get crazy

so i'm doing alright. i feel a little weird. heavy, though i know i can't possibly be over 100 lbs, what i was saturday morning. i know i can't be, it's impossible, not with the calories i've counted, overestimating even. but i feel heavy. and gross. i hate that word, 'gross', but there really is no better word for this description. just.. gross.
i keep getting these weird, sharp pains.. they come at the most random times. i don't want to go into details as to where or anything, a little embarrassing, though i don't even understand it.. but it's been going on for over a year, and they come at really random times. i don't have to be doing anything specific, just i'm sitting and it'll happen. lying down. running. walking. cooking. eating. showering. working. i don't understand it, but when it happens, it literally forces me to freeze until it passes. usually it happens in bunches though. when the first one comes and goes, i can expect another after it. i just got one, and i'm waiting for the next, but it should have been here by now. getting more unpredictable. sigh. maybe i'll have to do something about that soon..
i want to lock myself in a bathroom stall, high school movie cliche style, and stay there for the rest of the day, keep myself barricaded until i can leave and go to work. i work again tonight, covering someone's shift for them.. so three days in a row, yesterday, tonight, and tomorrow too. evens out; only one shift next week. i was good at work, no desserts, just about five gummy bears (20 cals estimation, 30 cals overestimation), and about six maraschino cherries. i don't want to know how much those are. i put them in my diet coke, with a wedge of lime. but of course i googled it. 10 cals each. so, 60 cals.. or maybe i had seven.. damn. i'll say 70 cals to be safe. sigh. in all, about 100 cals at work. not bad, only a bit of sour cream, salsa, and shredded cheese, with some stale tortilla chips beforehand. and celery, cucumber, egg whites. doesn't sounds like much at all eh? well, why do i feel so bloated and fat like i ate all night?! where's the morning stomach, the hunger pangs, the satisfied feeling!? driving me insane, this feeling of zero progress.
well i work tonight, so no gummy bears, no cherries. just lime in my diet coke. and no snacking beforehand! once my lunch is done, i cannot eat until my shift, maybe a bowl of soup. two, if it's a consomme, and not cream based. no rice. no staff meal. that goes to my boyfriend tomorrow. i can do that. maybe i'll feel better in the morning then.
speaking of, we're doing badly together. rough patch. cliche i know, but it's true. another reason i want to sit in the comfort of the stall, alone, eavesdropping from time to time, the stall i have once thrown up in. i want to feel safe again, secure.
or, i just want to get crazy, do what i want, and not have a care in the world about it. if only i could in my situation. but, my situation calls for studying. i'll make a note to self to get crazy this weekend.

goals

i feel absolutely awful. i feel incredibly nauseous and all i've had was coffee.. you might think that's why, but nope. i had not one ounce of healthy food yesterday. i feel terrible. i didn't exceed 2500 cals at least, which is probably what i burned with my BMR and the continous walking i did (not an excuse i know, at least i revved my metabolism for the next week) but it was all junk. fuck me, i know it was stupid. and saturday i didn't eat the best - i ate fine, then had a little junk too. and tonight there's dairy queen ice cream cake, best cake in the world. i checked, 1/8 of an 8" round cake (probably what we're bringing to my cousins) is 370 cals. i'll make sure it's cut into more than eight pieces, and still say it's about 350 cals for a slice. i won't eat dinner, i'll say i'm having it at my boyfriend's after i leave my cousins', but i'll tell him i ate at my cousins'. always works. and him and i are going for another long run too. and other than that i'm eating my yogurt and my celery and cucumbers, and yeah most likely a little (healthy!) something at my boyfriend's after the run, like a couple eggs, protein of some sort.
so, i know my weight now. 100 lbs. goddamn. but, i made a plan for myself that i think is easily followed. basically, lose 1 lbs a week. simple. fast, but not so fast that i give in or get too weak. and, if i manage this, which i totally can, i can reach amazing goals. here are the rules.

- lose 1 lbs per week.
   - maximum 800 cals per day.
   - run minimum 5 times per week, for minimum 10 minutes each time.
- if succeeded
   - 95-96 lbs by hallowe'en.
   - 94-95 lbs by birthday.
   - 87-90 lbs by christmas.
- if failed
   - fast (maximum 300 cals) for minimum one day the following week.
   - reach maximum 97 lbs by birthday.

now i know the first part will be easy, to get to 97 lbs.. but, to get the coveted 96 lbs? a different thing. i've never reached it. i can't wait. only 1 lbs a week.. of course, once i get to 95 lbs, it will be very hard to lose more, so i don't expect below 90 lbs at all for christmas.. and i see all my family then and i don't want to alarm anyone, because some of them may have a keener eye than my close family. i'm alright with not being under 90 lbs though, for now, i mean we'll see once i get to 95 lbs ahah and lower, but i feel alright with it as of now. besides that's way in the future, i don't have to worry about it. right now i have to worry about getting into the wonderful double digits again.

my body

i know i keep saying this, but i'm serious this time, well i'm always serious about it but i am more determined now, to upload pictures! i really really want to now. i always meant to before but i was never really comfortable with it exactly i guess.. now, i want them up here. motivation.
speaking of.. i'm sorry i haven't posted lately, but i've been doing so well! i can't remember exactly everything i ate from tuesday to thursday but i'm pretty sure i have the calories in my head. and they are all estimations only, and i overestimate too. so,
tuesday: approximately 650 cals. wednesday: approximately 830 cals. thursday: approximately 850 cals. i know it's been going up it seems, but i also have beenr unning every night, and i worked three hours on tuesday, and three and a half on thursday (last night), which is all clearing tables, wiping tables, settting tables, walking back and forth from hostess stand to tables to bar to kitchen to hostess stand, and it keeps going. always carrying things too, stocking napkins and such, or straws, or when i clear tables, the trays, piled with dishes, glasses, and garbage. thursday was much busier than tuesday, so it works out i ate less tuesday and a little more thursday, because not just from the walking, i burned 350 cals on the treadmill thursday, last night. and then 200 cals on wednesday night, and only like 130 cals or something tuesday.. but it works out, the more you eat, the more you have to exercise.
so why don't i know how much i weigh? i'm terrified of the scale right now. absolutely terrified. i know i've been doing really well but i don't even wake up with morning stomach anymore! what is up with that, i have no idea. i've eaten little bits and pieces past seven, like a piece of banana bread last night (technically dinner i guess) and i had diet coke. i still have my minimum 1.5 L of water too.. been drinking tea and black coffee too.. i don't get it. so, in the absence of my morning stomach, i'm terrified to step on that scale. i feel it determines my success for some reason. i know i can lose weight still without it, but it doesn't feel as good i guess.. i mean if i ate 100 cals a day, and only ate at midnight, i know i'd lose weight. but i wouldn't exactly have morning stomach, wake up with that addictive empty feeling, nearly concave look. my stomach is like my main issue, then my damn upper arms. i won't get into everything i don't like on myself ahah i'll be here all day describing in agonizing detail. so anyway, i guess i'll have to weigh myself tomorrow. whether i like it or not. this sucks. well, love you guys, need to talk to a teacher now abotu school, get my mind off this hopefully at least.

feel like shit

i only have time for a short post, but fuck i screwed up. i feel alright, but terrible at the same time, some shape tea (the detox/weight loss one i've been talking about, that's its name) last night, three mugs.. nothing last night.. then this morning, when i could sleep in, my stomach woke me up in an uproar way earlier than i wanted. but i feel a lot better now, wearing an XS american eagle off white, thin, long sleeve, kind of crew neck shirt. always thought it was too tight for me, but other than my arms, it hangs loosely. draped over my ribs, hanging over my stomach. i like it. a carf too, so you can't see my bra, and to make me look not so plain. my arms though, are cased like sausage. that's how it feels. ugh.
so, to bypass over yesterday please, wintergirls: amazing book. triggering for me somehow. but i love it, and have many more to read now. i almost feel like i'm lia, and my friend is cassie - she's self destructive it seems to me a lot of the time, sadly, and i can't do anything about it, but we half support each other in our goals. we've shared them, talked about food, mia, ana, etc. she's more mia, i'm more ana, just like cassie and lia.. and cassie is way more self destructive than me, so it fits that she'd be cassie. and i know i want to live. just to get thin. anyway i don't have much time..
running! i've started. my boyfriend tells me to have rest days, which would be my work days, three times a week. but i don't want to rest. even on 'rest' days i feel i should do minimum ten minutes, hard, or like two kilometres. those are both at least 100 cals for me i know. so, time's almost up.. i miss you guys like crazy and i feel terrible but stronger at the same time, quitting the tea - only one teabag left really, but i should stop before i turn the other mia, the lesser talked about one. i don't want that to happen to me.. so i'm getting some more, but only for in emergencies! like birthdays or thanksgivings or christmases, etc. or for when i'm drunk and crave fat, but only when i'm not so drunk that i dont' vomit.. i sometimes do when i'm hungover or really drunk but that hasn't happened in ages, don't like being that wasted always.. soemtimes, i guess.. depends on the situation.. sigh, sorry for the semi depressing post! i'll be back tomorrow with a much better attitude!

cannibal

i'm ravenous. for everything. flesh, carbs, blood, salt, bone, fat, love. but you can't have them all. you have to pick and choose, give up one to get another, trade them off, go back and forth between some. you have to get your priorities straight, or you won't ever have exactly what you want. going back and forth being two means you will never have one of them entirely. trading them off from time to time will make you start over each time. giving up one to get another takes strength that not everyone has. picking and choosing is the hardest part, and you have to do it first to make sure the rest doesn't happen. i know what i've chosen.
flesh, bone, and love. it's never an easy decision. i choose love over blood, because i love my boyfriend more than i want to see blood, and he's really against it i learned four years ago in freshman year - it was the hardest decision beacuse i basically put blood in the same category as the good choices, but it's an uneven number, i needed to make a sacrifice. i choose bone over fat, because it's the easiest decision, i much rather see bone than fat, and eat nothing than fat. i choose flesh over carbs and salt, because without salt, flesh is flat and not bloated, and without carbs, flesh showcases the bones instead of hiding them.
dad came over last night, sirloins, all fat stripped off, plain lettuce salad, and three tiny pieces of garlic bread, because he knows it is my favourite - to be correct, he knew it was my favourite. but i've always felt bad with him and food, unfortunately/fortunately, so i had three tiny pieces, no more than 250 cals. sirloin? five or six ounce, approximately 55 cals per ounce, so maximum 330 cals. lettuce, maybe 30 cals. not too bad right, 610 cals? then including the rest of the food i ate that day, egg whites with a little cheese, 60 cals, crystal light, 10 cals, it comes out to about 680 cals, 700 cals to round up. then of course he brought a 'treat' though i don't consider it a treat when i feel guilted into eating it. he brought corn twists, which i loved. i would have given it away if i could but he's coming again tonight for the hell's kitchen finale and season premiere of two shows we always used to watch, how i met your mother, which we love, and two and a half men, which we're curious to see what they do with charlie and how ashton kutcher will flow in. he sais to save some for the shows tonight, so i am. i didn't have much last night. i watched the clock, had sessions of eating one at a time for ten minutes, then drinking my 'detox'/'weight loss' tea and water for ten minutes, then eating one at a time for ten more minutes. put away right after that half hour, brought to stuffed ziplocs to school to throw away to anybody - i'd feel too terrible throwing them out. won't eat the rest tonight of course, bring the rest to school tomorrow. so i had about maybe 350 cals, 400 cals of that. adds up to about 1100 cals, like my old limit. definitely have reduced that limit. but i ate well the day before, and i went for a run every night, including last night, and then went on the treadmill to kind of test it out for future late nights when everyone's sleeping, so i only did 110 cals on it, but including my 100 cals from the run earlier, and then BMR of 1329.48 or something, i think i did alright. never got to weigh myself this weekend so i'm getting excited for this saturday morning to come! especially after my coming week.
i'll write about my run tomorrow! and i finsihed wintergirls in two days, loved it! i'll talk about that tomorrow, lunch is about to start, and i don't want to be caught! stay strong girls, it's going to be a good autumn!

closer

so i'll start with the bad. actually, i can't think of much good. but if i do, i'll write it down after the bad, the consistent bad. so, yesterday i had a little binge. i mean little because it's nothin like my old binges. god, no. i've matured in that sense, my binges aren't crazy like they used to be. now they're slightly controlled. had about 1000 cals, good estimate for it.. i know it sucls. but the rest of my food was like.. 300, 400 cals? not the worst. especially since in my exercise science class yesterday my boyfriend and i discovered the nutrition/weight/health section in our textbook, and since he's so into health and exercise we went through it a bit, and came across the BMR and RMR definitions. they're absically the same thing apparently, but although everyone says BMR, RMR is actually mainly used now. they had the equation for it, so my boyfriend did it for me, and it's apparently like 1329.48! i'm happy with that ahah, and then that's if you just literally lie still all day, awake. and i'm not sure if it's for 24 hours or 12, but whatever it's great. especially because i'm more active in general so mine will personally be higher - the equation doesn't account for muscle mass or activity, well i mean it's impossible. but i'm fairly active so mine will be higher in general, then i do activity on top of that so there's even more.
and i worked yesterday, a lot of walking, got kind of busy in the restaurant. had a few bites of the staff meal as planned, some meat, and a couple bites of noodles, and packed it away. i had a bowl of tomato vegetable soup, no cream, so it was pretty healthy actually. brought two rice wraps for my boyfriend along with the remainder of the staff meal, and i have my vegetables and yogurt, and an apple. i'm happy with it. i guess another good thing that came out of my little binge yesterday si that last night i told my boyfriend we were going for a run tonight, so we are. and tomorrow. looking forward to running! get my ass in gear, so maybe the binge was meant to happen, to get me to move again. i tried making a schedule for running, my boyfriend's so into that, but i don't have time during the week.. i mean i can run monday and wednesday, along with friday/saturday/sunday.. but thsoe aren't my shower nights during the week so i'd look gross and hair up for school, which i hate. hate my hair up. it's only up now 'cause i did not want to shower and blowdry last night after work.. rinsed off and just left my hair up. redid it this morning of course.
two egg whites for breakfast again, hot sauce too, good metabolism booster, along with the cinnamon stick i put in all my coffee/tea (i eat it when the drink is done too). almost a whole cup of coffee, black of course, and now i'm having that 'deatox/weight' tea in a tim hortons travel mug. feeling good. basically had a morning stomach too! not a real good one, but a slight one. it felt empty at least, yay. oh fuck i forgot to bring my lentil soup to have tonight at my boyfriend's.. i'm doomed for whatever calorie laden food his mum prepares/him and i prepare for everyone. sigh. it's always calorie laden. had to just have that one little thing to put a damper on my day. not like it was going along swimmingly, but it just got worse. i'll find some way around the unhealthy food.
as for the animosity side, well, i got the plan. almost all the details. i just need to be careful what i do at school.. because they can go through our individual logins and check what we've been doing online at school. so no googling obvious things like her work or whatnot, or i'm prime suspect number one. maybe i'm going a little crazy with this ahah a little paranoid, but whatever, it's good practice to leave no trail. i'll figure it all out.
i'm closer to both my goals, in ana, and in animosity. running again, and have a good plan for both.

ramblings

i feel pretty awful. 'family talk' yesterday, mum, dad and i.. fuck. i am not forced to have that goddamn coconut oil, every other day still, but an actual tablespoon instead of a tiny swig. i can't stand it.. after i swallowed it finally, i gagged, like it wanted to come right back out. my stomach doesn't want it either. my mum says it's 'cause it's in my head, i've convinced myself that's what will happen when i take it - but so what, i'm fine with that. i'll keep convincing myself until i actually do spew it back out, 'unvoluntarily' ahah. so my dinner will be extremely light. i work tonight, so stirfry.. i don't want much. i'll have a few bites of the meat, some vegetables if they're good ones, and pack it up 'for the next day' (aka garbage, or actually to school the next day to bring to my boyfriend, he loooves that restaurant) so i have a good plan. no time to eat before work, and school lunch is always light. so the only other thing the parents made me agree to (not really an agreement is it, when you have to be forced to agree?) have protein at every meal. i'm fine with that, but not fine with eating extra calories.. so, breakfast is now two egg whites, only 30 cals. really good, and it's pure protein. but, every other day it'll be 160 cals including the goddamn coconut oil.. i'll have my apple midmorning or so, 35 cals yogurt around lunch/last two classes of the day, along with my vegetables. i only have a bite or two from the chicken slices, the yogurt has a type of protein on its own.
my boyfriend's kind of given up on talkignt o me about food.. good in a sense but awful in the sense that he doesn't really care anymore. of course he cares about my health, but my whole psychological issues with food? not really i don't think. and lately i've been so extremely supportive of him quitting his part time job (not a big deal i know he's 17, but the stress was killing him) and taking night school and taking a lot of time with schoolwork and his training (for triathlons eventually, marathons first) and still looking for a part time job with less hours in the process.. meaning of course not a lot of time with me, when i have work now and running too occasionally and a lot fo work for one of my courses i'll just call LC now, the grade nine support and whatnot.. it's a lot of work inside and outside of school. i mean i've been great to him through all this, helping him out, reassuring him, making plans and thinking of job ideas etc, and i feel i'm getting no support in return for the one thing always on my mind.. it feels like the support and smiles and all that is just turning kind of fake.. i do really care still, but it's so much effort to always be good and happy with everything and supportive and calm, i can't expend that energy anymore - as i type, by body aches for me to lie down. not even sleep, but at least lie down. my neck is begging to loosen, my shoulders are tense, my arms are sore, my hands are typing incessently, my back aches. i dont' get enough sleep because he can't sleep from stress or he's up late from homework so he's not tired after, and who's there to chat with him before sleeping to get him kind of unwinded and calm? me. i need more sleep, i get up at 627 every day (i like odd numbers for alarms) and he gets up at like 745 every toher day, the days in between he doesn't need to be at school til 1020! i can't stay up past 1130 at the latest, yet i have been. not good for me.
sometimes, i start thinking to myself what would happen if i weren't with him.. i know it's a terrible thought, but all these past memories of him being high and the idiot friends he had and that fucking girl are clearly not going away. and it is causing a problem with us. he may not see it, it's all still in my head as of now, as of the last time we fought about it all, so i haven't said anything since then. but i think i need to. i just don't know what will happen, i'm worried.. i do love him. but i just cannot deal with these thoughts, i just can't. maybe i'm weak then, but so what? people can call me what they want, i'm not trying to hold on to them! they won't let go of me! go ahead and call me weak, pathetic, jealous, a bitch - see if i care. i care about fixing it with him, fixing myself. can't wait for my psychiatrist. they better actually get one this time instead of putting it off then never doing it, like last time. i won't give up on it.
as for my boyfriend.. i just can't put up with it anymore. i need my revenge first, but i still need to talk to him. probably after revenge, or if word gets to him through the friends of what happened, he will assume me. just because of what happened. unfair, yes, but probably the best assumption, also yes. but after that happens, if he does get wind of it, it's a good time to bring up my insecurities and stupid mind.
i am so incredibly sorry for the long, long, long post! if anyone actually finishes it, i am so impressed ahah and so happy. no one can keep up with my ramblings anymore or my thoughts..

come on

i was alright yesterday, despite the whole mother hiding fat in my breakfast thing, i mean did she really think i wouldn't notice butter drenched egg whites? she even tried to say it was just one, and i asked her if she measured out what the acrton said was one. she said now, she made it the size of a normal egg on the pan. well clearly eggs have yolks, and it spreads out on the pan a lot so she must have put like three or four egg whites! i know not calorie overkill, more like really decent for a breakfast, except for the fact that it was drenched in butter. and she force fed me coconut oil (whcih she also tried to say is the lowest calorie oil - try highest! 130 cals for one fucking tablespoon! thank god i didn't have a whole tablespoon) and the fact that i eat an apple as well, which the label says is 80 cals per apple on average, but i maybe have half, i say i have 60 cals per apple. i never really go into the core.. eat all the skin though, most of the fibre's there - or that's what my mum would tell me. so in all it was a shaky, uncertain start to the calories for the day. lunch, fine, 35 cals yogurt right and my vegetable, no more than 60 cals. so i was nervous for the evening. i had a whole plan right, as my last post says, but my mum couldn't get me til 1030 at night. ridiculous. i needed to shower too. it was pouring, and my boyfriend felt sore from work, so no running. we did get some other exercise, but not much, we had a time limit, ahah. but i ended up eating some lasagna.. all homemade at least, and i didn't have much.. i tiny corner piece. there was no cheese inside it, just some on top, and i didn't get it all 'cause it was melted into chunks of onions and stuff in the sauce that i hate - i ate the noodles, only two small squares, some ground turkey in it, and some cheese. that was fine. then there was the belgian bread. delicious. and butter. fuck. i had three pieces. they're not that big of pieces, and for one quarter of the whole loaf, it was 237 cals. at most i had 300 cals with bread, then the butter added.. all in all, i did not exceed 1200 cals. like come onn, body! listen to me for once! i even gave in and had some fidge.. >< only 140 cals worth.. two small ish pieces.. sigh. wish i didn't have that or the bread. my body wouldn't let me say no it seemed, terrible sugar cravings, and that's all white bread turns into in your body. i can do better next time, i knwo i can. i can only stay late once a week like last year.
well i know it sounds like a lot, but my BMR is 1309.1 so that's good, especially 'cause we did some skipping activity in one of my classes and walking all day and just general activity.. i still woke up with a pretty good morning stomach - not near the best i've seen on me, but good enough that i wasn't that upset at all; an improvement. i'm even wearing a tight 'wifebeater' type tank top, with a crop top over it - short enoguh that i can't wear it alone, so, short enough that my stomach is quite visible from the tight tank top, which is white, of all revealing colours. i suck in of course, especially when sitting, but i feel semi good in it. wearing just a crop top this friday, so my weigh in better make me happy! or that plan is ruined ahah. it's not that short, just a bit of belly shows, and if my weigh in's good, i wont' even wear a tank top underneath.
right so you know that girl i was talking about last year who was diagnosed in eighth grade, or well like four years ago now? who i put a note in her locker and whatnot? yeah i sit beside her in one of my courses, and it even talks about nutrition and calories and all that later on in the curriculum. i also sit next to my boyfriend on the other side, and i talk about calories and the mother feeding me fat thing in that class, just so she'll hear and maybe catch on, whether or not she read the notes last year. she'd know, out of everybody, i think. i can also tell when she listens, and i've noticed her listening to the fat thing. good start.. i dont' want her to know know, just to have an idea kind of knowing.. i don't know why, don't ask, my mind's weird. i have to print things for my next course, i guess i'll get on with it! sorry for all the rambling again, i miss this, and you guys! i know it keep saying that ahah but i really really mean it. talk tomorrow if i can!

til the world ends

it smells like my best friend in student services. don't know why. but i still miss her. thank god i have writer's craft with her, we can talk slightly in it, not much 'cause of all the constant writing, but i enjoy it. hopefully i'll see her outside of class soon.
anyway, i passed that dreadfully terrible girl in the hall today.. so glad my boyfriend dropped the class he had with her! (unrelated to her being there, but i like it either way.. yeah i'm jealous i'm trying to get over it but whatever i can't change overnight so i accept it) but as i passed her, barely two inches from shoulder to shoulder, i had that urge to knock into her. that one that fills you with red anger, setting your insides on fire with quick adrenaline, heart pounding in your head. i didn't do it. the fire died down, my heart slowed and returned to my chest. i was disappointed. i desperately wanted to. and i think i will, next time.
i thought that was all relevant ahah, to me it is i guess.. but on another note, food! of course.
my mum and i got in an argument today. she wants me to take this coconut oil, blehh. like it's disgusting. a coonut taste which isn't the worst thing i guess, but i definitely prefer fish oil, but she won't let me have it instead! i wore her down to every other day i'll have a 'quick swig' - not near a tablespoon, the opening's small. but fuck. i want fish oil instead. this oil is the highest in calories, has a filmy feeling and taste in my mouth, and tastes and feels like pure fat in my mouth. it actually makes me gag. she doesn't understand that. i would take the oil, but just not coconut oil! the doctor said it was the best one for me though so she's sticking to it. she did research by herself as well and she is convinced, and relentless. fuck. i hate it. she won't get off my case about that, and about protein. she tried to make me eat 'one plain egg white' this mornign, which i have no problem with, it's like 15 cals, but she didn't measure out the egg whites, so i said i'd only have a few bites, so i took one - pure butter. disgusting. butter does not belong on eggs. she went away, i shovelled a few small bites in my mouth, but couldn't accept the fact that it was fried in butter. a lot of butter from the taste of it. so i spit it all out, maybe swallowed one measly bite.. probably still minimum 50 cals, i'm thinking 100 cals. fuck that. along with the oil? and with the approximately 30 cals in my coffee from my benefibre, i'm looking at minimum 200 cals for breakfast alone! that's the absolute minimum! i'm guessing more like 250 cals.. so disappointed, but she won't leave me alone. i had half my lunch already, three cucumber slices, and four small stalks of celery, and one bite of an extra lean smoked chicken breast slice. stomach's still growling, at least. actual lunch now: small apple, and one yogurt. 60 and 35 cals. under 100 cals at least.. half salvaging my efforts today. dinner? nothing. at my boyfriend's til eight, we're going for a run beforehand and getting some exercise, so i told him i'd eat at my house after, because i can't run on a full stomach (which is true!) but i told my mum i'd eat at my boyfriend's before i came home (that was the lie) so her efforts to force feed me fat will be wasted. i will win once again. i am so determined this time, especially seeing her in the halls today, and with friday coming fast at me to weigh in at maximum 100 lbs. and since my mum's trying to feed me fat, i'll come back and laugh in her face - not literally, or she'd know i'm lying about food, ahah but figuratively. i'll win this battle, not you mum. and i even got my boyfriend to ban me from junk food, because it upset my stomach yesterday (true actually) so i'm banned now. yay!
i also started taking my mum's detox/weight loss tea she had from a while ago.. she said i could, but i decided to just start this morning. she said they were kind of like laxatives, most weight loss teas were, she said.. but it's just tea, i have minimum a mug every night anyway, i'll just add another mug of this tea.
i know i seem all over the place, but i realised today i'm going to be like this my whole life.. ana never leaves.. americaneaglelove says it best in her quote from the memoir 'wasted' and her explanation of it. always one foot in the mirror, you can't leave forever. and in my last post about never being able to turn back on the path. you can branch off of it, but you will always have been on it. no turning back. if only i can achieve my idea of perfection, i'll be happier.. maybe. if not, i'll look better at the least. but, i'll be like this til the world ends. maybe about revenge too, ahah.. read on for that..
i really have to pee now actually, ahah tmi? and i don't want to ramble forever! missed you all! i'll find something else to do during my spare now. like finalise my plans for come uppance on that girl. i dont' care who says i'm overthinking it or hanging on to it or whatever. i really don't. my boyfriend thinks i'm ridiculous, thinks i should leave it alone, leave her alone, but the more he 'defends' her (not actually defending.. but ish i guess) the more i want to smash her face in. but, my plan doesn't involve physical violence (yet, ahah) or even my name. i'll never rest on this, or things liek this that will come in my life it seems.. anyway i'll finalise those plans and post them next time! ahah this is kind of turning into revenge and bones. maybe i'll change my title from 'addicting agony' to something along those lines.. temporarily, til the 'revenge' is complete. love you all!

if i was you

i have finally returned..
i've been feeling pretty damn awful. school started last tuesday, not even a week yet. a week tomorrow. i've been incredibly stressed, which caused my period to be late, which caused me to be even more stressed, incredibly so. way more than i usually get. and i don't even get stressed often.. well it came yesterday finally, five dyas late, which i know isn't a huge deal, but mine's usually spot on, or maximum like one or two days early/late. i had pretty bad cramps yesterday too, which i also never usually get, just on rare occasions, and i had to work through them, my second shift at my first ever job. i'm a hostess, started last thursday, and worked last night, sunday, as well. i'm actually enjoying it, and i find i'm quite good at it too. i don't make tips yet 'cause i'm in training, but when i do i'll be making more money than all my friends even though a hostess' minimum wage is lower. really i should be out of training, my trainer did nothing last night. i did all my stuff by myself basically. either way, i'm constantly moving, even when it's really slow, i'm stocking thigns, cleaning things, setting tables, fixing the settings, making drinks for the servers, washing the hot towels, setting them up, putting glasses away, etc. always moving, always busy. for over three and a half hours, last night night was just about four and a quarter, and thursday was three and a half. i like that aspect, and the staff meals i get every work shift are healthy - it's an asian style restaurant, not chinese or japanese, but like mongolian, and it's all stirfry, and the staff meals are made by someone different each time, and i can just avoid the noodles and eat all the meat and vegetables. and as much diet coke as i want. yum.
so, i've been rambling to postpone the inevitable.. my weight. fuck. something went wrong.
i now weigh.. sarcastic drum roll.. 102 lbs. yep. fuck.
good news, it caused me to rethink things. i won't explain all this now, but this one girl.. that i explained ages ago about.. who 'got with' my boyfriend two years ago when i was in malaysia, yes we had broken up but we were at a point of a relationship again without it being official or anything, that's what he told me anyway.. well in either case she was always skinny, but she had a weird body shape. not exactly atttractive, not to my boyfriend anyway, i know what he likes. he likes how my waist goes in and goes back out to my hips, especially when i lie down on one side. she has no curve there. from her hips to her underarms, it's basically straight. like a box. but her arms are so thin, and her legs are too. her skin is amazing, i'll give her that.. and her hair seems to cooperate with her always.. and her face is just getting better. not that she's super pretty or anything but over the summer at least something happened, i've noticed, being back at school, that she did get a little better.. and i'm terrified. what if he rethinks things? too many questions. i can't wait to start self medicating again. and to get my psychiatrist! not that i'll get prescription meds, mum won't allow it i bet, but i can still self medicate. been doing it for years. but this girl is driving me insane. i've started running again.. i'm pretty out of shape cardio wise apparently, i used to be so good! i'l work it up again no problem. perfect weatehr for running for me, cool, a chilly wind. i can't stand heat. makes me overheat like crazy. mind you i still overheat. just not as easily, so i can go further before i feel like collapsing. i still wheeze though.. weird. oh well i'll deal.
so i've started running again, and my boyfriend is extremely supportive, he's a fanatic of running and biking, and he's taking up swimming now - he wants to do triathlons, and everntually an ironman. so he'll always get me running if i don't feel like it. other than running, i have a food system. planned diets have never worked for me. counting calories has. i just sued to go to about 1100 cals or so thinking it was safe, and i got where i was going, 97 lbs, but very slowly. took four months for 8 lbs. not horrible but i'd like faster progress. i'll just make sure i definitely don't go past 1000 cals this time. and when i work, i can have a few bites, pack it up, and throw it out somewhere else, or bring it to school for lunch and throw it out. or on fat days, just pack it up without eating any. then other days, breakfast is still one small apple, black coffee. but now i add fibre (benefibre) to my coffee, about 60% my daily value, which only comes to 30 cals. not too bad. then i have all celery and another vegetable for lunch every day, more fibre. and vegetables at dinner too. no way i'm losing fibre again. and then dinners are whatever but i can control portions.. and it's always healthy with my mum. still drinking 2L of water too, one crystal light, that has 12% daily fibre as well (raspberry peach and mixed berry).
she won't leave my mind. as pathetic as it sounds, i don't think i can get over it. or the fact that he lied to me for ten months after it happened, and he only told me 'cause my best friend made him, or she would have told me. i lvoe her.. i need to go hug her. i miss her. but i am on this path, and there's no turning back. just like in toll lines, there are spikes that pop up when you go past, making reversing impossible, you can never reverse out of this. once you're on the path, you will always know it. i'll beat her yet. goal: 100 lbs this friday. more determined than ever.