i'll keep it short.
i'm extremely bored, feel pretty nauseous, and still kind of worried about the girl and the note and the guidance counsellors. boyfriend almost saw what was on my screen, unluckily enough he has english during my spare and they're in the library, and i'm in the library lab. he had to print something and came to sit beside me of course.. close call, good thing i always keep my screen really darkened ahah and he knows he's not to see my blog, but he still tried of course. don't think he saw anything though at least, yay. only here for two reasons: still scared of going into ss (student services) because of the gc. and it was pretty crowded.
don't know why i'm nauseous.. well i get nauseous all the time actually but i never really know why. it's been like this for maybe a year.. alright less than a year but defniitely beginning of school year or so, september to november, around there. i never have an explanation unless i drank the night before, and i was fine last night so it is not a continuation of saturday night. oh well, i always just deal with it. more and more water! makes it worse, then better, then worse. who cares, i like the water. i'm actually sticking to my new goal of 2 or 2.5 liters! happy for myself. every goal i stick with is a victory for me, and makes my resilience that much stronger for my next goal.
and he fucking came back. surprised me, asked for something, so before looking for it, i changed screens to my hotmail (different hotmail account) but he saw the title in the tab.. fuck, i probably have to change it. he didn't see the second word, he just said aloud'addictive angry?' i said no, he guessed again, 'angro? aggro?' no, no. so he doesn't know entirely. but i'm worried he'll be able to find it now.. i'll decide tonight whether or not to change it.. sigh. why does he have to ruin things for me.
anyway, the vodka gummy bears from saturday night were left in my friend's room half under her bed, forgotten after we hid them from someone coming upstairs. so we decided she'd bring them to school, and hide them in our shared locker, having some whenever we wanted. except for the extra calories i'll be consuming, i'm happy - out of tylenol ages ago, so i think this is a decent substitute. at least tylenol didn't have calories though. but i'm just as content with alcohol feelings as i am with painkiller ones.
so i'm off to read the second of my three books, this one is 'drink this, not that!' and i love it, i love the site too, www.eatthis.com, and i've already read 'eat this, not that! 2010 edition' in two days. next i have 'eat this, not that! supermarket survival guide' they are actually so interesting, i highly recommend them to everyone; they should be at your local library. i promised myself also i'd read more, and where better to start? (another promise i've kept!) 'wintergirls' and 'the best little girl in the world' come next. all i can do to keep myself sane now, sane and not eating. i love reading.
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
redbull and vodka
hey all, so the web address change is only temporary.. i wish i didn't have to change it, i liked foreverfull, so i'll definitely go back it one day, when the heat cools off.. actually i don't even know if anyone has visited or has told anyone, but i saw that girl, the one i gave a note to (i gave a second note saying forget about it completely, basically.. don't know if that did anything ahah), and i saw her in ss (student services) in my school, where people go during spares to finish work if not the library, or to hang out sometimes, and it's where the guidance counsellors are. so i'm a little worried. i saw her walking straight out of the little hallway that's comprised of the teachers' lounge, and the three guidance counsellors' offices. that's all i saw. i don't know what else she would be doing down that little hallway except for talking to a gc. and that worries me. i go to ss all the time to write here during spare, or to actually do work sometimes during my spare, and i've never once seen her there before at all; it's not somewhere she or her freinds hang out. sure she couldd go there regularly for all i know, maybe that day, the one after i gave her the first note, her appointment was just coincidentally at the time i was there, and saw her. so her appointment time was a coincidence. but was the date a coincidence?
anyway so that's why i decided i had to change the address. the title doesn't matter (good, i like mine) because i didn't write it down, and if someone's already been to the blog and saw it, and decided to google the title to find me, well you can see names of posts on the first page but if you click on them they say the blog address has been removed. so one day soon though it'll go back to what it was, thankfully.
so my friend's just starting to wake up ahah so i'll give a brief overview of my night. vodka redbull night. i love vodka redbulls. ahah there's not much else to say. and i drank enough to feel great but not drunk (had i stayed awake longer i think i would have though, because..), but then i woke up at about nine ish i think, feeling extremely nauseous like i'd been pretty drunk. which was fine by me. of course, it feels fucking awful, so i lay there for awhile, everything swimming, deciding what to do.. i heard no one upstairs in their rooms here at her place, so i decided to wake her up and let her know how i was feeling and said i'd go do it quietly with a tap on quietly so it'd be quiet. at first i couldn't do it for some reason and i really had to pee, so i did ahah and then i was able to vomit, four or five times. the last one had me cough a little which wasn't too loud, and ii went as close as i could to water in the toilet bowl. i felt classy. ahah opposite! and it also gave me like a lax effect.. for some reason drinking always does, beer or no beer, drinking alcohol always gives me a lax effect. i do enjoy that. and i feel i have to go again, so today may be pretty good.
my friend's awake now, so i'll get back to her. this was supposed to be very brief, but i really suck at that. short explanations, stories, anything of the like. oh well, i'll try and post tomorrow! hopefully no guidance counsellour comes calling for me, wish me luck loves!
anyway so that's why i decided i had to change the address. the title doesn't matter (good, i like mine) because i didn't write it down, and if someone's already been to the blog and saw it, and decided to google the title to find me, well you can see names of posts on the first page but if you click on them they say the blog address has been removed. so one day soon though it'll go back to what it was, thankfully.
so my friend's just starting to wake up ahah so i'll give a brief overview of my night. vodka redbull night. i love vodka redbulls. ahah there's not much else to say. and i drank enough to feel great but not drunk (had i stayed awake longer i think i would have though, because..), but then i woke up at about nine ish i think, feeling extremely nauseous like i'd been pretty drunk. which was fine by me. of course, it feels fucking awful, so i lay there for awhile, everything swimming, deciding what to do.. i heard no one upstairs in their rooms here at her place, so i decided to wake her up and let her know how i was feeling and said i'd go do it quietly with a tap on quietly so it'd be quiet. at first i couldn't do it for some reason and i really had to pee, so i did ahah and then i was able to vomit, four or five times. the last one had me cough a little which wasn't too loud, and ii went as close as i could to water in the toilet bowl. i felt classy. ahah opposite! and it also gave me like a lax effect.. for some reason drinking always does, beer or no beer, drinking alcohol always gives me a lax effect. i do enjoy that. and i feel i have to go again, so today may be pretty good.
my friend's awake now, so i'll get back to her. this was supposed to be very brief, but i really suck at that. short explanations, stories, anything of the like. oh well, i'll try and post tomorrow! hopefully no guidance counsellour comes calling for me, wish me luck loves!
Thursday, May 26, 2011
worry rock
gaaaaaaah i did it i put a note in her locker >< and i so so regret it now. i mean, what the hell? who wants to get a note like that? who would spend time from their own lives to investigate the note? well, i would, but that's why i did it - i'd do it. i'd be way too curious, and i would invest my own time in it, going to the blog, reading every post, spending way too much time trying to figure out who it was.. alright i think it's pretty obvious with my posts who it is, but maybe to a friend of mine, and she's someone i've never spoken to. so it may not be that easy. but i think it definitely isn't hard. i just feel like she won't care, or like just doesn't want to investigate, like i'd want to.. so i do kind of regret it. especially if the note just fell out, and she never saw it, and it just fell on the ground.. fuck, if anyone else sees it.. it for sure depends on who picks it up, that's imperative to my situation, fuck. i don't know what to do. i wrote she didn't have to do anything but read the note, after that the blog or anything else was completely optional, and really it is, as long as she read it.. but if she does read the blog, what if she thinks i'm crazy? what if she scoffs at me, a disbeliever, a skeptic.. i don't know what i'm thinking. but i believe that's going to happen. only thing, i won't know if she even read the note or not. how will i know? what if it fell? what if she threw it out, as a piece of scrap paper in her locker? too many questions and no way to answer any of them. i'll hopefully think of something.. in the meantime, in case it fell into the wrong hands, i'm changing the blog address and name. sigh. for the best.
anyway in regards to food.. i love perogies. so damn much. and luckily for me, for my body anyway, i can have them with no guilt - virtually none, anyway. pretty low calorie for such awesome things. and of course the lowest fat sour cream there is, and i have hardly more than two or so tablespoons. i still went over my limitations today, 900 cals, because for some reason my dad wasn't that hungry at dinner.. leaving me three extra perogies. ugh. he insisted i have them instead of them going in the fridge. yay. anyway i know it's better for weight loss to vary calorie intakes each day or so, so maybe 300 cals one day, 1100 cals another, and 700 cals another, etc.. i'm going to try that, if i can. maybe in july though. june i have another set plan for myself and i can already feel it being more successful! by writing down everything, like my new water goals, banned foods and foods that are still allowed, and ultimately the changes i've made, i feel good about it already. by writing what i can't have i feel it's more stable, and by writing what i am still allowed as well makes me feel like i'm not being restricted too much. i can't wait for my vodka redbull night with my best friend this saturday, along with one egg for breakfast (half the yolk only.. i can never actually bring myself to eat the entire yolk.. sad? maybe, but i can't do it, it feels way too bad) maybe just an egg white as usual, can't remember the last time i even had half a yolk anymore.. then an apple for lunch, and vodka redbulls for dinner! ahah, and if i really want a snack, some vodka gummy bears we're going to make. rather, just soak gummy bears in vodka after school friday, keep them soaking til we want them! and drink the leftover vodka of course, no waste!
so for now.. i'm doing better, i feel. yes i went over 900 cals today, but i feel good and optimistic about from now til my math exam, the 23rd. i can't wait to see the scale saturday/sunday morning (she has a scale thank god at her place) and see that i lost the fucking water weight gained during the outdoor ed trip, then again can't wait til my math exam! not for the math though, of course ahah
i feel positive about it this time! maybe that'll make the difference. every time i start something i'm in a bad place. and i always fail and feel awful again. the cycle restarts. so this time, i feel good, in a good place (i mean 'good' in terms of my life, i use the term loosely; just being honest) so maybe that will make the difference this time. can't wait skinny bitches! love!
anyway in regards to food.. i love perogies. so damn much. and luckily for me, for my body anyway, i can have them with no guilt - virtually none, anyway. pretty low calorie for such awesome things. and of course the lowest fat sour cream there is, and i have hardly more than two or so tablespoons. i still went over my limitations today, 900 cals, because for some reason my dad wasn't that hungry at dinner.. leaving me three extra perogies. ugh. he insisted i have them instead of them going in the fridge. yay. anyway i know it's better for weight loss to vary calorie intakes each day or so, so maybe 300 cals one day, 1100 cals another, and 700 cals another, etc.. i'm going to try that, if i can. maybe in july though. june i have another set plan for myself and i can already feel it being more successful! by writing down everything, like my new water goals, banned foods and foods that are still allowed, and ultimately the changes i've made, i feel good about it already. by writing what i can't have i feel it's more stable, and by writing what i am still allowed as well makes me feel like i'm not being restricted too much. i can't wait for my vodka redbull night with my best friend this saturday, along with one egg for breakfast (half the yolk only.. i can never actually bring myself to eat the entire yolk.. sad? maybe, but i can't do it, it feels way too bad) maybe just an egg white as usual, can't remember the last time i even had half a yolk anymore.. then an apple for lunch, and vodka redbulls for dinner! ahah, and if i really want a snack, some vodka gummy bears we're going to make. rather, just soak gummy bears in vodka after school friday, keep them soaking til we want them! and drink the leftover vodka of course, no waste!
so for now.. i'm doing better, i feel. yes i went over 900 cals today, but i feel good and optimistic about from now til my math exam, the 23rd. i can't wait to see the scale saturday/sunday morning (she has a scale thank god at her place) and see that i lost the fucking water weight gained during the outdoor ed trip, then again can't wait til my math exam! not for the math though, of course ahah
i feel positive about it this time! maybe that'll make the difference. every time i start something i'm in a bad place. and i always fail and feel awful again. the cycle restarts. so this time, i feel good, in a good place (i mean 'good' in terms of my life, i use the term loosely; just being honest) so maybe that will make the difference this time. can't wait skinny bitches! love!
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
shots
all i can think of lately is shots. in different meanings, too. my sister's going overseas to visit my mum (so jealous.. even though i spent a year there) and she has to get all these shots, vaccinations, to go there.. and the song shots has been brought up a couple times, and in fact i'm listening to it now. i want some goddamn vodka shots, stat. can't wait for vodka rebull night with my best friend lee (sugar free of course, only 14 cals per can!) with shots of course.
i wish i had posted sooner.. i know i was camping from last wednesday to saturday evening, but i don't like going on here at my house, even though i always clear internet history, and we had monday, yesterday, off for victoria day.. so here i am, tuesday, fat fat tuesday. i should have lost weight camping but somehow i didn'to much goddamn activity, canoeing and portaging all the time, and i barely ate.. i ate one small chicken breast, one small ziploc back of whole wheat spaghetti, and nothing else that i brought. i threw out everything else when i got home. speaking of which, i should empty that garbage tonight before someone does it for me.. anyway so that's all i ate that i brought. i had half a pita cucumber sandwich the first day before setting out in canoes but decided it was goiong bad already.. it was just warm actually but no one had to know. so i threw both those out and left the rest in my bag to whole time. and all the toher food i threw out as said. people kind of forced me to eat, teachers were on my case like crazy because of the work we had to do and the heat we had to endure.. i did get dehydrated, but because i usually have a couple litres of water a day whereas i only had like a litre or half a litre a day.. it was hot, too. and i didn't want to use the 'thunderbox' as much. just google that ahah so gross! anyway so i don't believe i consumed more calories than burned during that trip.. yet when i weighed myself when i got back, the next morning, i had gained 4 lbs, what the fuck fuck fuck. here's to going insane on my schedule til i'm back to at least my average of 98 lbs.. then to my first goal of 96 lbs. sigh. and at least i'm back to my fitness class!
i have to drop out of the competition.. for the best. i've failed miserably, inexplicably. i'm looking into the SBC (skinny bitch challenge) that i discovered on twitter - loving twitter now! joined saturday evening i believe, and discovered the SBC yesterday. looking into it today.. june something to july something. i can do it. i'm wearing shorts today and i feel fucking gross. never again til i know i can do it. also there's this girl i'm sure i've talked about who had ana about three years back.. i so want tot alk to her. just ask basic questions even. i've purposely walked by her locker a few times to find out the number.. i think i've got it. maybe. i'm thinking of leaving a note in it. no names of course.. just something. i have no idea what. if anyone has any ideas for me, that'd be great ahah i don't know what i want to say.. just something like 'i can relate to you' or 'i wish i could openly talk to you, i have so many questions..' and i always purposely make eye contact hoping she'll see something in my stare.. i'll keep trying that, and hopefully i'll think of somethign to write in that note.
revised food plan:
morning
630am-1200pm:
100 cals.
afternoon
1200pm-530pm:
200 cals.
evening
530pm-1100pm:
600 cals.
back to my average of 98 lbs by sunday morning. can? definitely.
break the 97 lbs barrier by exams? damn straight.
i wish i had posted sooner.. i know i was camping from last wednesday to saturday evening, but i don't like going on here at my house, even though i always clear internet history, and we had monday, yesterday, off for victoria day.. so here i am, tuesday, fat fat tuesday. i should have lost weight camping but somehow i didn'to much goddamn activity, canoeing and portaging all the time, and i barely ate.. i ate one small chicken breast, one small ziploc back of whole wheat spaghetti, and nothing else that i brought. i threw out everything else when i got home. speaking of which, i should empty that garbage tonight before someone does it for me.. anyway so that's all i ate that i brought. i had half a pita cucumber sandwich the first day before setting out in canoes but decided it was goiong bad already.. it was just warm actually but no one had to know. so i threw both those out and left the rest in my bag to whole time. and all the toher food i threw out as said. people kind of forced me to eat, teachers were on my case like crazy because of the work we had to do and the heat we had to endure.. i did get dehydrated, but because i usually have a couple litres of water a day whereas i only had like a litre or half a litre a day.. it was hot, too. and i didn't want to use the 'thunderbox' as much. just google that ahah so gross! anyway so i don't believe i consumed more calories than burned during that trip.. yet when i weighed myself when i got back, the next morning, i had gained 4 lbs, what the fuck fuck fuck. here's to going insane on my schedule til i'm back to at least my average of 98 lbs.. then to my first goal of 96 lbs. sigh. and at least i'm back to my fitness class!
i have to drop out of the competition.. for the best. i've failed miserably, inexplicably. i'm looking into the SBC (skinny bitch challenge) that i discovered on twitter - loving twitter now! joined saturday evening i believe, and discovered the SBC yesterday. looking into it today.. june something to july something. i can do it. i'm wearing shorts today and i feel fucking gross. never again til i know i can do it. also there's this girl i'm sure i've talked about who had ana about three years back.. i so want tot alk to her. just ask basic questions even. i've purposely walked by her locker a few times to find out the number.. i think i've got it. maybe. i'm thinking of leaving a note in it. no names of course.. just something. i have no idea what. if anyone has any ideas for me, that'd be great ahah i don't know what i want to say.. just something like 'i can relate to you' or 'i wish i could openly talk to you, i have so many questions..' and i always purposely make eye contact hoping she'll see something in my stare.. i'll keep trying that, and hopefully i'll think of somethign to write in that note.
revised food plan:
morning
630am-1200pm:
100 cals.
afternoon
1200pm-530pm:
200 cals.
evening
530pm-1100pm:
600 cals.
back to my average of 98 lbs by sunday morning. can? definitely.
break the 97 lbs barrier by exams? damn straight.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
slow motion
so i wish i could've posted sooner.. it's nearly been a week! i feel like the past week has gone by in slow motion.. i was never doing anything quick enough to make time to write. i was caught in a slow motion life, couldn't escape it to get back to reality, to here. i missed this. i thought about writing every day, but i never could. anyway i'll try to be optimistic about this.. kind of hard though 'cause i have to go camping. tomorrow. fuck. i did not like camping the last time i went with my outdoor ed class, and that was for only one night. this is now for three nights, four days. yay. i leave tomorrow, wednesday, morning at like 730.. then we get back home on saturday - yep, i miss part of my weekend - around 530.. so i miss most of my saturday and of course i'm going to want to shower and rest and whatever, not like i have any saturday left to do anything then. at the very least it's a long weekend.. and i don't miss the holiday! victoria day i do believe. so i get that at least to see my boyfriend, who i am going to miss so much! sigh..
everyone's been having really shitty days lately it seems, or what i've caught up on so far since logging on today, in the past week.. i wish all of you love and a smile; we all deserve a smile once in awhile, and we always give each other much needed love - for a world that's supposed to be so dark and warped, we have such supportive and (most of the time) positive people in it. it's wonderful. any of you can pick me up when i feel like i've fallen, and i'd always be happy to do the same for any of you.
so to shed the little positivity i can on my life, about the camping, it is loads of exercise! like really we're constantly being active. if we're not canoeing or portaging the canoes, we're setting up camp, taking it down, getting set for the canoeing/portaging ahead, preparing to cook food, cooking food, campfire activities, etc. and we have 'food groups' like before so in those groups we make a meal plan for the the meals we're camping during and decide who brings what etc. my group likes meat, and yay for vegetarian! never realised how perfect an excuse vegetarianism is for everything, like i made my own personal meal plan and am bringing my own food stuff for myself.. so all healthy! no one in the class cares too much about healthy food, quality of food. they all plan on living off of like kraft dinner, instant noodles, reheated pizza, and id ont' know what else. so i'm having pitas for lunch each day, stuffed with vegetables for the first day so they don't go bad, then hummus for the next and peanut butter, those two to keep up protein to keep me full and fueled for the activity levels. i'm making my own trailmix too, with fibre1 cereal (soo good!) and unsalted almonds and yogurt covered raisins and cranberries. i have other snacks like crystal light, 'cause my god we'll be drinking loads of water - and it takes so much energy to get a bottle (we have to filter it through a pump ourselves) so i burn calories just getting water! how perfect is that? and snacks like green tea too. and breakfasts are like apples, those carnation instant breakfasts (vanilla, to mix with hopefully instant coffe - it tastes good with normal coffee - or if i don't have that, then just water. i'll deal) and then dinners are some whole wheat pasta with plain grilled chicken breasts. so i eat healthily, and exercise like crazy.. i'll calculate tonight what the calories will be each day, bwecause most likely i'll be burning way more than eating. so i'm trying to look at this trip as a bootcamp for weight loss. i'll weigh myself (hopefully i can) in the morning before i leave and then the night i get back as well as the morning after i get back, and hopefully see the difference and hopefully love it. i can't wait to break the goddamn 97 lbs barrier. it is happening by sunday. i've broken out of the slow motion life i was caught in for the past week, and now i'm going full speed and more to catch up for the time lost. i'm so excited for sunday! but, for now, i have to study for a math test i have today.. ugh. i am still so excited to see a brand new number on the scale!
hoping everyone has an awesome week to make up for the past week!
everyone's been having really shitty days lately it seems, or what i've caught up on so far since logging on today, in the past week.. i wish all of you love and a smile; we all deserve a smile once in awhile, and we always give each other much needed love - for a world that's supposed to be so dark and warped, we have such supportive and (most of the time) positive people in it. it's wonderful. any of you can pick me up when i feel like i've fallen, and i'd always be happy to do the same for any of you.
so to shed the little positivity i can on my life, about the camping, it is loads of exercise! like really we're constantly being active. if we're not canoeing or portaging the canoes, we're setting up camp, taking it down, getting set for the canoeing/portaging ahead, preparing to cook food, cooking food, campfire activities, etc. and we have 'food groups' like before so in those groups we make a meal plan for the the meals we're camping during and decide who brings what etc. my group likes meat, and yay for vegetarian! never realised how perfect an excuse vegetarianism is for everything, like i made my own personal meal plan and am bringing my own food stuff for myself.. so all healthy! no one in the class cares too much about healthy food, quality of food. they all plan on living off of like kraft dinner, instant noodles, reheated pizza, and id ont' know what else. so i'm having pitas for lunch each day, stuffed with vegetables for the first day so they don't go bad, then hummus for the next and peanut butter, those two to keep up protein to keep me full and fueled for the activity levels. i'm making my own trailmix too, with fibre1 cereal (soo good!) and unsalted almonds and yogurt covered raisins and cranberries. i have other snacks like crystal light, 'cause my god we'll be drinking loads of water - and it takes so much energy to get a bottle (we have to filter it through a pump ourselves) so i burn calories just getting water! how perfect is that? and snacks like green tea too. and breakfasts are like apples, those carnation instant breakfasts (vanilla, to mix with hopefully instant coffe - it tastes good with normal coffee - or if i don't have that, then just water. i'll deal) and then dinners are some whole wheat pasta with plain grilled chicken breasts. so i eat healthily, and exercise like crazy.. i'll calculate tonight what the calories will be each day, bwecause most likely i'll be burning way more than eating. so i'm trying to look at this trip as a bootcamp for weight loss. i'll weigh myself (hopefully i can) in the morning before i leave and then the night i get back as well as the morning after i get back, and hopefully see the difference and hopefully love it. i can't wait to break the goddamn 97 lbs barrier. it is happening by sunday. i've broken out of the slow motion life i was caught in for the past week, and now i'm going full speed and more to catch up for the time lost. i'm so excited for sunday! but, for now, i have to study for a math test i have today.. ugh. i am still so excited to see a brand new number on the scale!
hoping everyone has an awesome week to make up for the past week!
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
we r who we r
ke$ha makes sense. we are who we are, i am who i am. i wish people would stop trying to change that.
people keep trying to convince me to quit being vegetarian, because 'red meat is soo good' and you know why? because it has loads of fat. deiliciously fattening, unhealthy fat. now, my daddy supports it, and even brought salmon for me last night when my sister had dinner with him and my nanny (his mum), beacuse my nanny made homemade hamburgers (they were always amazing.. they smelled amazing too yesterday) so my daddy brought me salmon. he thinks it'll be beneficial for me, because of my other random health issues. well except my iron deficiency, it's kind of counterintuitive for that ahah oh well i take iron supplements it doesn't matter. but the whole dinner my sister was being playful, teasing me about how good they were.. she thinks i'm being ridiculous. she's never cared like i've cared about food, so i don't exepct her to understand, and i don't expect for me to ever even try to explain. people just hink i'm being stupid. like do they expect me to say something like 'well i'm terribly sorry for being a vegetarian, guys, really, i had no idea it was such an offence!' because that's not going to happen. then people think i'm stupid with counting calories (uhh, have they looked in the mirror lately? just counting them would make them much smarter about choices) and how i exercise regularly, like really? i can't even exercise more than twice a week or something without people being on my case? and then there's whatever the hell else i do that seems to bother people. i am being healthy. they just don't care about their bodies. as much as i care about mine.
so yesterday i won't even go into the details of my food. i will not. i've already confessed it to my boyfriend (who, stupidly, is happy that i ate worse than usual) and my sister, wel because she was with me the whole time, she saw it too and ate the same (except my salmon dinner was healthier) so i do not want to get into it yet again. i've already eaten my junk food for the day, the rest of the day will be under 800 cals now because well to be honest the angel food cake i had this morning (unusually good dunked in coffee i discovered) is probably more than 100 cals.. but i haven't been really sticking to 900 cals obviously, too many things in the way (families can be a huge burden sometimes, and boyfriends), so i figure 800 cals is reasonable for the day now, then 900 cals tomorrow seeing as i've joined a competition on another girl's blog, http://americaneaglelove-missionbeauty.blogspot.com/, so it'll really motivate me! i am the most competitive girl i know, as said in my last posted comment on her last blog post. so i can't wait to break my goddamn 97 lbs barrier. i know it's more like a plateau, except i kind of vary from 97 lbs to 99 lbs throughout weeks, so i'm never really stuck there, as much as it's just the lowest i've been and can't seem to get past it. so i'm off to go get changed for fitness, love spares right after fitness when we go to the gym! here's to burning 1100 cals again! and here's tp hopefully not feeling like i'll throw up from the exercise.. or maybe hopefully i do, hah.
people keep trying to convince me to quit being vegetarian, because 'red meat is soo good' and you know why? because it has loads of fat. deiliciously fattening, unhealthy fat. now, my daddy supports it, and even brought salmon for me last night when my sister had dinner with him and my nanny (his mum), beacuse my nanny made homemade hamburgers (they were always amazing.. they smelled amazing too yesterday) so my daddy brought me salmon. he thinks it'll be beneficial for me, because of my other random health issues. well except my iron deficiency, it's kind of counterintuitive for that ahah oh well i take iron supplements it doesn't matter. but the whole dinner my sister was being playful, teasing me about how good they were.. she thinks i'm being ridiculous. she's never cared like i've cared about food, so i don't exepct her to understand, and i don't expect for me to ever even try to explain. people just hink i'm being stupid. like do they expect me to say something like 'well i'm terribly sorry for being a vegetarian, guys, really, i had no idea it was such an offence!' because that's not going to happen. then people think i'm stupid with counting calories (uhh, have they looked in the mirror lately? just counting them would make them much smarter about choices) and how i exercise regularly, like really? i can't even exercise more than twice a week or something without people being on my case? and then there's whatever the hell else i do that seems to bother people. i am being healthy. they just don't care about their bodies. as much as i care about mine.
so yesterday i won't even go into the details of my food. i will not. i've already confessed it to my boyfriend (who, stupidly, is happy that i ate worse than usual) and my sister, wel because she was with me the whole time, she saw it too and ate the same (except my salmon dinner was healthier) so i do not want to get into it yet again. i've already eaten my junk food for the day, the rest of the day will be under 800 cals now because well to be honest the angel food cake i had this morning (unusually good dunked in coffee i discovered) is probably more than 100 cals.. but i haven't been really sticking to 900 cals obviously, too many things in the way (families can be a huge burden sometimes, and boyfriends), so i figure 800 cals is reasonable for the day now, then 900 cals tomorrow seeing as i've joined a competition on another girl's blog, http://americaneaglelove-missionbeauty.blogspot.com/, so it'll really motivate me! i am the most competitive girl i know, as said in my last posted comment on her last blog post. so i can't wait to break my goddamn 97 lbs barrier. i know it's more like a plateau, except i kind of vary from 97 lbs to 99 lbs throughout weeks, so i'm never really stuck there, as much as it's just the lowest i've been and can't seem to get past it. so i'm off to go get changed for fitness, love spares right after fitness when we go to the gym! here's to burning 1100 cals again! and here's tp hopefully not feeling like i'll throw up from the exercise.. or maybe hopefully i do, hah.
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
freeze ray
haven't posted in awhile.. feel like i shouldn't be able to anymore, i don't know what's going on. usually when i'm in a bad place with my boyfriend i don't really eat because of it, more like the opposite, but yesterday i ate like fuck. cookies. a box. president's choice 'the decadent' chocolate chip cookies. best ever. a fucking box. not alone, but i definitely had at least two thirds of the thing. fuck. in a meager attempt to look at this in some slightly good way, i ate well the rest of the day and started the first day of me staying extra late at the gym when we go in fitness class (gotta love spares after fitness) and burned a total of about 1100 cals. and i was so good, breakfast, lunch, dinner.. then the cookies. it was so good til then. and my boyfriend and i are started to be affected, it seems, by my calorie counting and whatever.. like usually he'll just say he doesn't want to hear it and it gets all quiet, awkward, whatever, but changes quick enough, because we don't fight, he just doesn't want to hear me talking about calories all the time.. which is understandable but i really don't. he just thinks every time i do, it's like 24/7 which is definitely not true. he just doesn't want to hear it. then yesterday during math class he decided to start taling me about carbs and fat, differences between them, whatever, because i don't really look at fat in things, nor do i care, because ultimately it is calories in and calories out that result in weight loss or gain, so i focus on that so it's easier on me, and hey it's been working for me. so he started and i wasn't mad, i just said like i don't really care, it's not that important to me, and he got kind of irritated saying it is important etc and i mean we were in the middle of a math lesson, and he's doing way better than me, i needed to listen more than him (yet when i have something to say he's all 'shh, listen') and i just said that i didn't really care, because it doesn't matter.. so he started getting more irritated then got mad at me, unprovoked, saying that it does matter for me, etc, so i just said like i don't want to hear it, i want to do math, like my method has been working great for me, leave it. and he wouldn't of course. so then i wouldn't talk and he got really mad at me just saying 'whatever' a lot, which he knows i can't stand, and saying 'fine, get all moody like that, i don't give a shit'.. when he said that, we were walking back to his place, and i was already crying at this point because he can get really condescending and raises his voice and takes on such an angry tone without even realising it and it always makes me cry.. (when people get that mad at me, i can't help myself, my body just cries) so when he said that, i just stopped and turned around and started walking the opposite direction, and i would not look back. i stopped behind some trees and just stood there and cried.. scoped him out just walking along alone, and that i know of, he didn't look back either. also i started my period two days early, late sunday night, so i was pissed at that and clearly in a bad time of the month to argue. don't mean to ramble.. i just need to get this out. maybe i won't binge like that again if i do. because i had no one to tell.. i did end up walking over, we texted a bit, and ultimately i asked him if i should stay where i was or go over. he said to come over. mind you he still hasn't asked where i was.. i was in a damn tree, he probably thoguht i had walked to someone's house but if he would think for once before saying something he would know that either of my best friends' houses were too far to go to, especially if i got to his place under an hour after i walked away. i mentioned the phrase 'where i am' or 'here' vaguely many times and he never once seemed to care. he had no idea where i was. and these pothead freshman in my school called me over and i had nothing to do so i went over and talked to them for a bit (i didn't like them) and they were getting weed around there or something and they kept asking me if i wanted any and i kept saying no (boyfriend and i have a promise) but i wanted to just to spite the dumbass.. but i never would have. so i made an excuse and left them, they were bothering me and starting smoking up like right in front of my face, oblivious freshman, so i left. i did not like them. so i went to his place and it was super awkward. didn't really talk at all. and he offered me pretzels i said no (i barely even like those!) and he rolled his eyes, huffed, and said oh of course, too much carbs for you. i was mad. so i stared at him, and ate some, to shut him up. i won't let him do that again, any of that, it was stupid. sure we both had a part to play, not denying that, but he really didn't have to raise his voice and change his tone and all that. i never did.
anyway.. just about the last few days and such, yeah i've felt like shit, and i dont' feel like talking about it, and i don't have morning stomach (blame the binge) and it just growled, yay, but it's still not flat and i don't feel hungry, it just growled.. still a nice feeling.. and i threw out the bad stuff in my lunch leaving only the cucumbers and celery and apple which'll be my breakfast as soon as i'm done this, then hopefully go for a jog or soemthing before fitness.. hate tuesdays and thursdays, how we play gmaes or whatever, i much rather go to the gym all the time. who cares about 'resting days' (hah, yeah, my boyfriend would like to hear me say that..) so today we're doing basics of lacrosse for no real reason. just that everyone has to teach one class (i already did ages ago, first group to present - did badminton, love it) so that's the only reason. we won't even get to move around much. dinner with my nanny (biological father's mum) and my daddy (biological father) and my sister, they'll have barbecue as we always do when we're together, and my daddy's going to bring his m&m meat shop's salmon for me. love having an excuse not to eat that fatty meat with cheese and all else. so i better be good today. my limit is 900 cals. i can't forget that. five days in a row of that limit and i'll see if it does a single thing for me, even just feeling somewhat accomplished, because it's like someone freezed the scale at 97 lbs, because it doesn't seem to go lower than that.
i feel really fucking nauseous.
brief overview of my closest family, may be confusing:
daddy: biological father, divorced when i was a year old.
dad: ex step father, married when i was young, divorced three or so years ago living with him this year.
mum: self explanatory, though she's away this year, i live with her all other times.
nanny ja.: mother's mum, lives next door to me
nanny jo.: daddy's mum.
grandma sylvia: dad's mum.
sister: self explanatory. moved home recently for the summer, she's in uni now, done her first year.
aunt karin: my daddy' sister, my nanny jo.'s daughter. she was adopted.
uncle pierre: married to my aunt k.
uncle perry: dad's brother.
aunt michelle: married to uncle pe.
cousin sam: uncle p and aunt m's son.
uncle andrew: mum's brother.
aunt barb: my mum's sister.
uncle eric: married to aunt b.
cousins char, chels, em: daughters of my aunt b and uncle e.
uncle chris: my daddy's brotehr, lives in florida. had an aunt and they had kids, they divorced, he remarried.
cousins carter and clinton: uncle c's kids.
anyway.. just about the last few days and such, yeah i've felt like shit, and i dont' feel like talking about it, and i don't have morning stomach (blame the binge) and it just growled, yay, but it's still not flat and i don't feel hungry, it just growled.. still a nice feeling.. and i threw out the bad stuff in my lunch leaving only the cucumbers and celery and apple which'll be my breakfast as soon as i'm done this, then hopefully go for a jog or soemthing before fitness.. hate tuesdays and thursdays, how we play gmaes or whatever, i much rather go to the gym all the time. who cares about 'resting days' (hah, yeah, my boyfriend would like to hear me say that..) so today we're doing basics of lacrosse for no real reason. just that everyone has to teach one class (i already did ages ago, first group to present - did badminton, love it) so that's the only reason. we won't even get to move around much. dinner with my nanny (biological father's mum) and my daddy (biological father) and my sister, they'll have barbecue as we always do when we're together, and my daddy's going to bring his m&m meat shop's salmon for me. love having an excuse not to eat that fatty meat with cheese and all else. so i better be good today. my limit is 900 cals. i can't forget that. five days in a row of that limit and i'll see if it does a single thing for me, even just feeling somewhat accomplished, because it's like someone freezed the scale at 97 lbs, because it doesn't seem to go lower than that.
i feel really fucking nauseous.
brief overview of my closest family, may be confusing:
daddy: biological father, divorced when i was a year old.
dad: ex step father, married when i was young, divorced three or so years ago living with him this year.
mum: self explanatory, though she's away this year, i live with her all other times.
nanny ja.: mother's mum, lives next door to me
nanny jo.: daddy's mum.
grandma sylvia: dad's mum.
sister: self explanatory. moved home recently for the summer, she's in uni now, done her first year.
aunt karin: my daddy' sister, my nanny jo.'s daughter. she was adopted.
uncle pierre: married to my aunt k.
uncle perry: dad's brother.
aunt michelle: married to uncle pe.
cousin sam: uncle p and aunt m's son.
uncle andrew: mum's brother.
aunt barb: my mum's sister.
uncle eric: married to aunt b.
cousins char, chels, em: daughters of my aunt b and uncle e.
uncle chris: my daddy's brotehr, lives in florida. had an aunt and they had kids, they divorced, he remarried.
cousins carter and clinton: uncle c's kids.
Thursday, May 05, 2011
i'm having a bad day
so i'm back from a one night camping trip, and it was awful. rainy, wet, cold.. not too much moving even. it was bad. my feet got soaked instantly getting to our campsite because the bus dropped us off at the wrong place, and my neck and shoulders hurt right off the bat because the girls decided as we got off the bus that i had more room than them in my pack (i did, like it's one night, what the hell did they pack that i didn't have?) so surprise, i got to carry it. i didn't get to properly pack it of course, everyone had started walking, so it was awkwardly positioned and not entirely in the pack and sideways and ah. uncomfortable. painful. and i'm pretty weak to begin with. so anyway without wasting a lot of time and going into a lot more detail about it, it was awful, i don't like camping, it was cold, and wet, and i was starving.
yep. i binged like fucking mad. i didn't bring much food 'cause i never eat much, especially during the day.. but for some reason i wanted to, and did, eat everything in sight. fuck. don't know what came over me. so yesterday and today, i've been bingeing like mad. i'm going to eat dinner and whatever tonight then starting a weekend fast! friday saturday sunday. monday too if i can wrangle it. won't be hard, i'll still have goddamn food in me from wednesday to keep me going for the whole weekend! now saturday won't be a perfect fast. i will be eating sushi with my best friend, staying at her place which means lots of black coffee and diet coke, yay, but we already planned to go to 1000 sushi islands, an all you can eat sushi place close enough to her place which means some good walking there and back as well, and i can't back out of that.. she's not perfect with eating either. she doesn't have an ED, but she has shown some mia tendencies.. rarely, but she has. mostly when she's drunk, she makes herself, but not to sober up or anything, but because she eats shit food when she's drunk and wants it out. she's done it sober too but not much at all.. anyway i can really rely on her to keep my secret, actually she keeps all my secrets no matter what (even though she hid my boyfriend's secret for that whole time.. she never tells my secrets though) and she also somewhat understands. so she won't mind if i don't eat much sushi or whatever and don't eat dinner. i have calorie content of the sushi i like on my phone, so i'll order those only and make sure to stay under 300 cals there, and if she wants to go to starbucks, well i got the names of and calorie contents of all the drinks i'd consider having now that i know the calories.. all under 100 cals. some in smalls, some talls, and i think even a grande or two. so if she wants to go or suggests it, i'll go and get a 60 cals one or something, like a tall nonfat cappuccino, if i want something hot, or one that's 0 cals even if i want something cold, the shaken tazo tea, iced passion, unsweetened. (the link's info is for sweetened, but in an article on the site 'delicious drinks under 200 calories' says 0 cals for usnweetened) and i told her i had a list of the drinks under 100 cals, however small, all the good ones are on it, and she was really happy with that even. so i'm looking forward to this fast. camping fucking sucks and made me insanely hungry and gross and fat.
so i'm going to go continue this fat fest and eat dinner. then i might go walk to the corner and grab the new cosmo, or the last two new ones as i don't think i got either of them sadly.. and i think i'll grab a coke zero for tomorrow, if i'm going to fast i need my coke zero - been saving my last mini can just for this occasion. then i'm going to go to bed with my cosmos knowing i had enough calories to fuel me for the whole weekend, exercise and all. fuck camping.
yep. i binged like fucking mad. i didn't bring much food 'cause i never eat much, especially during the day.. but for some reason i wanted to, and did, eat everything in sight. fuck. don't know what came over me. so yesterday and today, i've been bingeing like mad. i'm going to eat dinner and whatever tonight then starting a weekend fast! friday saturday sunday. monday too if i can wrangle it. won't be hard, i'll still have goddamn food in me from wednesday to keep me going for the whole weekend! now saturday won't be a perfect fast. i will be eating sushi with my best friend, staying at her place which means lots of black coffee and diet coke, yay, but we already planned to go to 1000 sushi islands, an all you can eat sushi place close enough to her place which means some good walking there and back as well, and i can't back out of that.. she's not perfect with eating either. she doesn't have an ED, but she has shown some mia tendencies.. rarely, but she has. mostly when she's drunk, she makes herself, but not to sober up or anything, but because she eats shit food when she's drunk and wants it out. she's done it sober too but not much at all.. anyway i can really rely on her to keep my secret, actually she keeps all my secrets no matter what (even though she hid my boyfriend's secret for that whole time.. she never tells my secrets though) and she also somewhat understands. so she won't mind if i don't eat much sushi or whatever and don't eat dinner. i have calorie content of the sushi i like on my phone, so i'll order those only and make sure to stay under 300 cals there, and if she wants to go to starbucks, well i got the names of and calorie contents of all the drinks i'd consider having now that i know the calories.. all under 100 cals. some in smalls, some talls, and i think even a grande or two. so if she wants to go or suggests it, i'll go and get a 60 cals one or something, like a tall nonfat cappuccino, if i want something hot, or one that's 0 cals even if i want something cold, the shaken tazo tea, iced passion, unsweetened. (the link's info is for sweetened, but in an article on the site 'delicious drinks under 200 calories' says 0 cals for usnweetened) and i told her i had a list of the drinks under 100 cals, however small, all the good ones are on it, and she was really happy with that even. so i'm looking forward to this fast. camping fucking sucks and made me insanely hungry and gross and fat.
so i'm going to go continue this fat fest and eat dinner. then i might go walk to the corner and grab the new cosmo, or the last two new ones as i don't think i got either of them sadly.. and i think i'll grab a coke zero for tomorrow, if i'm going to fast i need my coke zero - been saving my last mini can just for this occasion. then i'm going to go to bed with my cosmos knowing i had enough calories to fuel me for the whole weekend, exercise and all. fuck camping.
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
giving in
and coming out stronger.
yesterday, tuesday, i don't know what the hell happened.. next thing i know i was eating everything like mad - not frantically or anyhitng, just a damn lot over the day. what the hell! my sister even left a bag of easter chocolate on my counter that she had left over and said it was for me because i didn't really get an easter - i had more than enough that one night thanks - and i was eating it and eating it and eating it.. another damn lindt gold bunny. that chocolate is just such high quality.. well, i have a new red bracelet with a bell! this one to remind me how awful i felt and how sore my stomach was after that day. going camping tonight with my outdoor ed class, we leave at 1230, so end of lunch basically.. already threw out some of my lunch, because, drum roll please, i decided for the first time to fast! camping should be easy, it's just a one nighter, somewhere pretty close too. a lot of activity, then dinner and the campfire will be the challenge. then breakfast it will be odd to my 'food group' but hey i brought the instant coffee i'll just have more than one cup. now when i say i'm going to fast, i have some different views or ideas.. i can't not eat breakfast. i never ever used to but really it's one of the best things i did for me and my weight loss. i can have one apple a day, so in the morning, an hour or so after i get up. also, i am allowed my crystal light, still just a packet a day, so 10 cals only, then 60 cals for the apple.. i am also allowed celery, as much as i like, but that's it, that's all. i'm doing this today and tomorrow only though, it is actually impossible at my boyfriend's house, which is where i'll be friday evening of course. though he does have soccer that night, a game, that i'm going to watch, so hopefully if i'm lucky he'll eat a really early dinner before we go and i don't have to eat anything. today works, camping and whatever, but i may have some trail mix.. no chocolate in it! just nuts, unsalted too. worst comes to worst i'll have some trail mix tonight. then tomorrow, as much coffee as i can have in the morning, then we're doing activities all day til we get back to school at 1230 once again just after lunch, so i wno't be pressured to eat there, and i'll just rest on the bus and pretend i'm too tired and don't feel like eating. then when i get home i'll just shower, do missed homework, and pretend i'm absolutely exhausted, and go to bed. even if i don't actually fall sleep, i won't have to eat dinner with my family. friday, i'll do the same during the day, but see whathappens with my boyfrined's soccer and all. saturday, i've got a good plan too. i'm going to have a sleepover at my best friend's house, and they always have coffee on - so we'll make a full pot, probably have to make another one after that, and that's what i'll have. an apple for breakfast, and i'll just waste time before i can get a drive over. their dinner, i'll just say i had too much coffee and feel really sick, and eating does not sound appealing to my stomach. we never really eat with her family anyway. also we were planning on going for sushi, so we could walk there (yay exercise) and back, and i even have calorie content of the sushi rolls i like saved in a ntoe on my phone to have with me at all times til i memorise them, so i'll stay under 500 cals. and if we do that, at dinner i'll say i ate too much sushi and am still full. they also always have diet coke, not my coke zero but hey it's still great, so extra caffeine and still 0 cals. this is turning into an awesome plan. even if friday fails, i have saturday to back me up - she also never has anything really to eat in her place, seriously. it's great. alright i better quit while i'm ahead here, dont' want to make too many plans that i won't be able to keep! as for now, my stomach is growling so loudly i'm surprised people around me aren't staring at me, and i'm going to go to starbuck's site to determine best coffee drinks (one of my weaknesses) that are safe for me, so i still get them, and if i'm out with people they won't think i never eat, i'll get starbucks, they'll assume it's all sugary and high cal. only i'll know the real calorie content, and i like that.
i'm liking this.
yesterday, tuesday, i don't know what the hell happened.. next thing i know i was eating everything like mad - not frantically or anyhitng, just a damn lot over the day. what the hell! my sister even left a bag of easter chocolate on my counter that she had left over and said it was for me because i didn't really get an easter - i had more than enough that one night thanks - and i was eating it and eating it and eating it.. another damn lindt gold bunny. that chocolate is just such high quality.. well, i have a new red bracelet with a bell! this one to remind me how awful i felt and how sore my stomach was after that day. going camping tonight with my outdoor ed class, we leave at 1230, so end of lunch basically.. already threw out some of my lunch, because, drum roll please, i decided for the first time to fast! camping should be easy, it's just a one nighter, somewhere pretty close too. a lot of activity, then dinner and the campfire will be the challenge. then breakfast it will be odd to my 'food group' but hey i brought the instant coffee i'll just have more than one cup. now when i say i'm going to fast, i have some different views or ideas.. i can't not eat breakfast. i never ever used to but really it's one of the best things i did for me and my weight loss. i can have one apple a day, so in the morning, an hour or so after i get up. also, i am allowed my crystal light, still just a packet a day, so 10 cals only, then 60 cals for the apple.. i am also allowed celery, as much as i like, but that's it, that's all. i'm doing this today and tomorrow only though, it is actually impossible at my boyfriend's house, which is where i'll be friday evening of course. though he does have soccer that night, a game, that i'm going to watch, so hopefully if i'm lucky he'll eat a really early dinner before we go and i don't have to eat anything. today works, camping and whatever, but i may have some trail mix.. no chocolate in it! just nuts, unsalted too. worst comes to worst i'll have some trail mix tonight. then tomorrow, as much coffee as i can have in the morning, then we're doing activities all day til we get back to school at 1230 once again just after lunch, so i wno't be pressured to eat there, and i'll just rest on the bus and pretend i'm too tired and don't feel like eating. then when i get home i'll just shower, do missed homework, and pretend i'm absolutely exhausted, and go to bed. even if i don't actually fall sleep, i won't have to eat dinner with my family. friday, i'll do the same during the day, but see whathappens with my boyfrined's soccer and all. saturday, i've got a good plan too. i'm going to have a sleepover at my best friend's house, and they always have coffee on - so we'll make a full pot, probably have to make another one after that, and that's what i'll have. an apple for breakfast, and i'll just waste time before i can get a drive over. their dinner, i'll just say i had too much coffee and feel really sick, and eating does not sound appealing to my stomach. we never really eat with her family anyway. also we were planning on going for sushi, so we could walk there (yay exercise) and back, and i even have calorie content of the sushi rolls i like saved in a ntoe on my phone to have with me at all times til i memorise them, so i'll stay under 500 cals. and if we do that, at dinner i'll say i ate too much sushi and am still full. they also always have diet coke, not my coke zero but hey it's still great, so extra caffeine and still 0 cals. this is turning into an awesome plan. even if friday fails, i have saturday to back me up - she also never has anything really to eat in her place, seriously. it's great. alright i better quit while i'm ahead here, dont' want to make too many plans that i won't be able to keep! as for now, my stomach is growling so loudly i'm surprised people around me aren't staring at me, and i'm going to go to starbuck's site to determine best coffee drinks (one of my weaknesses) that are safe for me, so i still get them, and if i'm out with people they won't think i never eat, i'll get starbucks, they'll assume it's all sugary and high cal. only i'll know the real calorie content, and i like that.
i'm liking this.
Tuesday, May 03, 2011
ruled by secrecy
i wish i could just tell people to stop offering me food, stop making me eat, to just stop.
yep i feel gross. it seems that whenever i decide to be more determined and steadfast, people can sense it and make comments and make me eat loads more than they usually feed me. at dinner at my boyfriend's last night they were having chicken alfredo - yeah i went back to chicken and fish, i realised the filling protein and lean chicken breast is good for me, it's the red meat that's dangerous and fatty, so none of that ever - and garlic bread. they know i'm really good at the garlic bread, with homemade garlic butter and all, and i always help out cooking, so i was the one making the bread. usually i watch the chicken, no harm there. but i was on bread. so my boyfriend put parmesan on them before putting them in the oven and i didn't want any, so he left it off of mine, and i absolutely love garlic so i put a little extra garlic on my two smaller ones. then they coem out of the oven and he's left FOUR for me. FOUR. not smaller ones either. and yeah i ate them all. then his mum was doling out the alfredo and after one scoop i said 'oh that's fine', but she put another on and said 'what?' and i said 'oh well that's enough' yet she put ANOTHER scoop on saying 'oh you'll eat more than that'.. really? why thank you.. then later in the evening my sister's boyfriend picked me up and we were off to pick her up as she just drove in with my other nanny (grandma) from her mini vacaction of five days visiting our family in florida. she's moved back in for the summer. and we sued to go on timmies runs, to tim hortons late at night, last summer.. so he wanted to do it with us. she had already had timmies that day driving from florida, but i hadn't so i said just a small plain glazed donut (all sugar, sure, but least amount of cals on the menu) then my sister just stared at me, and asked '..and what to drink?' i said just an iced coffee, low cal, but they said they were out, of course, so i had a small iced capp. disappointed. i tried to offer bites or sips but they both denied all of them. somehow weight came up in my conversation with him on the way to get my sister, talking about drinking and tolerance, how my sister weighs more than me and is shorter than me, and i have more of a tolerance than her (well hell i drink a lot more than she ever has and she's older) and he said well she's only like 105 lbs, and i stupidly said without thinking, 'so? i'm like 97 lbs' and he just thought that was weird, and said it was like super skinny, and made a small comment joke a few minutes after about me being like an anorexic weight.. which is so not true yet, no i'm not, i'm only in the high nineties..
so it's like these people have a damn sixth sense as to when i'm in 'danger' of losing weight or whatever. good for them, i guess. awful for me. i'm still going to try really hard though it will be more difficult with this sixth sense.. as for my sister living with me for the summer, this could be extremely detrimental or beneficial to me. she loves junk and doesn't care about weight like i care, and she's really not that much heavier but she's shorter than me, she's like 5'1" so a noticeable difference. so her loving food and junk is good and bad. good, because at dinner and whatever she'll always take the seconds or more than me, making my portions smaller, but bad because my dad and i may have to start buying more groceries, cooking more.. also the junk, whenever my dad gets me a 'treat', well now it'll be for both of us, and she'll eat more than me or i'll let her take it all, whatever. but it's bad because she might get her own junk and share it with me, like haagen dazs, chips, etc.. she has a job and a sweet tooth, a lot of money in the bank for her age and for a first year uni student, and she will get junk. and late night timmies. i'm going to need to work a lot out.
yay for may. fuck.
yep i feel gross. it seems that whenever i decide to be more determined and steadfast, people can sense it and make comments and make me eat loads more than they usually feed me. at dinner at my boyfriend's last night they were having chicken alfredo - yeah i went back to chicken and fish, i realised the filling protein and lean chicken breast is good for me, it's the red meat that's dangerous and fatty, so none of that ever - and garlic bread. they know i'm really good at the garlic bread, with homemade garlic butter and all, and i always help out cooking, so i was the one making the bread. usually i watch the chicken, no harm there. but i was on bread. so my boyfriend put parmesan on them before putting them in the oven and i didn't want any, so he left it off of mine, and i absolutely love garlic so i put a little extra garlic on my two smaller ones. then they coem out of the oven and he's left FOUR for me. FOUR. not smaller ones either. and yeah i ate them all. then his mum was doling out the alfredo and after one scoop i said 'oh that's fine', but she put another on and said 'what?' and i said 'oh well that's enough' yet she put ANOTHER scoop on saying 'oh you'll eat more than that'.. really? why thank you.. then later in the evening my sister's boyfriend picked me up and we were off to pick her up as she just drove in with my other nanny (grandma) from her mini vacaction of five days visiting our family in florida. she's moved back in for the summer. and we sued to go on timmies runs, to tim hortons late at night, last summer.. so he wanted to do it with us. she had already had timmies that day driving from florida, but i hadn't so i said just a small plain glazed donut (all sugar, sure, but least amount of cals on the menu) then my sister just stared at me, and asked '..and what to drink?' i said just an iced coffee, low cal, but they said they were out, of course, so i had a small iced capp. disappointed. i tried to offer bites or sips but they both denied all of them. somehow weight came up in my conversation with him on the way to get my sister, talking about drinking and tolerance, how my sister weighs more than me and is shorter than me, and i have more of a tolerance than her (well hell i drink a lot more than she ever has and she's older) and he said well she's only like 105 lbs, and i stupidly said without thinking, 'so? i'm like 97 lbs' and he just thought that was weird, and said it was like super skinny, and made a small comment joke a few minutes after about me being like an anorexic weight.. which is so not true yet, no i'm not, i'm only in the high nineties..
so it's like these people have a damn sixth sense as to when i'm in 'danger' of losing weight or whatever. good for them, i guess. awful for me. i'm still going to try really hard though it will be more difficult with this sixth sense.. as for my sister living with me for the summer, this could be extremely detrimental or beneficial to me. she loves junk and doesn't care about weight like i care, and she's really not that much heavier but she's shorter than me, she's like 5'1" so a noticeable difference. so her loving food and junk is good and bad. good, because at dinner and whatever she'll always take the seconds or more than me, making my portions smaller, but bad because my dad and i may have to start buying more groceries, cooking more.. also the junk, whenever my dad gets me a 'treat', well now it'll be for both of us, and she'll eat more than me or i'll let her take it all, whatever. but it's bad because she might get her own junk and share it with me, like haagen dazs, chips, etc.. she has a job and a sweet tooth, a lot of money in the bank for her age and for a first year uni student, and she will get junk. and late night timmies. i'm going to need to work a lot out.
yay for may. fuck.
new
i am once again obsessing over the internet, scouring for any small distraction i can find. this onyl happens on weekends, and nto ofte anymore, but when it happens, i'm on there for hours - watching tv shows, maybe movies, updating myself on postsecret, cosmopolitan online, cyanide&happiness, then various random sites that just seem to keep popping up. now last semester while 'working' in the library's lab for my anthro summative, i saw a book in the library called 'eat this, not that' and flipped through and saw it had a site, http://www.eatthis.com/.. i spent all work periods in the lab on that site, looking at the disgusting food that exists, and healthiest and worst foods, how to make good decisions in restaurants, etc. so once again i can't log in to my blog at school in that same lab, for whatever reason.. hopefully it'll pass again, so i am writing this in an email to myself on monday, may second, and i thought of running maybe outside before my fitness class, squeeze some extra calorie burning in, but it's so awful out there.. humid, dark grey, puddles.. i might still, if i don't get too caught up again in this site, i love it! of course there are new articles since i've last been there in december, so of course i have to read them all, all the new lists and advice. we'll see how long this takes me first ahah (andd now it's raining, nevermind that idea for today!)
also yesterday i kind of screwed up, because my dad brought out chips and he even got kind of questioning when he was trying to compare two foods and was looking for the calorie content in a fibre1 bar, and couldn't see it as it was separate from the other nutrition info.. i just automatically said, 'oh it's 140 cals' and he just looked at me and asked, 'you already knew that?' i was able to respond casually with 'well i eat one every day, i've read the labels' and i changed topic quickly to show him where it said that on the label and went on to the food comparison. so i felt awkward after that and guiltily ate chips.. uuuuugh. i feel awful! so i exercised for a mere 25 minutes once he went to bed and once i got off the phone with my boyfriend.. it was really late, and i couldn't sleep after that of course.. and i still woke up with a protruding stomach. sexy. not. as i couldn't sleep though, i decided to finally look around for a pink ribbon or thick thread, for a makeshift ednos bracelet. of course with my luck i found nothing of the sort. as i retreated back to my room finally i saw my dresser where i get ready every morning, and noticed what was left over from easter.. you know those gold lindor lindt bunnies? (sooo good!) well from easter i had a decent sized one, and those bigger ones have those red ribbons around them with bows and little gold bells. it gave me an idea, and i got it to fit on my wrist luckily - i've always had tiny wrists, like really small hands too.. people say they're kind of skeletal, seeing how pale i am too.. i love that. anyway so i decided if i can't have pink, red is my next best bet - i'm more ana than anything else, so it's a suitable substitute for now. and i think the bell is perfect because now whenever i raise my hand to my mouth to eat, it'll jingle and make me realise that i am eating and make me see what i am eating. of course i can't have the bell forever, so it's kind of a classical conditioning thing - a bracelet that i see when i go to eat should make me think twice. the bell is for training me. my dad already asked if i was jingling this morning, i just said that it was to remind me to bring something for a class.. for now i'll use the excuse that it worked so i'll try to use that to remind me of everything i need to remember from now on - til i get the pink ribbon of course; no bell is less suspicious and less obvious, but i have to make do with what i have.
so a new month, a new trick, 'new' calorie limit of 900 cals, and soon to come, a new weight.
also yesterday i kind of screwed up, because my dad brought out chips and he even got kind of questioning when he was trying to compare two foods and was looking for the calorie content in a fibre1 bar, and couldn't see it as it was separate from the other nutrition info.. i just automatically said, 'oh it's 140 cals' and he just looked at me and asked, 'you already knew that?' i was able to respond casually with 'well i eat one every day, i've read the labels' and i changed topic quickly to show him where it said that on the label and went on to the food comparison. so i felt awkward after that and guiltily ate chips.. uuuuugh. i feel awful! so i exercised for a mere 25 minutes once he went to bed and once i got off the phone with my boyfriend.. it was really late, and i couldn't sleep after that of course.. and i still woke up with a protruding stomach. sexy. not. as i couldn't sleep though, i decided to finally look around for a pink ribbon or thick thread, for a makeshift ednos bracelet. of course with my luck i found nothing of the sort. as i retreated back to my room finally i saw my dresser where i get ready every morning, and noticed what was left over from easter.. you know those gold lindor lindt bunnies? (sooo good!) well from easter i had a decent sized one, and those bigger ones have those red ribbons around them with bows and little gold bells. it gave me an idea, and i got it to fit on my wrist luckily - i've always had tiny wrists, like really small hands too.. people say they're kind of skeletal, seeing how pale i am too.. i love that. anyway so i decided if i can't have pink, red is my next best bet - i'm more ana than anything else, so it's a suitable substitute for now. and i think the bell is perfect because now whenever i raise my hand to my mouth to eat, it'll jingle and make me realise that i am eating and make me see what i am eating. of course i can't have the bell forever, so it's kind of a classical conditioning thing - a bracelet that i see when i go to eat should make me think twice. the bell is for training me. my dad already asked if i was jingling this morning, i just said that it was to remind me to bring something for a class.. for now i'll use the excuse that it worked so i'll try to use that to remind me of everything i need to remember from now on - til i get the pink ribbon of course; no bell is less suspicious and less obvious, but i have to make do with what i have.
so a new month, a new trick, 'new' calorie limit of 900 cals, and soon to come, a new weight.
Sunday, May 01, 2011
poprocks and coke
minus the poprocks, of course.
i think i may be addicted to coke zero. i have one little can left.. and my boyfriend got me a bottle on friday, so i had half of it then and the second half on saturday, yesterday.. now i have one little can left.. and i really don't want to drink it! i know i won't be allowed to have more anytime soon unless a miracle happened. but i do have this other stuff in my fridge, of course it only has a third of it left too, it's President's Choice (from loblaws or independent) 'free&clear', flavoured carbonated water. 0 cals of course. my favourite is black cherry (tastes amazing with cherry flavoured vodka!) but all i have now is lime, which is of course still yummy. i'll have that in small doses til i cave and drink my coke.
wish i posted sooner than this, i've just been so busy.. which is good, food distractions, but bad because i tend to lose sight of my goals.. didn't get to weigh myself this morning before drinking anything, but i got to yesterday, and i was sadly at 97.5 lbs.. of course that's still good, but considering i was 97 lbs last week, i'm only a .5 lbs further away from my goal to break the barrier.. at least i have a plan for today. on weekends when my dad is up at his house he's renovating, he usually comes home and either makes something small for dinner or throws in a frozen pizza, or now that the sun's out a lot later, he expects me to have eaten sometimes because he comes home later. so its perfect for me to just say that i've already eaten when he comes home.. of course there has to be some evidence of that, so i can just easily say whatever i've eaten in the day - some hummus and some PC sea salt 'brown rice crisps' - and i might have to make something up as well as i don't really plan on eating much more.. i don't know what i should tell him. i'll figure something out, i always do. i don't even feel that hungry even, yay. i think i can go the rest of the day with nothing else except maybe a cup of popcorn, about 20 cals only. under 400 cals for the day! sweet. that .5 lbs is really getting to me. just 1 lbs more and i will be so happy. so, by this coming weekend, i will have lost that little 1 lbs that will make a huge difference in how i feel. i even have a little motivation! i checked AE (american eagle) online, and they do have 000 that you can order but i couldn't see any today.. but when i find some 000 there, i will order them online as you can't buy them in stores and i will fit into them. my ultimate goal is to get ae 000 white skinnies.. i can't even explain how amazing i would feel in those! just.. amazing! so i need those. and i will get them.
also there is this girl in my school, my grade, who was even in one of my classes for the first time ever last semester.. who had anorexia in grade eight. that was the first time she was ever in my class though so i never really knew about it or anything, but in class we'd always kind of stare at each other from across the room.. we always made eye contact for some reason, always. and even now if we do happen to cross paths we make odd eye contact, like it lasts a little too long for usual glances.. like she recovered and everything over two years ago, but i wonder if she can tell. i'm going to start wearing a pink bracelet for ednos and try to get her to notice it, see if she reacts in any way to it.. if she does then i'll know she could tell something's been up all year with me. if she doesn't react then it was all just an odd coincidence i guess, but it would be really nice to have somebody know what was really up with me without having to say anything, to just have someone understand.. i'm thinking of creating a fake fb account to message her and confess to her, without identifying myself, just so i will have told someone who understands, and then that will be that, i don't need to do anything further there. i'm just too curious for my own good.
anyway i know i'm supposed to do my 'sunday morning' post but i feel awful about my week and it was so hectic i don't even remember half the things i ate.. i don't think i'll continue those posts, but i'll just try to mark down things i've eaten each day or estimate a calorie total, etc. i feel too bad about my week and i know this won't be the only time, so i'll give up on those already. instead, i'll just keep track with myself.
it's a new month, summer is really close to fully shining, and i am really close to my ultimate goal. in some ways, life is good! in other ways, i'll make it better. here's to fasting for the rest of the day (minus plain popcorn) and watching thinspo tv shows and going on the elliptical! hello, may, you're going to be a good month for me.
i think i may be addicted to coke zero. i have one little can left.. and my boyfriend got me a bottle on friday, so i had half of it then and the second half on saturday, yesterday.. now i have one little can left.. and i really don't want to drink it! i know i won't be allowed to have more anytime soon unless a miracle happened. but i do have this other stuff in my fridge, of course it only has a third of it left too, it's President's Choice (from loblaws or independent) 'free&clear', flavoured carbonated water. 0 cals of course. my favourite is black cherry (tastes amazing with cherry flavoured vodka!) but all i have now is lime, which is of course still yummy. i'll have that in small doses til i cave and drink my coke.
wish i posted sooner than this, i've just been so busy.. which is good, food distractions, but bad because i tend to lose sight of my goals.. didn't get to weigh myself this morning before drinking anything, but i got to yesterday, and i was sadly at 97.5 lbs.. of course that's still good, but considering i was 97 lbs last week, i'm only a .5 lbs further away from my goal to break the barrier.. at least i have a plan for today. on weekends when my dad is up at his house he's renovating, he usually comes home and either makes something small for dinner or throws in a frozen pizza, or now that the sun's out a lot later, he expects me to have eaten sometimes because he comes home later. so its perfect for me to just say that i've already eaten when he comes home.. of course there has to be some evidence of that, so i can just easily say whatever i've eaten in the day - some hummus and some PC sea salt 'brown rice crisps' - and i might have to make something up as well as i don't really plan on eating much more.. i don't know what i should tell him. i'll figure something out, i always do. i don't even feel that hungry even, yay. i think i can go the rest of the day with nothing else except maybe a cup of popcorn, about 20 cals only. under 400 cals for the day! sweet. that .5 lbs is really getting to me. just 1 lbs more and i will be so happy. so, by this coming weekend, i will have lost that little 1 lbs that will make a huge difference in how i feel. i even have a little motivation! i checked AE (american eagle) online, and they do have 000 that you can order but i couldn't see any today.. but when i find some 000 there, i will order them online as you can't buy them in stores and i will fit into them. my ultimate goal is to get ae 000 white skinnies.. i can't even explain how amazing i would feel in those! just.. amazing! so i need those. and i will get them.
also there is this girl in my school, my grade, who was even in one of my classes for the first time ever last semester.. who had anorexia in grade eight. that was the first time she was ever in my class though so i never really knew about it or anything, but in class we'd always kind of stare at each other from across the room.. we always made eye contact for some reason, always. and even now if we do happen to cross paths we make odd eye contact, like it lasts a little too long for usual glances.. like she recovered and everything over two years ago, but i wonder if she can tell. i'm going to start wearing a pink bracelet for ednos and try to get her to notice it, see if she reacts in any way to it.. if she does then i'll know she could tell something's been up all year with me. if she doesn't react then it was all just an odd coincidence i guess, but it would be really nice to have somebody know what was really up with me without having to say anything, to just have someone understand.. i'm thinking of creating a fake fb account to message her and confess to her, without identifying myself, just so i will have told someone who understands, and then that will be that, i don't need to do anything further there. i'm just too curious for my own good.
anyway i know i'm supposed to do my 'sunday morning' post but i feel awful about my week and it was so hectic i don't even remember half the things i ate.. i don't think i'll continue those posts, but i'll just try to mark down things i've eaten each day or estimate a calorie total, etc. i feel too bad about my week and i know this won't be the only time, so i'll give up on those already. instead, i'll just keep track with myself.
it's a new month, summer is really close to fully shining, and i am really close to my ultimate goal. in some ways, life is good! in other ways, i'll make it better. here's to fasting for the rest of the day (minus plain popcorn) and watching thinspo tv shows and going on the elliptical! hello, may, you're going to be a good month for me.
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