woow major freakout by the computer.. and it only shows what i type after a whole sentence. it's lagging that bad. so i'll try to keep this short, though the lag is shortening at least now.
so, only kind of riding on the high of breaking 97 lbs still.. starting to feel the effects of the cheat days, an excessive celebration.. and for once my laxies are failing me, i mean they keep me at my weight now but they're not getting rid of anything, i can feel all the junk in my gut.. rottin away, being absorbed.. shudder.
and hallowe'en used to be my favourite holiday.
so no worries though i have a plan to get back on track for friday, my seventeenth birthday! i want to be 96 lbs, even, but sure i'll take 96.5 lbs again of course. who wouldn't take it? anyone who's been under that weight, actually. but it's my lowest, so i'll take it for now. if i'm going to have a relatively normal birthday without worrying anybody or having anyone suspicious or having any arguments, then i have to have that safety net of my lowest weight to get me by all the food that ensues. when did birthdays turn into an excuse to binge? to eat whatever, without consequences? i don't know, but i want to personally harm whoever started that tradition. til i do that, i can survive with my plan. thank god i work wednesday and thursday, two days i can get away with eating just breakfast (three egg whites, 45 cals) and lunch (apple, 60 cals; yogurt, 35 cals; celery, 10 cals; cucumber, 20 cals) and then maybe a snack after school/before work, like some soup broth (whole container for 40 cals) or at work, a bowl of soup (who knows.. so oily sometimes, ugh) depending on the kind, or a small bowl of rice (wish it wasn't white, so i try to avoid it). so today, tuesday, i must get by without doing further damage than some individual chocolates (not the good lindt stuff, so not that high calorie at least), but i'm not sure how much damage i actually did there.. i'm in denial, too scared to check it out. so i'll just do excellent today. dinner's planned, chicken breats thawing in the fridge all day, 140 cals. then some vegetables, which are never many anyway. i'll have one bite of apple and one bite of yogurt, throw the rest of both out, to compensate. i hate compensating for binges by eating less healthy foods.. can't be helped sometimes. oh well i know me, i'll get back on track.
i'll leave on an awkward story: so i ran out of laxies yesterday, on hallowe'en of all damn days, so i had to devise a plan to get some, seeing as i live nowhere near a drugstore. went to my boyfriend's after school, so he could drive me home in time for dinner with family, and futsal. on the way back i got him to drop me at pharmaplus, asking him to wait in the car, lying about feminine things. he kept pressing me to tell him, since i don't really hide anything feminine related from him, i talk about periods and whatnot, he's interested actually and likes that i share and trust and whatever etc. so he was confused as to why i wasn't telling him, so i had to admit the half truth: it had to do with my stomach, and it was embarrassing. he knew my stomach's been messed for a week anyway, but no one knew why.. but me. of course i blamed it on being sick the week before, truth, because my nanny was too it was believable. then after that when my nanny got better, 'cause my period started, also truth. it has messed with my stomach before too, my mum knows that, and knows it's normal for anyone. now, i'm hiding anything's happening but i told my boyfriend i still wasn't feeling well, also truth actually. i didn't go any further and he didn't press because i said it was too embarrassing, also the truth heh.
so i go in, they didn't have the same as the last stuff i had (went to shoppers last time) so i had to decide on another one, got two different ones, one cheaper than the other and it totali have about seventy eight. good. so there's a line, i text him to say the line's long, truth, and that's why i'm slow, kind of truth. so i get up there, the only cash open, and it's a girl in my school. my grade. knows who i am for sure, been going to school together since sixth grade. lovely. didn't really say much, just the weak awkward 'heeyy..' and knowing her group they're boring enough so that that encounter would be the only thing of interest to talk about at lunch today. god i hope they don't assume the truth.. or worse, assume it and spread it as a rumour, one they wouldn't know was true. here's hoping..
well i hope you're all having a lovely day at least!
does your boyfriend know about your ED? I hate anyone really knowing about it and it's one of the reasons (one of MANY reasons) I have never been in a relationship. How would I ever explain the fasting and the cutting?
ReplyDeleteI don't know about the states (which is where I assume you're from) but if someone saw me buying lots of laxies, I don't think they'd make any sort of connection. Most people here don't really think about EDs at all.
actually i live in canada =)in the capital, ottawa. not too far from the states anyway. but yeah i hope not.. i also got two big chocolate bars with it, not sure if i mentioned that >< but yeahh two boxes of laxies and two big chocolate bars.. it was awkward either way ahah.
ReplyDeleteand noo my boyfriend doesn't know.. like he knows i have issues with eating but i've worked so hard to cover up the extent of it, and convince him. and he knows i used to cut, in the past year i've cut once, but been itching to lately. anyway i wouldn't let him know how bad it is, and would never let himknow about laxies! he just knows about resctriction, not purging.