get crazy

so i'm doing alright. i feel a little weird. heavy, though i know i can't possibly be over 100 lbs, what i was saturday morning. i know i can't be, it's impossible, not with the calories i've counted, overestimating even. but i feel heavy. and gross. i hate that word, 'gross', but there really is no better word for this description. just.. gross.
i keep getting these weird, sharp pains.. they come at the most random times. i don't want to go into details as to where or anything, a little embarrassing, though i don't even understand it.. but it's been going on for over a year, and they come at really random times. i don't have to be doing anything specific, just i'm sitting and it'll happen. lying down. running. walking. cooking. eating. showering. working. i don't understand it, but when it happens, it literally forces me to freeze until it passes. usually it happens in bunches though. when the first one comes and goes, i can expect another after it. i just got one, and i'm waiting for the next, but it should have been here by now. getting more unpredictable. sigh. maybe i'll have to do something about that soon..
i want to lock myself in a bathroom stall, high school movie cliche style, and stay there for the rest of the day, keep myself barricaded until i can leave and go to work. i work again tonight, covering someone's shift for them.. so three days in a row, yesterday, tonight, and tomorrow too. evens out; only one shift next week. i was good at work, no desserts, just about five gummy bears (20 cals estimation, 30 cals overestimation), and about six maraschino cherries. i don't want to know how much those are. i put them in my diet coke, with a wedge of lime. but of course i googled it. 10 cals each. so, 60 cals.. or maybe i had seven.. damn. i'll say 70 cals to be safe. sigh. in all, about 100 cals at work. not bad, only a bit of sour cream, salsa, and shredded cheese, with some stale tortilla chips beforehand. and celery, cucumber, egg whites. doesn't sounds like much at all eh? well, why do i feel so bloated and fat like i ate all night?! where's the morning stomach, the hunger pangs, the satisfied feeling!? driving me insane, this feeling of zero progress.
well i work tonight, so no gummy bears, no cherries. just lime in my diet coke. and no snacking beforehand! once my lunch is done, i cannot eat until my shift, maybe a bowl of soup. two, if it's a consomme, and not cream based. no rice. no staff meal. that goes to my boyfriend tomorrow. i can do that. maybe i'll feel better in the morning then.
speaking of, we're doing badly together. rough patch. cliche i know, but it's true. another reason i want to sit in the comfort of the stall, alone, eavesdropping from time to time, the stall i have once thrown up in. i want to feel safe again, secure.
or, i just want to get crazy, do what i want, and not have a care in the world about it. if only i could in my situation. but, my situation calls for studying. i'll make a note to self to get crazy this weekend.