarms) and he gets up at like 745 every toher day, the days in between he doesn't need to be at school til 1020! i can't stay up past 1130 at the latest, yet i have been. not good for me.
sometimes, i start thinking to myself what would happen if i weren't with him.. i know it's a terrible thought, but all these past memories of him being high and the idiot friends he had and that fucking girl are clearly not going away. and it is causing a problem with us. he may not see it, it's all still in my head as of now, as of the last time we fought about it all, so i haven't said anything since then. but i think i need to. i just don't know what will happen, i'm worried.. i do love him. but i just cannot deal with these thoughts, i just can't. maybe i'm weak then, but so what? people can call me what they want, i'm not trying to hold on to them! they won't let go of me! go ahead and call me weak, pathetic, jealous, a bitch - see if i care. i care about fixing it with him, fixing myself. can't wait for my psychiatrist. they better actually get one this time instead of putting it off then never doing it, like last time. i won't give up on it.
as for my boyfriend.. i just can't put up with it anymore. i need my revenge first, but i still need to talk to him. probably after revenge, or if word gets to him through the friends of what happened, he will assume me. just because of what happened. unfair, yes, but probably the best assumption, also yes. but after that happens, if he does get wind of it, it's a good time to bring up my insecurities and stupid mind.
i am so incredibly sorry for the long, long, long post! if anyone actually finishes it, i am so impressed ahah and so happy. no one can keep up with my ramblings anymore or my thoughts..

come on

i was alright yesterday, despite the whole mother hiding fat in my breakfast thing, i mean did she really think i wouldn't notice butter drenched egg whites? she even tried to say it was just one, and i asked her if she measured out what the acrton said was one. she said now, she made it the size of a normal egg on the pan. well clearly eggs have yolks, and it spreads out on the pan a lot so she must have put like three or four egg whites! i know not calorie overkill, more like really decent for a breakfast, except for the fact that it was drenched in butter. and she force fed me coconut oil (whcih she also tried to say is the lowest calorie oil - try highest! 130 cals for one fucking tablespoon! thank god i didn't have a whole tablespoon) and the fact that i eat an apple as well, which the label says is 80 cals per apple on average, but i maybe have half, i say i have 60 cals per apple. i never really go into the core.. eat all the skin though, most of the fibre's there - or that's what my mum would tell me. so in all it was a shaky, uncertain start to the calories for the day. lunch, fine, 35 cals yogurt right and my vegetable, no more than 60 cals. so i was nervous for the evening. i had a whole plan right, as my last post says, but my mum couldn't get me til 1030 at night. ridiculous. i needed to shower too. it was pouring, and my boyfriend felt sore from work, so no running. we did get some other exercise, but not much, we had a time limit, ahah. but i ended up eating some lasagna.. all homemade at least, and i didn't have much.. i tiny corner piece. there was no cheese inside it, just some on top, and i didn't get it all 'cause it was melted into chunks of onions and stuff in the sauce that i hate - i ate the noodles, only two small squares, some ground turkey in it, and some cheese. that was fine. then there was the belgian bread. delicious. and butter. fuck. i had three pieces. they're not that big of pieces, and for one quarter of the whole loaf, it was 237 cals. at most i had 300 cals with bread, then the butter added.. all in all, i did not exceed 1200 cals. like come onn, body! listen to me for once! i even gave in and had some fidge.. >< only 140 cals worth.. two small ish pieces.. sigh. wish i didn't have that or the bread. my body wouldn't let me say no it seemed, terrible sugar cravings, and that's all white bread turns into in your body. i can do better next time, i knwo i can. i can only stay late once a week like last year.
well i know it sounds like a lot, but my BMR is 1309.1 so that's good, especially 'cause we did some skipping activity in one of my classes and walking all day and just general activity.. i still woke up with a pretty good morning stomach - not near the best i've seen on me, but good enough that i wasn't that upset at all; an improvement. i'm even wearing a tight 'wifebeater' type tank top, with a crop top over it - short enoguh that i can't wear it alone, so, short enough that my stomach is quite visible from the tight tank top, which is white, of all revealing colours. i suck in of course, especially when sitting, but i feel semi good in it. wearing just a crop top this friday, so my weigh in better make me happy! or that plan is ruined ahah. it's not that short, just a bit of belly shows, and if my weigh in's good, i wont' even wear a tank top underneath.
right so you know that girl i was talking about last year who was diagnosed in eighth grade, or well like four years ago now? who i put a note in her locker and whatnot? yeah i sit beside her in one of my courses, and it even talks about nutrition and calories and all that later on in the curriculum. i also sit next to my boyfriend on the other side, and i talk about calories and the mother feeding me fat thing in that class, just so she'll hear and maybe catch on, whether or not she read the notes last year. she'd know, out of everybody, i think. i can also tell when she listens, and i've noticed her listening to the fat thing. good start.. i dont' want her to know know, just to have an idea kind of knowing.. i don't know why, don't ask, my mind's weird. i have to print things for my next course, i guess i'll get on with it! sorry for all the rambling again, i miss this, and you guys! i know it keep saying that ahah but i really really mean it. talk tomorrow if i can!