one more weekend

so this weekend was terrible. i never believed the whole overcompensating thing after a diet.. i didn't realise it even til each day was done. i can't believe this. so i have a new goal: just be under 97 lbs by may. that is my one goal right now, and i need to achieve it. may starts this coming sunday, so i have little under a week.. but no worries i at least have a whole plan for it. first off, i need to start reading again, to distract myself from food and all else.. i used to read all the time, but school keeps getting harder obviously as i get older and workloads grow etc leaving less time to do what i want.. but i'm going to start reading again every minute i can. i went searching online last night for a bunch of ana books and compiled a huge list on my ipod touch. don't know how i'll get these books out of the library without being questioned by my dad, as the list really is massive so i'll be asking for quite some time now to be getting these books.. but whenever i can i'll be reading them. i think i want to start with 'the best little girl in the world' by steven levenkron.. reminds me of me, the two sentence description of it that i read, anyway. it went something like this: at 5'4" and 98 lbs, the girl believes she is overweight' and seeing as i'm 5'4" and, well, 97 lbs, i feel maybe i could relate. also i'm trying to watch more movies when i'm home alone online, like 'girl, interrupted', or 'speak', or pro ana films. oh right, and other ways i'll accomplish my goal are hiding more food. with lunch, i get an average of 210 cals each day. easy way to cut that down is to hide my fibre1 bars (i love them so much.. but sacrifices have to be made!) in my second locker at school. that cuts 140 cals each day right there. breakfast, i'll either have an apple or an egg white. egg whites have less calories, but apples are way mre beneficial to my health and would help keep people quiet. i may alternate depending on the time i have in the morning. as for dinner.. well we always have a salad first, so i'll really try to fill myself up on that. vegetables really fill me for some reason so i'll use that to my advantage, drinking at least half a litre of water through the duration of my salad.. then whatever else we have that night, i'll have less, because i hate the feeling of being reeally stuffed.. bloated.. nauseated.. i feel good about this. my detox week helped like crazy, this better too. i know i started this off by saying i'd cut down my 1100 cals maximum by 100 cals every so often, but screw that i'm skipping right to 900 cals. that is my new maximum. i'm not going to go around and tell people this, namely my boyfriend, but if he asks about it i won't lie to him. it is my body after all, i'm just not going to start something with him by bringing it up myself. i already haven't been that good today.. thank god i burnt more than half the batch of shortbread i made yesterday! my nanny (grandma) had some, and i had some today.. i'm leaving some though for my sister to try when she comes over tonight so i won't eat any more. i had i think three or four.. oh this is bad, i can't even remember. i'm just going to say 250 cals, as i said 200 cals for three and i don't know.. and they're really not that big. then i've had coffee, nothing, and i'm going to have an apple the second i want food again to stop hunger right away. then i will wait til dinner. so that makes a total of 310 cals so far, leaving 590 cals for dinner. wish we weren't having pasta with cheese sauce and garlic bread though.. sigh. there'll be four of us though so it'll be easier for me to take less; my sister's boyfriend eats like crazy - well all teenage boys do. god love them. no bread for me tonight! and little pasta, with little sauce, and no parmesan. a small bowl of pasta can't be 590 cals, i checked the nutritional info, and a cup is like 300 cals.. and there's not going to be that much for me thankfully. if i want something sweet after that not so filling dinner plan, i can have coke zero! i love it so much more than diet coke.. love my easter treats my dad got me! the six pack of coke zero he got are smaller cans but they're adorable! and a container of popcorn kernels.. can't believe how low cal, fibre full, and filling plain popcorn is. new snack? yes. new drink? yes. ohh this is going to be good. so now i'm going to start a movie, i think 'speak' today, then at 2pm i'll take a break to watch the doctors and go on the elliptical for an hour. here we go on a new cal max.. i can't wait to break the 97 lbs barrier!
one more weekend to go and i will!