truth

so i binged yesterday. tried to purge, but i didn't have much time.. and i hate doing it at school. yeah, i binged at school.. i had this link crew training thing all day in the caf, and no it wasn't any caf food (separate rooms anyway) that i had, one of the link crew coordinators (one of the four teachers who run it) brought in like four platters of cookies right before our first break. fuck. i didn't even realise what i was doing til i had quite a couple.. then throughout the day they left them there! so i just had more and more til i realised.. i've probably had about three times my limit if not more. what the fuck am i doing. and i didn't eat anything for the rest of the day, not one thing. i had a lot of water anyway, 2 litres, with one crystal light, and a small coke zero.. so 10 cals there.. then some cucumber slices and small celery stalks. and green tea with part of an apple for breakfast. so minus the binge, i had about 100 cals. i mean, really good, except the binge was definitely over 800 cals, so god, over my new limit already. i'm thinking i had maybe 2000 cals in the binge. i am so mad at myself. today i will be perfect to compensate for it. a positive of the binge though (i like to feel somewhat not entirely horrible) is that i quit eating really early in the day, around 3pm. so i woke up without a giant balloon of a stomach at least, but i could feel it there. if i'm going to make this new limit for me, i have to start sticking to it.
weird though, i swear i've been gaining weight since my detox, but my jeans don't fit me anymore.. like it's normal for them to feel loose after one wear, but i'm talking right out of the dryer fresh cleaned. and loose. i dont' get it, my tightest jeans, 00 american eagle skinnies, were loose by the time i left my house.. which is like less than an hour, a half hour maybe. that doesn't make sense at all. but god i would so damn happy if i made it to 000 jeans! i think when my mum comes home i'll have to order some online from ae and see if they fit.. if they do, well my months of effort will have come to some use. actually more than months.. i've been struggling for a very long time with my appearance, but only in the past few months have i really gotten focused on it. happened around the time my boyfriend was hiding part of our last school year, like 2009/2010 school year, while i was away in malaysia with my mum. we tried long distance and made it for half the year, til out of nowhere he breaks up with me on my goddamn new year's eve. sure for him it was the day before, but fuck have some consideration after that long. anyway he knew what i was up to that whole time we were separated, i didn't try to hide anything.. and i assumed he did the same, and my best friend would have told me something - we had a promise there. (i'll try to keep this short.. not my strong suit though) so then i get home first week of june, and they're still in school, so i visit the school a lot til they're done and hang out with my friends and him after etc.. we got together again like four days after i got home. so then only in january do i hear the goddamn truth. he was hooking up with one of the girls in their group; "only" four or five damn times. he only fucking told me because one of my best friends had some conscience - it wasn't even the one who made the promise with me! and she told him that day, 'you tell her what happened or i will' so, he did. only because he was threatened.t hen there's this other bitch guy who used to be my best guy friend, people joked he was my bitch even before, in freshman year of high school, two years back. so he hates me now whatever whole other story, and he likes to fuck with my boyfriend and i - fourth time he's done it - and wrote a song about what happened with that slut and my boyfriend and was planning on showing it to me, to tell me what happened through a song like that (he's also made a song named after me, basically the entire thing is insults towards me, mean things about me..). bitch. anyway so the truth came out and i was devastated obviously because he had basically been lying to my face for about eight months if not more that he hadn't done anything with anyone last year, blah blah BULLSHIT. so it was one of our biggest fights, needless to say. anyway this is about the time i started to focus on my food. i can't control what happened i can't make it better i can't change it. i am nowhere near over it still it was a complete breach of trust from not only him but my two best friends who knew and the one that promised. and everyone acted fine. and he tried to get me to be friends with that group only a month or so before (because i hate them anyway, i only like one girl.. my other best friend hates them all, not part of that group) and then i hear this? does he expect me to want to continue that, everyone lying to my face, laughing behind my back, knowing the truth, me looking like an idiot? no. i don't think so. so i can't change any of that. and without realising it i started focusing on food a lot more than i did. i did before, all school year in fact, marking down my weight every day i could, counting calories.. but not to the extreme i'm doing now, i can't eat anything without knowing the calorie content, and i need to exercise, and i can't eat past certain times.. it disgusts me. so it just took a turn for the worse when all that happened in late january.. i didn't even notice it til this week, when i started thinking about why or how or when this happened. and that's the conclusion i came up with. i have a lot more indepth theories concerning the same scenario, but it'll probably be boring to read and too long to write.. as an aspiring clinical psychologist, i tend to overthink things to all of that by habit now.
so anyway, i've been dealing with not having my fitness class for a week now (today is my first time in the class for a week! long weekends and link crew days.. and we're not even in the gym working out - just playing games.. but at least it's exercise.. i'll take it) and every night since saturday i've been going on my elliptical for an hour at home.. obviously that's why i can't sleep at all this week but i need to compensate. i'm trying to do better.. so today i'm going to be really good. three coke zeros left, maybe have one tonight, with a small dinner and maybe i'll pop some plain popcorn, really low cal and high fibre and really filling for me. sounds good to me. already threw out part of my lunch, and kept only the celery and cucumber, again. back to 900 cals a day. my stomach won't stop growling right now and i'm loving it. i'll end this on that good note, and the fact that inexplicably my jeans are loose. looking forward (kind of?) to weighing myself on sunday..