feel like shit

i only have time for a short post, but fuck i screwed up. i feel alright, but terrible at the same time, some shape tea (the detox/weight loss one i've been talking about, that's its name) last night, three mugs.. nothing last night.. then this morning, when i could sleep in, my stomach woke me up in an uproar way earlier than i wanted. but i feel a lot better now, wearing an XS american eagle off white, thin, long sleeve, kind of crew neck shirt. always thought it was too tight for me, but other than my arms, it hangs loosely. draped over my ribs, hanging over my stomach. i like it. a carf too, so you can't see my bra, and to make me look not so plain. my arms though, are cased like sausage. that's how it feels. ugh.
so, to bypass over yesterday please, wintergirls: amazing book. triggering for me somehow. but i love it, and have many more to read now. i almost feel like i'm lia, and my friend is cassie - she's self destructive it seems to me a lot of the time, sadly, and i can't do anything about it, but we half support each other in our goals. we've shared them, talked about food, mia, ana, etc. she's more mia, i'm more ana, just like cassie and lia.. and cassie is way more self destructive than me, so it fits that she'd be cassie. and i know i want to live. just to get thin. anyway i don't have much time..
running! i've started. my boyfriend tells me to have rest days, which would be my work days, three times a week. but i don't want to rest. even on 'rest' days i feel i should do minimum ten minutes, hard, or like two kilometres. those are both at least 100 cals for me i know. so, time's almost up.. i miss you guys like crazy and i feel terrible but stronger at the same time, quitting the tea - only one teabag left really, but i should stop before i turn the other mia, the lesser talked about one. i don't want that to happen to me.. so i'm getting some more, but only for in emergencies! like birthdays or thanksgivings or christmases, etc. or for when i'm drunk and crave fat, but only when i'm not so drunk that i dont' vomit.. i sometimes do when i'm hungover or really drunk but that hasn't happened in ages, don't like being that wasted always.. soemtimes, i guess.. depends on the situation.. sigh, sorry for the semi depressing post! i'll be back tomorrow with a much better attitude!