i am going in circles.
i quit laxies, i eat super well, a few dyas later i have just a smidge of sugary food and i can't stop myself from eating a. lot. then i feel terrible all night until i feel i need laxies. then i make sure the timing's right, liek i won't be at school or work or whatever when they start to work (not always perfectly on time, annoyingly, but obviously i deal..) and take them. and go to bed. and wait. and feel just awful. and resolve to quit.
this feels terrible.
everything's been triggered again on me, i've started cutting again, my left arm looks weird. a 'random' scratch on the top, so it looks like a cat or something, then a frictioned one (not a slice type cut, a back and forth roughly with blade, live i'm shaving layers off my skin) kind of looks like a burn i picked at on top of my hand, three scratches on the side of my hand (i say it was my little cat, whatever no one's staring to make sure it's authentic, if they see it) and on my left wrist.. the slices.. it's my favourite spot it just feels good there. i get most satisfaction there, anywhere else and i don't feel the same feeling. unfortunately. so sweaters it's been all week. they should fade (enough) in a week or so, to use a little makeup on them.
i've been taking a little more pills than i should be, too. at least seven different kinds of metabolism boosters (ex: green tea extracts), appetite suppressors (ex: pgx), and craving suppressors (ex: hoodia extract). at least seven different things though and i just shoved them in a little old pill bottle, so no one's the wiser that they're all different or anything. i don't pay attention to what's what i just swallow five or six at a time. i know it's awful for me.. but i'm not taking like high doses of any of them i guess.
i need to lose mroe weight, i gained, and i am fat. my jeans are so goddamn tight. i can't wear anything but sweaters (besides to hide cuts) because i don't feel comfortable or good in them.
i am getting back on track though.
i might do a liquid diet soon. i'll see how to word it to my mum.
sorry it's been so long.
i'll try to be back soon, rushed now.
oh hun!
ReplyDeleteI missed you!
Question: do any of those pills work? The metabolism boosters and the appetite suppressants and all that. I've never tried any, they aren't that easy to find where I live. But I could try harder to source them if they are worth the trouble.
I'm sorry about the cutting. I definitely know what it's like though. I do hope things perk up for you soon. But well done on quitting laxies! Amazing!
ohh hi! i've missed you so much! you're one of the main reasons i've come back now.
ReplyDeleteat school it's so hard to find time to get online, i have a lot of work to do in my spares now, and i still don't quite trust at home. that's where i am now, and i'll see if any suspicion arises. i hope not! i hope i can just use this computer from now on, no one uses it it's six years old. mum has her laptop so she doesn't touch it. i think i can use it =) i'll see how effective clearing the internet history is.
anyway to keep this moderately short, no time for a post now, have to get some sleep.. so i'll answer those questions:
metabolism boosters: i'm really not sure, i don't think i took them in enough successive days to know, but i don't think so. drinking green tea every night would be more helpful probably.
appetite suppressors: actually i find PGX to be quite good, if you manage to take all the pills every day.. two pills, three times a day. doesn't seem too hard but i am forgetful - when i take them though i really do like them.
craving suppressors: well i don't think they help much with my cravings, but then again i don't take them enough days in a row to really tell.. i also have insanely high cravings, overgrowth of yeast in my gut from the antibiotics when i was a kid, so it just screams 'sugar! carbs!' at me all the time anyway ahah
anyway talk soon! i'll catch up on your blog asap! <3 missed you so much, hope you're doing well!
hey,
ReplyDeleteHave just started reading. I 'get' you so much. Loving your blog, hope you write again soon.
http://toofatforwords.blogspot.com/
check mine out I'm trying to be strong again, getting urges to cut again hate wearing sweaters tho :/
Hey,
ReplyDeleteJust found your blog and am following you. I'm really looking forward to reading more!
http://toofatforwords.blogspot.com.au/
is my blog if you ever need help or support!
hey, i don't really blog much anymore, i don't know why but twitter became my lifee, but do you have an ed twitter account? i've seen that photo on someone's account that i follow and your username is really familiar.. i'd love to follow you on twitter <3
ReplyDelete