cannibal

i'm ravenous. for everything. flesh, carbs, blood, salt, bone, fat, love. but you can't have them all. you have to pick and choose, give up one to get another, trade them off, go back and forth between some. you have to get your priorities straight, or you won't ever have exactly what you want. going back and forth being two means you will never have one of them entirely. trading them off from time to time will make you start over each time. giving up one to get another takes strength that not everyone has. picking and choosing is the hardest part, and you have to do it first to make sure the rest doesn't happen. i know what i've chosen.
flesh, bone, and love. it's never an easy decision. i choose love over blood, because i love my boyfriend more than i want to see blood, and he's really against it i learned four years ago in freshman year - it was the hardest decision beacuse i basically put blood in the same category as the good choices, but it's an uneven number, i needed to make a sacrifice. i choose bone over fat, because it's the easiest decision, i much rather see bone than fat, and eat nothing than fat. i choose flesh over carbs and salt, because without salt, flesh is flat and not bloated, and without carbs, flesh showcases the bones instead of hiding them.
dad came over last night, sirloins, all fat stripped off, plain lettuce salad, and three tiny pieces of garlic bread, because he knows it is my favourite - to be correct, he knew it was my favourite. but i've always felt bad with him and food, unfortunately/fortunately, so i had three tiny pieces, no more than 250 cals. sirloin? five or six ounce, approximately 55 cals per ounce, so maximum 330 cals. lettuce, maybe 30 cals. not too bad right, 610 cals? then including the rest of the food i ate that day, egg whites with a little cheese, 60 cals, crystal light, 10 cals, it comes out to about 680 cals, 700 cals to round up. then of course he brought a 'treat' though i don't consider it a treat when i feel guilted into eating it. he brought corn twists, which i loved. i would have given it away if i could but he's coming again tonight for the hell's kitchen finale and season premiere of two shows we always used to watch, how i met your mother, which we love, and two and a half men, which we're curious to see what they do with charlie and how ashton kutcher will flow in. he sais to save some for the shows tonight, so i am. i didn't have much last night. i watched the clock, had sessions of eating one at a time for ten minutes, then drinking my 'detox'/'weight loss' tea and water for ten minutes, then eating one at a time for ten more minutes. put away right after that half hour, brought to stuffed ziplocs to school to throw away to anybody - i'd feel too terrible throwing them out. won't eat the rest tonight of course, bring the rest to school tomorrow. so i had about maybe 350 cals, 400 cals of that. adds up to about 1100 cals, like my old limit. definitely have reduced that limit. but i ate well the day before, and i went for a run every night, including last night, and then went on the treadmill to kind of test it out for future late nights when everyone's sleeping, so i only did 110 cals on it, but including my 100 cals from the run earlier, and then BMR of 1329.48 or something, i think i did alright. never got to weigh myself this weekend so i'm getting excited for this saturday morning to come! especially after my coming week.
i'll write about my run tomorrow! and i finsihed wintergirls in two days, loved it! i'll talk about that tomorrow, lunch is about to start, and i don't want to be caught! stay strong girls, it's going to be a good autumn!