truth

so i binged yesterday. tried to purge, but i didn't have much time.. and i hate doing it at school. yeah, i binged at school.. i had this link crew training thing all day in the caf, and no it wasn't any caf food (separate rooms anyway) that i had, one of the link crew coordinators (one of the four teachers who run it) brought in like four platters of cookies right before our first break. fuck. i didn't even realise what i was doing til i had quite a couple.. then throughout the day they left them there! so i just had more and more til i realised.. i've probably had about three times my limit if not more. what the fuck am i doing. and i didn't eat anything for the rest of the day, not one thing. i had a lot of water anyway, 2 litres, with one crystal light, and a small coke zero.. so 10 cals there.. then some cucumber slices and small celery stalks. and green tea with part of an apple for breakfast. so minus the binge, i had about 100 cals. i mean, really good, except the binge was definitely over 800 cals, so god, over my new limit already. i'm thinking i had maybe 2000 cals in the binge. i am so mad at myself. today i will be perfect to compensate for it. a positive of the binge though (i like to feel somewhat not entirely horrible) is that i quit eating really early in the day, around 3pm. so i woke up without a giant balloon of a stomach at least, but i could feel it there. if i'm going to make this new limit for me, i have to start sticking to it.
weird though, i swear i've been gaining weight since my detox, but my jeans don't fit me anymore.. like it's normal for them to feel loose after one wear, but i'm talking right out of the dryer fresh cleaned. and loose. i dont' get it, my tightest jeans, 00 american eagle skinnies, were loose by the time i left my house.. which is like less than an hour, a half hour maybe. that doesn't make sense at all. but god i would so damn happy if i made it to 000 jeans! i think when my mum comes home i'll have to order some online from ae and see if they fit.. if they do, well my months of effort will have come to some use. actually more than months.. i've been struggling for a very long time with my appearance, but only in the past few months have i really gotten focused on it. happened around the time my boyfriend was hiding part of our last school year, like 2009/2010 school year, while i was away in malaysia with my mum. we tried long distance and made it for half the year, til out of nowhere he breaks up with me on my goddamn new year's eve. sure for him it was the day before, but fuck have some consideration after that long. anyway he knew what i was up to that whole time we were separated, i didn't try to hide anything.. and i assumed he did the same, and my best friend would have told me something - we had a promise there. (i'll try to keep this short.. not my strong suit though) so then i get home first week of june, and they're still in school, so i visit the school a lot til they're done and hang out with my friends and him after etc.. we got together again like four days after i got home. so then only in january do i hear the goddamn truth. he was hooking up with one of the girls in their group; "only" four or five damn times. he only fucking told me because one of my best friends had some conscience - it wasn't even the one who made the promise with me! and she told him that day, 'you tell her what happened or i will' so, he did. only because he was threatened.t hen there's this other bitch guy who used to be my best guy friend, people joked he was my bitch even before, in freshman year of high school, two years back. so he hates me now whatever whole other story, and he likes to fuck with my boyfriend and i - fourth time he's done it - and wrote a song about what happened with that slut and my boyfriend and was planning on showing it to me, to tell me what happened through a song like that (he's also made a song named after me, basically the entire thing is insults towards me, mean things about me..). bitch. anyway so the truth came out and i was devastated obviously because he had basically been lying to my face for about eight months if not more that he hadn't done anything with anyone last year, blah blah BULLSHIT. so it was one of our biggest fights, needless to say. anyway this is about the time i started to focus on my food. i can't control what happened i can't make it better i can't change it. i am nowhere near over it still it was a complete breach of trust from not only him but my two best friends who knew and the one that promised. and everyone acted fine. and he tried to get me to be friends with that group only a month or so before (because i hate them anyway, i only like one girl.. my other best friend hates them all, not part of that group) and then i hear this? does he expect me to want to continue that, everyone lying to my face, laughing behind my back, knowing the truth, me looking like an idiot? no. i don't think so. so i can't change any of that. and without realising it i started focusing on food a lot more than i did. i did before, all school year in fact, marking down my weight every day i could, counting calories.. but not to the extreme i'm doing now, i can't eat anything without knowing the calorie content, and i need to exercise, and i can't eat past certain times.. it disgusts me. so it just took a turn for the worse when all that happened in late january.. i didn't even notice it til this week, when i started thinking about why or how or when this happened. and that's the conclusion i came up with. i have a lot more indepth theories concerning the same scenario, but it'll probably be boring to read and too long to write.. as an aspiring clinical psychologist, i tend to overthink things to all of that by habit now.
so anyway, i've been dealing with not having my fitness class for a week now (today is my first time in the class for a week! long weekends and link crew days.. and we're not even in the gym working out - just playing games.. but at least it's exercise.. i'll take it) and every night since saturday i've been going on my elliptical for an hour at home.. obviously that's why i can't sleep at all this week but i need to compensate. i'm trying to do better.. so today i'm going to be really good. three coke zeros left, maybe have one tonight, with a small dinner and maybe i'll pop some plain popcorn, really low cal and high fibre and really filling for me. sounds good to me. already threw out part of my lunch, and kept only the celery and cucumber, again. back to 900 cals a day. my stomach won't stop growling right now and i'm loving it. i'll end this on that good note, and the fact that inexplicably my jeans are loose. looking forward (kind of?) to weighing myself on sunday..

staying fat

well i woke up without morning stomach. it was to be expected anyway, fucking late night timmies run.. made a good choice at least, small smoothie with no yogurt (minimal calories) but i should've just said no to everything. i've been getting good at no! but what happened? ugh.. well today i'm starting my new limit, 900 cals. i feel like i ballooned up to 100 lbs again over the course of the weekend. i need more movies to watch and i need to find a way to get these books to read. speaking of which, 'speak' was a good movie.. it made me cry quite a bit actually, which it shouldn't have as it's not the type of movie i don't think that would make someone cry.. i guess i can just relate.. not exactly relate, with the exact same thing, but related to what happened to her.. and no one thought it was a big deal, when i told anyone. so it really made me cry when her friend didn't believe her, i've been there at least.. anyway.. well i'm hoping my new 900 cals limit will make a difference. no eating past 7:30, no going past 900 cals. i can dot his.. i've already had my treat for the day, too - a tiny maple sucker, about 22.5 cals but i'll round up to 23 cals. the label said 45 cals for two, and i had two in my pocket, thinking it wasn't that much.. but i saw my friend who's usually late so i went with her while she got a late slip and a drink, and she loves maple too so i offered her one. she took it thankfully and i was left with just one.. so, 23 cals it is. i could have so many more.. there's a bag in my locker, courtesy of one of my best friends who i share a locker with - and she said i could have some. i kind of freaked out at her, now i realise it must have been odd xP she was walking away to class and turned and said 'oh yeah you can have some of those by the way' and i just stared at her and kind of exclaimed 'no! no no no! i can't!' and she just looked at me like '..ohhh kay then don't' and kind of smiled while saying it but i realise i must have seemed odd doing that. i didn't mean to freak, but if she hadn't said that i wouldn't have thought of having one.. i'm not trying to blame her, i take full responsibility. but i'm glad i only had one. and that was my breakfast, along with green tea at 7:45 this morning. yum. and so far so good with hiding my fibre1 in my second locker.. i know, first day of school this week, but it's always the first thing i eat, between first two periods or during one of the two. like that cuts out 140 cals automatically - with my 1100 cals diet, that means it turns into a 960 cals diet.. all the effort i really have to do now is cut out 60 cals more. shouldn't be that hard, right?
hah, we'll see.
of course i know why i'm doing this right now, starting right now - i have not gotten past 97 lbs that i know of in god knows how long. getting to even 96.5 lbs would be amazing! showing my progress. i've never tried going on a lower calorie diet than 1100 cals.. and with normal logic, if i made it to 97 lbs (granted, over a lot of time..) with that, then with 900 cals i should get there a lot quicker. 900 cals. i'm just going to stay fat if i continue eating how i did this past easter weekend.. and god forbid probably get fatter.. i expect to be 97 lbs again by the first week or so of may. 900 cals. all i really need to do is cut out 60 cals more.
900 cals.

one more weekend

so this weekend was terrible. i never believed the whole overcompensating thing after a diet.. i didn't realise it even til each day was done. i can't believe this. so i have a new goal: just be under 97 lbs by may. that is my one goal right now, and i need to achieve it. may starts this coming sunday, so i have little under a week.. but no worries i at least have a whole plan for it. first off, i need to start reading again, to distract myself from food and all else.. i used to read all the time, but school keeps getting harder obviously as i get older and workloads grow etc leaving less time to do what i want.. but i'm going to start reading again every minute i can. i went searching online last night for a bunch of ana books and compiled a huge list on my ipod touch. don't know how i'll get these books out of the library without being questioned by my dad, as the list really is massive so i'll be asking for quite some time now to be getting these books.. but whenever i can i'll be reading them. i think i want to start with 'the best little girl in the world' by steven levenkron.. reminds me of me, the two sentence description of it that i read, anyway. it went something like this: at 5'4" and 98 lbs, the girl believes she is overweight' and seeing as i'm 5'4" and, well, 97 lbs, i feel maybe i could relate. also i'm trying to watch more movies when i'm home alone online, like 'girl, interrupted', or 'speak', or pro ana films. oh right, and other ways i'll accomplish my goal are hiding more food. with lunch, i get an average of 210 cals each day. easy way to cut that down is to hide my fibre1 bars (i love them so much.. but sacrifices have to be made!) in my second locker at school. that cuts 140 cals each day right there. breakfast, i'll either have an apple or an egg white. egg whites have less calories, but apples are way mre beneficial to my health and would help keep people quiet. i may alternate depending on the time i have in the morning. as for dinner.. well we always have a salad first, so i'll really try to fill myself up on that. vegetables really fill me for some reason so i'll use that to my advantage, drinking at least half a litre of water through the duration of my salad.. then whatever else we have that night, i'll have less, because i hate the feeling of being reeally stuffed.. bloated.. nauseated.. i feel good about this. my detox week helped like crazy, this better too. i know i started this off by saying i'd cut down my 1100 cals maximum by 100 cals every so often, but screw that i'm skipping right to 900 cals. that is my new maximum. i'm not going to go around and tell people this, namely my boyfriend, but if he asks about it i won't lie to him. it is my body after all, i'm just not going to start something with him by bringing it up myself. i already haven't been that good today.. thank god i burnt more than half the batch of shortbread i made yesterday! my nanny (grandma) had some, and i had some today.. i'm leaving some though for my sister to try when she comes over tonight so i won't eat any more. i had i think three or four.. oh this is bad, i can't even remember. i'm just going to say 250 cals, as i said 200 cals for three and i don't know.. and they're really not that big. then i've had coffee, nothing, and i'm going to have an apple the second i want food again to stop hunger right away. then i will wait til dinner. so that makes a total of 310 cals so far, leaving 590 cals for dinner. wish we weren't having pasta with cheese sauce and garlic bread though.. sigh. there'll be four of us though so it'll be easier for me to take less; my sister's boyfriend eats like crazy - well all teenage boys do. god love them. no bread for me tonight! and little pasta, with little sauce, and no parmesan. a small bowl of pasta can't be 590 cals, i checked the nutritional info, and a cup is like 300 cals.. and there's not going to be that much for me thankfully. if i want something sweet after that not so filling dinner plan, i can have coke zero! i love it so much more than diet coke.. love my easter treats my dad got me! the six pack of coke zero he got are smaller cans but they're adorable! and a container of popcorn kernels.. can't believe how low cal, fibre full, and filling plain popcorn is. new snack? yes. new drink? yes. ohh this is going to be good. so now i'm going to start a movie, i think 'speak' today, then at 2pm i'll take a break to watch the doctors and go on the elliptical for an hour. here we go on a new cal max.. i can't wait to break the 97 lbs barrier!
one more weekend to go and i will!

sunday morning

first off, does anyone have any good movie suggestions for me? whenever i'm home alone on weekends i like to watch movies online or catch up on my shows online.. last weekend i watched 'girl, interrupted' and right now i'm partway through 'THIN: the documentary' so movies like that.. i'd love some more suggestions! oh and keep in mind i always will overestimate calories for things i don't know about, so all the totals are overestimations here:


monday
breakfast: apple: 60, green tea: 0
lunch: celery: 9, cucumbers: 20, carrots: 30
dinner: two cups soup: 150, broccoli soup: 300
others: crystal light: 10
total: 579
litres: 1.5


tuesday
breakfast: apple: 60, coffee: 0
lunch: celery: 9, cucumbers: 20, green beans: 30
dinner: two cups homemade soup: 100
others: crystal light: 5, two tbsp peanut butter: 180, handful marshmallows: 90
total: 494
litres: 2


wednesday
breakfast: apple: 60, coffee: 0
lunch: celery: 9, cucumbers: 20
dinner: two cups homemade soup: 200
others: crystal light: 10, oatmeal muffin: 200
total: 499
litres: 2.5


thursday
breakfast: apple: 60, green tea: 0
lunch: celery: 9, cucumbers: 20
dinner: two cups homemade soup: 80
others: crystal light: 5, blue menu popcorn: 100
total: 269
litres: 2


friday
breakfast: coffee: 0
lunch: mini mini coffee crisp: 60
dinner: cream of broccoli: 190
others: crystal light: 10, eight danish cookies: 340, smartfood: 390total: 990
litres: 1.5


saturday
breakfast: coffee: 0
lunch: five homemade mini mini oatmeal muffins: 300?
dinner: fettuccine alfredo: 600?
others: crystal light: 10, two smirnoff ice: 476, half a beer: 110, giant kinder egg: 660
total: 2156
litres: 1


sunday
breakfast: coffee: 0, green tea: 0, yogurt: 35
lunch: five cookies: 295
dinner: six perogies: 315 (love perogies! low cal too), sour cream: 50
others: crystal light: 5, homemade whole wheat shortbread: 200, two chocolates: 58
total: 958
litres: 1


fuck. friday, saturday, and sunday almost physically pains me to write. but fuck, saturday. why does drinking do that to me. i am getting smirnoff ice light next time for sure, fuck this. i am so mad at myself. i have to compensate for it. and sunday i don't know what happened all day, it was awful. i baked 'cause i was bored.. i'm a good baker, but i have to stop doing that.
well i at least woke up with morning stomach. miraculously. somehow. last night i realised how gross i've been this weekend and when my dad went to bed around 11:15, i was contemplating going on my elliptical. SNL started at 11:30 as usual, and by midnight i was half watching it and half staring at my elliptical. after the best part of SNL, the weekend update, i tied my running shoes and in my pyjamas off i went. at first i decided to go til SNL was over, 1 am.. then i flipped channels and found the only show on my awful thirteen channel tv (home improvement) and decided i could watch some of it til i hit a loss of 440 cals.. well next thing i knew i was at 500 cals.. then i said well damn i ate that chocolate, i have to get rid of it. so i went til a loss of 700 cals occurred. not exactly drained of energy, but still needing sleep, i went to bed at about 1:45 am. maybe that's how morning stomach cam to be this morning; i don't know who it did but i am not complaining. i can't believe that happened though. this is awful. goddamn!
well today i will be good. i don't know what my dad has in mind for dinner yet as he's not here, as usual, but i can control my portion size. til then i don't think i'll eat anything. just tea and water, one crystal light, maybe some leftover reheated black coffee. i must do well today, and all this week. just one more 0.5 lbs even and i'll be so happy.. to finally get under the 97 lbs mark.. i was browsing through blogs and found a thinspiration one: http://thinspiration-pictures.blogspot.com/ and i don't like all the pictures, but some just struck something in me.. and i just started thinking, i can do this. i could really be that skinny! not everyone can but looking at myself now, i could! so why not take advantage of that? i can do it! it might just take some time.. but i will do it.
as it's easter, i was expecting some sort of easter package in the mail from my mum. well my sister's came, though it should have went to her house and now it's just sitting in mine for a week now taunting me, and mine never did. hey it's coming from malaysia, wouldn't be surprised if it was 'confiscated'.. but i don't care if it was or not. less junk for me! but i told my dad what i wanted; coke zero (i prefer it over diet coke for whatever reason) and popcorn kernels. we have a popcorn popper, and popcorn is only 150 cals for 7.5 cups! and loads of fibre, and it's really filling to me. perfect right? i don't add salt to anything, and at most one tablespoon of butter.. which i'd only do if i had serious cravings or had been really good around then. but i wake up to nothing. nothing but french onion chip dip in my fridge and chips in my cupboard. fuck, dad. that's not what i wanted and you know it. that may all be for when my sister comes tomorrow for a late easter dinner, i believe, so i'm still hoping he'll bring home my easter treats tonight! hah look at me being all optimistic after saturday.. well i have to be, if i'm not then it'll just get worse and worse and i'll be right back up to 100 lbs. so, i've got to stay excited for this week!
to breaking the 97 lbs barrier by may!

god, that's good!

i am ecstatic! i weighed myself this morning and yesterday morning, friday. both mornings, 97 lbs! i reached my goal weight for next friday, this friday (yesterday)! drastically reducing my calorie intake really boosted my weight loss quickly. the only thing i need to watch for now is not bingeing and gaining back the 3 lbs by this friday.. why is friday so important to me? it's my two year anniversary with my boyfriend <3 lucky it falls on a friday. it technically is our first one together, as i was away last year, so i really wanted to feel good about it, about myself. now if i can lose 1 lbs more in one week.. i've done it before, it's possible.. but that means i can't go right back to 1100 cals a day. my boyfriend got pretty upset when i was talking about lowering it.. he kept saying that we had 'settled on 1100 cals' a day, but i want it changed. i'll try this week for max 1000 cals.. 900 cals if i can manage. i'll just hide half my lunch in my second locker at school every day to cut 175 cals each day right there. then for dinner i'll just make sure to have smaller portions. breakfast though i think i should continue what i did during the detox.. black coffee or green tea and an apple. apparently apples are 60 cals but i have kind of smaller ones.. small round gala apples. i swear they have to be less than 60 cals, but i like to overestimate.
so first day off the detox.. i did go on a little binge last night, my last detox night. fuck. i had some smartfood (big weakness!), and some small danish cookies.. i had eight, which is insane, but for four cookies it was only 170 cals.. so 340 cals in total only. then smartfood, i maybe had a third of a bag.. but i did the math and it comes out to about 390 cals for that only! made me really happy, as i love smartfood so much. i love chips too, but comparing calories, smartfood wins. so even with that binge last night, i woke up and weighed myself this morning at once again 97 lbs. god that's good. this is really a big deal for me, because the last time i ever remember being weighed at 97 lbs or less was before high school, over three years ago. if i make it to even 96.5 lbs in the next month i will be overjoyed! so i decided on my own to eat max 1000 cals a day, 900 cals if i can manage. i'll tell my boyfriend if he asks how much i've eaten; i won't lie. i just need to do this.
today i'm going to his house again.. and his mum is making fettuccine alfredo, one of my favourites, with chicken but as i'm a vegetarian (really has helped me with weight loss!) i get some before she adds it.. last night i decided to have some before the alfredo sauce was put on too. she looked at me oddly when i told her, but i actually love just noodles and butter and parmesan.. less cals and fat than alfredo! she makes it  herself, with loads of cream and butter.. ugh. can't eat that first day off the detox, it'd blow my calorie intake right there! so i'm only having a small portion, with a teaspoon of butter and a shake of parmesan. if that, ahah. already today i've had like five little oatmeal muffins.. but they were homemade from scratch and really mini.. whole wheat flour and brown sugar too. i don't feel bad about them, i just feel content with my food intake and can wait until dinner to eat anything now, which is good. don't know how many calories were in the muffins as we made them smaller than the recipe said, and even then it didn't say. but i can assume it's enough til dinner for sure. also had a cup and a half of black coffee, and a green tea. i am going to have one or two smirnoff ices today i believe, and those have about 238 cals each. so i might just have one if i can manage, because my boyfriend's mum lets us drink, in moderation of course, and she knows i love those - she always gets some for us, and beer for him (i used to kind of like beer.. now, i really don't. but i would love to try molson 67, only 67 cals per beer! i'd drink that!) so it would be weird if i said no if she offered more than one. we'll see how that goes. but right there is 476 cals.. wow. there are smirnoff ice lights, 110 cals per bottle.. i need to get those next time! she's trying to lose weight too so maybe i could talk to her about it tonight.. she thinks i'm crazy for wanting to lose weight apparently but that's just because of the weight difference between her and i. she may need to lose way more than me, but i still need to lose minimum 5 lbs from here. so i'll see what she says about the light ones.. but i can do this! break the 97 lbs barrier for the first time in all of high school! i am so excited. i'll try and take pictures by next sunday latest to show exactly where i'm at and i'll continue maybe every sunday with my weekly food tracker from now on - i'll post my first sunday post tomorrow, minus the pictures, for an example. actually, i think there is an example in a previous post where i talk about an average daily food and calorie intake for my detox week.. called 'sunday morning' actually, and it'll be called the same every sunday. it'll be just like that, but there'll be five, one for every day of the week, then from now on, pictures too. so i have to get ready to head over to my boyfriend's, wish me luck!
but damn am i excited for this.

spell of love

i love my boyfriend. i admitted to him i cheated on my detox, and of course he doesn't care, i mean he hates this detox and says i'm being stupid and starving my body.. but he said that when i spend tomorrow, friday, with him, my last detox day, he won't let me touch anything i can't have. he's going to be strict with me. it's good friday so we don't have school, which means i'd either be all alone at home (not a good idea!) or at his house (better..) where at least he can watch me and be strict with me. he's having a family lunch though, and i'm of course invited.. i asked him about that and he just said he won't let me have anything. i love him. i know already that he loves me, but it shows here - he doesn't like 'what i'm doing to myself' but he knows i need to do it and supports me. of course it's because it's only a five day detox but still..
so day three, wednesday! it went well.. i cheated a little.. but still under 800 cals! yes. i had some peanut brittle in the morning.. when i went to get my coffee my nanny (grandma) forced it on me saying she didn't want to eat it all and made me have the last two pieces because she knows i love it - and i do. peanut brittle is amazing. she also makes this other treat i can't resist, it's mini marshmallows (the multicoloured ones are the best) in a mixture of butterscotch chips and peanut butter. those two things melted and mixed together, add in marshmallows, and cool in fridge til they're hard so you can cut them in squares. ohh my lord, it's delicious. i'm not sure if there's anything else, i think that's pretty much it.. so that explains my peanut butter cheat the other night, dipped some mini marshmallows in it.. i'll post the cheats along with everything else i've eaten this week on sunday for my weekly sunday post.
so anyway, other than that it was fine but i was alone at my boyfriend's house after school - he had a test to write, and his mum took his sister to a doctor's appointment - so i made muffins. they're into muffins lately, and i love them so much.. the oatmeal muffin mix is soo good when prepared, then when they're still hot, i put butter on it.. it's amazing. so i had a muffin because i made twenty four muffins for them when they were all gone. my bad.. but still under 800 cals! wow this is turning into a lot of food information.. ahah sorry! i'm determined to make today, thursday, and tomorrow perfect as my last two detox days.. so i'm going through a little withdrawal! as for today though it's going great. only my apple and black coffee in the morning, my lunch is a few stalks of celery and some large cucumber chunks. dinner, i have no idea what i'm going to do. i didn't remember to bring soup because i'm staying late at my boyfriend's.. if his mum makes broccoli soup for me that'd be amazing. if not, well i'm fine with not having anything.. mind you my boyfriend won't be fine with it. he'll force me to eat something, like their crazy high in sodium dry soup mix.. ugh. if i get prepared soup, it's the canned stuff at least and it's either 'HealthyRequest' vegetable soup or'WeightWatchers' vegetable soup. so we'll see what happens for dinner, but as of now i feel great! as of now, with dinner unknown, i'll only have consumed 89 cals.. after dinner, who knows, depending on what soup i have. broccoli soup she makes, i have no clue.. she puts cream in it, but only two tablespoons or so, and freshly shredded cheddar cheese, but not much of that either. the rest is broth and broccoli. more than my homemade soups, but hey it's delicious and still definitely under 400 cals for a bowl.. no way it's higher. i guess 250 cals. so with that, it's only a total of 339 cals! i'll take that. my willpower right now feels great though. sad thing is i didn't get any exercise today.. i usually do with my fitness class but i asked to do work instead because i have a big test in the afternoon and a presentation, and i depserately needed to work on both. the presentation stuff is all done now, but i have to leave to go work on math for the test now.. not looking forward to this. but hell i'm looking forward to weighing myself in the morning, even without exercise i'll have burned more than consumed, and if i feel awake enough i'll take a ride on my elliptical before bed.
this is looking up already. i love my boyfriend, and i can't wait for the weigh ins now!

attention attention

i'm thinking i might need to do some photo updates as well. i know i've only just got started here and it would be nice to have more followers, i do enjoy not having many.. for the sole reason that if i do upload photos, not many people would see them, hah. i'm thinking i should. i wish i could get some feedback though on that, if i should or not.. i don't really have any when i was 120 lbs so that doesn't help.. well i do but i'm always in concealing clothes, so they're not that great for 'before' pictures. of course i can always take some now at 100 lbs for reference to when i lose eight pounds to my gw. right now, my gw is 97 lbs.. but after that, i don't care if it's a slow loss and takes months, iw ill get to 92 lbs! yay optimism.. always comes to me for the weirdest things. i'm not complaining though, because they're always things i really really want, or need. this, i need.
so day two of the detox went well tuesday, yesterday. seeing how sugar is as addictive as heroin, and yes my whole family and i believe i am literally addicted to it, it is so difficult for me. i fell into cravings again. i had two tablespoons of peanut butter.. fuck. thank god it was only peanut butter that i wanted though and not chocolate or caramel or ice cream or anything.. just wanted some peanut butter. i know that's like 180 cals right there.. but then i was still definitely under 800 cals, my soup detox is really an excuse to lose weight quicker. my boyfriend knows that, i just won't admit it to anyone else. he says he's only not stopping me because it's temporary.. and at least he understands i need to do this for my mental health. i love him. i love how he's still concerned and is watching what i eat and cals and all that, yet he still lets me have control over it because he understands the psychological need i have.. he won't let me get too unhealthy, and he'll let me do what i need to unless i get like under 90 lbs. and that isn't even my goal, but if it happens and i become 'sick' then we'll see what we'll do. but at 97 lbs he even admitted i was completely healthy (and i was!) and even said at 95 lbs, my old gw, i would be healthy. 92 lbs is only 3 lbs less.. it can't make that much of a difference. i'm a smaller person in general i guess, i have great genes from my daddy. he's tall and super skinny and has coke (never diet) all the time, it's his weakness, and food like mozza sticks and cookies and amazing ice cream.. not a lot mind you but no matter what he's super skinny, and like over six feet tall. i got his genes, thankfully. but being a girl i still have to work to stay in shape.. we need more body fat than men to carry children and etc.. sucks, but we can't do anything about that part. so i love my boyfriend. he refuses to let me be unhealthy, and he watches what i eat when i'm with him - not allowing me too much or any junk, but forces like protein powder in me and healthier foods, always whole wheat bread, etc (though i grew up with whole wheat, wasn't allowed white bread, so that's not a big thing.. i don't even eat bread, toast, sandwiches, whatever. only garlic bread occasionally.. garlic is a weakness! at least a healthy one!) but he still supports me when i really need it =)
so day three of detox, or really my five day crash diet, as i'm getting like 300 to 700 cals les than my usual diet, is going alright.. i had my little thing of sugar to satisfy the addict in me in the morning, got it over with early so tonight i can go to bed content and relatively empty. sticking with black coffee and apple for breakfast, done with along with the sugar, and lunch is cucumbers and celery, then dinner, small salad with only vegetables and my homemade soup with celery, broccoli, and carrots in vegetable broth with oregano and pepper. a bit too much pepper in it, but it is good i must say. so i'll try and have dinner later than usual, still before seven, to stay fuller longer.. i even woke up with a slight morning stomach! after my peanut butter attack! good news eh. and getting my sugar done with early should help with tomorrow's morning stomach.. so excited to see it and feel it. i love the feeling of it too; satisfaction. looking forward to feeling satisfied in the morning. as for the rest of the day, i know i can do it. got my sugar done with, and the day looks good (other than the freezing rain out of nowhere) for me. so i wish i had some opinions, yay or nay on the photos, and other opinions on them.. should i be fully clothed, paritally clothed? some of both maybe? if i don't get any opinions in the next two weeks i'll make a decision i guess, which is most likely what will happen, i'm thinking. not really popular here ahah still new to this. oh well i really don't mind, but now is time for some work; joy.
if i can stay strong for the rest of the day, anyone can.

wish i had an angel

so that was monday's post, couldn't get to a computer though til today.

now, tuesday is going well! much better than monday.. it was my grandpa's birthday monday too, which does not help. i will admit i dipped my finger in icing from the cake.. i did not eat the cake, i dipped my finger in the icing though, sigh. and i dipped my finger in an oatmeal muffin mix.. that's it though! for the first day i did pretty well. also dinner was two soups instead of just one.. but, under 800 cals i believe, so yay! happy. if i don't get happy with the first small accomplishments i make then i'll never be fully happy with the big ones i make. so here's to the first step! now, i just had some form of exercise, about an hour of volleyball and drills and warmups. not bad, but i wish i could have done more. i think i'll use my elliptical tonight if my dad doesn't get too questioning.. sticking to my soup detox perfectly today though. one apple and coffee already, all vegetables for lunch, and a small salad with my homemade vegetable soup for dinner. looking forward to it. i felt good when i wke up, not exactly morning stomach but pretty damn close. definitely better than what it was when i went to bed. oh yeah i also can't eat past seven pm, except days when i go grocery shopping or come home later than usual it's impossible, so on those nights i make it seven thirty, eight at the latest. i like when it's seven though, i always try for that first, and today it's possible. so tomorrow morning i think i will love my morning stomach; i hope i will. and friday, wow. it should be great. if i weigh myself friday and it happens to be under 100 lbs (my CW) then i'll do my best to stick to under 1000 cals for at least the rest of the weekend and check back monday morning (day off from school), if it's lower than 99 lbs then wow i will be happy and extra careful. at this rate, if i can get to 97 lbs by next friday.. i will be ecstatic.

so new goal here! 99 lbs by this friday, and if that happens, 97 lbs for the 29th!

only issue is i have friday and monday off.. and it's easter time.. already got most of the chocolate so i'm pretty much safe except my mum is sending me something in the mail, an 'easter treat' she said. and my dad said he'd get me something for when my detox ends, for saturday night when i watch SNL.. chili cheese ruffles chips. they are delightful. odd flavour but i love them, whether that's what they taste like or not, i don't care, they are awesome. i'm pretty sure that's what he's going to get me. and it was his birthday on sunday, he got twenty mini mini chocolate bars.. ten kit kats and ten coffee crisps.. fuck i love both of those! 60 cals each, so with all twenty it's 1200 cals! what the fuck! even if i don't eat them all, god forbid, it's still a lot, adds up quickly.. you think oh, 60 cals isn't bad, but then BAM. you've eaten 600 cals without realising it. ten we'll probably give to my sister, and the other ten.. sigh. i even told him to bring them to his office because he doesn't want them, and he keeps saying oh, no you can have them when you're done the detox, i'll just hide them til then. i'm not worried about cheating my detox, i'm worried about cheating my daily calorie allowance! i'll keep pestering him about bringing them to the office.. i mean he'll probably get me those deliciously awful chips anyway. so, other than that i'm safe.. but having friday and monday off will be difficult. friday not as much because i still have my detox at least! but monday.. who knows where i'll be but there will be temptations. at least if i'm at home i can go on the elliptical as much as i need if i eat junk. if i'm anywhere else; boyfriend's, daddy's, well damn. i will do my best though of course. also saturday we might be drinking.. grr calories. i probably won't get anything, but there'll be temptations anyway and drunk people like junk food. if it's around me some may force some to me or i may fall.. ugh. we'll see how this goes.. but as said if i get to 99 lbs by this friday, i will be even more motivated to be good the rest of the weekend. i'll post what my weight is friday and monday.

i wish i had angel to protect me from temptation..

american psycho

written monday, day one:
day one of the detox is going well!have all my food planned out and it's under 400 cals! (well minus today, monday).. damn boyfriend's mum). i feel good. about to work out now too, hopefully burn a minimum of 500 cals.. i feel good about this. and i don't have to hide anything; throw out food, lie about eating, face the weird looks.. well i'll still get weird looks for doing a 'soup detox' but who cares. so this is making my life so much easier.. hopefully i can get away with doing a soup detox for five days once a month at least.. the rest of the days, well i'll figure something out. lying and throwing out food makes me feel so bad, but it has to be done sometimes.. i wish it didn't, so i'll figure something out for the rest of the days.. but i'm excited to see how this detox works out for me. hope my body doesn't go into 'starvation mode', i mean it's only five days and it's nearly 400 cals a day, it should be fine. i'll keep tabs on this though. people think i'm crazy for doing this, they think it's stupid or that i'm stupid for doing it. well i'm not. i like it. and if i feel good that's all that matters.
time to hit the elliptical! day one almost over.

sunday morning

i'm going to do my best to post what i eat every day, once a week, on sundays.
i feel it will keep me on track, so people can see when i cheat.. IF i cheat! i'll obviously do my best not to.
also i don't really care if i have sugar, my body's been addicted since i was little..
(there have been studies showing sugar is as addictive as heroin)
so it's pretty hard for me ahah anyway as long as cals are below my limit i don't care what i eat.
i also like to keep track each day of how many litres of water i drink. 2: low average, 3: high average for me. also weekends are the worst for me! ohh my lord. so those days will always vary.. i'm either home alone for entire days, visiting my daddy (helllo calories..), or at my boyfriend's (helllo more calories..) so i'll start this tomorrow, monday the 18th. it will be a bit monotonous; i eat generally the same things every day except dinner which changes every day.. but this week i'm doing a soup detox, yay! so it will be even more monotonous i guess, but i am so excited. i even got my mum's support on this, it was her idea awhile back anyway. just because she's not here doesn't mean i can't do it. i talked to her today about it even and we went over the guidelines for it. she said only about 5 to 7 days, so i'm going to start with 5 days. monday to friday. on this detox, i really can't cheat. and it's been an awful weekend.. my dad's birthday, and his side of the family's easter get together.. hi chocolate nemesis. it was extremely awful.. as soon as i post this, i'm hitting the elliptical for as long as it takes. 1000 cals maybe? so for this week, here's a basic eating schedule.
average day (i am overestimating everything for cals)
breakfast: apple: 60, green tea: 0.
lunch: celery: 9, cucumbers: 20, carrots: 30
dinner: two cups homemade soup: 200
others: crystal light: 10
total: 229
litres: 2.5


i'll keep track of my progress though, definitely can't cheat on this! excited. now for the elliptical.
hard work coming up.

move along

i can't believe all the people around me at lunch thursday (wish i could've posted sooner, super busy though!).. my boyfriend's a lot better. two small homemade oatmeal muffins, peanut butter and jam sandwich on whole wheat.. but the other guys. oh my lord. one guy had two pieces of pizza, obviously takeout, not homemade, with cookies.. cookies his chub girlfriend shared with him. another had a big long sandwich, a lot of meat (bologna, ugh) in it with no healthy anything, on a thick white italian bun. i can't believe they can eat all that without a problem, it's awful, how can they do that, how can they not care what or when or how much they eat? i don't understand.. i used to be able to do that.. this year though.. fuck. something changed this year. and i know what.. i'll come back to that. but this year i just can't eat whatever. it's gross. that is why i got up to my HW last year, and i only lost it all to my LW in january this year.. a good seven or so months. i can't let any of that happen again. i need to keep myself safe from that, can't wait for my GW! seeing them eating all that food at lunch.. *shudder* i can't let myself do that.

i won't let myself do that.

sick of me

i need to stick with my willpower. like i was really good wednesday! (yesterday), geez there was this pancake breakfast at my school and the smell was everywhere, and i was very close to it.. it was awful. sausages, pancakes, butter and syrup. i only had coffee, one with some splenda (0 cals though!) the other two nothing. i am a vegetarian, so that really helped with the sausage.. only been a herbivore for two months now, but i may go back to lean chicken breast only. i do eat fish as well, it's too healthy to give up, and the way i make salmon is amazing. we'll see about chicken breast though, because at least the protein's really filling.. only worried about the amount of cals in meat.. well if i wasn't a vegetarian, i think i may have fallen into temptation for the sausages. but i didn't! don't want to know how many cals are in those little things.. or what meat's in them even >< toooo many cals.. definitely would have blown my limit.
which made me curious to find out how many cals i burned daily.. with no exercise, just every day chores or tasks, school, etc. so i did some googling out of curiosity, and yay! i found a website that is near perfect - closest i'll find i'm sure. forget what the site was, but here's another helpful one: http://www.bmi-calculator.net/bmr-calculator/
but as for my results? well..
my 'resting (basal) metabolic rate': 979 cals
typical daily activities (that i entered): 510 cals
calories burned from running: 162 cals
for a total of: 1652 cals per day! changes: only tuesdays, thursdays, and sundays do i do the running to burn those 162 cals. mondays, wednesdays, and fridays, i do the elliptical to burn on average 520 cals. saturdays, i only burn about 300 cals on the elliptical - if i have the time. if i don't, i have other ways to burn about the same amount.
so it takes 3500 cals burned to lose 1 pound of fat.
erego, for this type of average week, i burn a total of: 26,809 cals.
and i weekly consume an average of:  8,500 cals. (for my average cal max, plus two days going to 1500.. it happens) =(
so by this logic:
it comes to a total of: 18,309 cals. takes 3500 burned to lose 1 pound of fat. therefore..
i should be able to lose 5 pounds if i stick to this, to the T, like perfectly, which is a longshot.. but if i can manage for one full seven day week, i'll post back if it made any difference, or if my body went into 'starvation mode', holding on to the ugly fat for survival. like i've been a few pounds lighter than this before. i will 'survive', body. give me a chance to show you.
like dinner was a bit much last night but i was at my boyfriend's -_- and his mum loves me and too often asks if i'm hungry or if "that's all i'm having." very small breakfast/lunch.. dinner was a roast so i had an excuse not to eat it (yay! they have meat a lot luckily) but there were potatoes, and she made gravy without roast drippings, justt for me.. fuck. she's so nice, but it would have been had she not done that. so i had a helping of whipped potatoes with gravy and butter. (my favourite!) then the rest of the celery that was my lunch. not thaat big i know but i still felt huge, even this morning waking up. i love morning stomach! like when i wake up and my stomach is flat as a board or, in the past, was concave even.. starved. i loved it. past two months or more though i've been waking up with regular stomach, slightly protruding. fat. it feels awful.
i want morning stomach again. i have to stick to my 1100 cals AND my exercise i listed.
if all goes according to plan, i might be finally satisfied with myself. maybe.

know your enemy

i thought i may as well start with one of the most important things; what i eat. food.
i always try for 1100 cals max.. my boyfriend gets soo mad if i go under. it's really annoying because i'd love for my max to be lower, but it's really difficult with him.. yes it's amazing that he cares so much but he doesn't seem to care about how i feel - i feel disgusting more than half the time, and i need to have a way lower limit.. he cares about my physical health, but not my emotional health it seems. i'm sure he does, but not in the way i need him to. of course it's been getting worse and worse though.. as he attempts to keep my physical health intact, i strive to keep my psychological health in check, and trying for both does not seem to be working right now. well i do believe i could be just fine, physically, and emotionally.. but apparently my idea of physical health is unhealthy to my boyfriend. he is pretty good with health, but.. he's on a high protein, high fat, and high CAL diet. not exactly what i'm looking for eh! but i will do what i have to do to keep myself sane.. slowly i'll be cutting down my maximum of 1100 by 100 cals every few weeks til i'm comfortable or finally satisfied.. i will do my best not to go under 600 cal maximum though as my mum is a crazy health nut and will say something, and my boyfriend of course will notice it, especially as i eat as his house minimum twice a week, usually three times. fuck.
but i will make it work. i need to.