short post..
i fel like shit. mont tremblant went well, only one of my best friends could make it, however it was still a lot of fun. a lot of good talks, good brainstorms for short stories. i missed her. and we're both still so.. i don't know. odd. in the good ways, but also in the bad ways. not too much has changed it turns out. good thing, and a bad thing.
also, the junk food, oh my lord. i managed to actually throw out leftovers when we got home, somehow i found that strength to not save it for the next day, when i would undoubtedly binge and purge. i threw it all out. of course i am disappointed, being the next day, because i want it. i crave it. but i know i'd be swallowing laxies right after.
i'm trying to stop laxies.. trying to. it's harder than i thought. i said it before the weekend. then every day i had some. i said it when we got home. had some. said it yesterday. had some. said it today.. so far i haven't. i work all evening at least, distracting, occupying. but there is free food all around me too. i ahve to be strong.. i've had 570 cals today and i weigh a whopping 100 lbs after this weekend.. fuck. i hate it. i dont' get it. i need to be at least 98 lbs for friday.. which means drastically reducing intake, even if it is all of a sudden, not gradual. i don't care anymore. i want the weight off.
a girl in my writer's craft class reached my goal awhile back. 95 lbs. my first goal, i should say, not my ultimate one. but she reached it at least a month ago, and i've been gaining and losing like a fatass. sure i broke the plateau, but then just ballooned up to triple digits again! never again. seeing her today, she finally wore something so you could see some skin. slightly cropped top. it was enough to make me fast for two days straight (speaking of, i'm thinking of fasting tomorrow.. work again, a perfect excuse), it at least made me realise i wasn't going to eat anythign else today. just diet coke and lime, and maybe black coffee. more water too, keep falling off track with that, and i'll need it once i go through withdrawal of laxies.. all the bloating and temporary weight gain. not looking forward to it. fuck laxies. i hate them. i love them. i need them. i can't take them. they'll kill me. they make me live.
i'll get over them.. it will just be a difficult process alone.. other than you ladies, and all this, my second world, secret identity. at least i have all that. and i love you for it.
I don't know if this will make you feel any better, but that weight that you gained won't be fat at all. It will just be food weight. Once you've got rid of it, you'll be back at 98lbs.
ReplyDeleteAnd it sucks that someone reached your goal weight before you. I so know how that feels. Not that my person is losing weight, she's just that skinny anyway, so lucky to be naturally thin.
I've been tossing up whether to use laxies or not myself lately. Never used them before but I'm feeling some great urge to now.
anyway, I'm always here for you, good luck with getting to your goal weight. I KNOW that you can do it!
sighh i hope it's just food weight.. but even after that, lax withdrawal - bloat and temporary weight gain, right in the fine print. i mean i know it's temporary.. but how temporary? i can feel it, see it, the numbers don't lie. i feel disgusting, makes me want to take more and more, even though i quit.
ReplyDeletebut what does make me feel better is the support you give me =) i wish i got online more to give you the same amount, all the time, but circumstances don't allow for me to do that safely.. i'll keep trying. thank you. =)