i am going in circles.
i quit laxies, i eat super well, a few dyas later i have just a smidge of sugary food and i can't stop myself from eating a. lot. then i feel terrible all night until i feel i need laxies. then i make sure the timing's right, liek i won't be at school or work or whatever when they start to work (not always perfectly on time, annoyingly, but obviously i deal..) and take them. and go to bed. and wait. and feel just awful. and resolve to quit.
this feels terrible.
everything's been triggered again on me, i've started cutting again, my left arm looks weird. a 'random' scratch on the top, so it looks like a cat or something, then a frictioned one (not a slice type cut, a back and forth roughly with blade, live i'm shaving layers off my skin) kind of looks like a burn i picked at on top of my hand, three scratches on the side of my hand (i say it was my little cat, whatever no one's staring to make sure it's authentic, if they see it) and on my left wrist.. the slices.. it's my favourite spot it just feels good there. i get most satisfaction there, anywhere else and i don't feel the same feeling. unfortunately. so sweaters it's been all week. they should fade (enough) in a week or so, to use a little makeup on them.
i've been taking a little more pills than i should be, too. at least seven different kinds of metabolism boosters (ex: green tea extracts), appetite suppressors (ex: pgx), and craving suppressors (ex: hoodia extract). at least seven different things though and i just shoved them in a little old pill bottle, so no one's the wiser that they're all different or anything. i don't pay attention to what's what i just swallow five or six at a time. i know it's awful for me.. but i'm not taking like high doses of any of them i guess.
i need to lose mroe weight, i gained, and i am fat. my jeans are so goddamn tight. i can't wear anything but sweaters (besides to hide cuts) because i don't feel comfortable or good in them.
i am getting back on track though.
i might do a liquid diet soon. i'll see how to word it to my mum.
sorry it's been so long.
i'll try to be back soon, rushed now.
