ramblings

i feel pretty awful. 'family talk' yesterday, mum, dad and i.. fuck. i am not forced to have that goddamn coconut oil, every other day still, but an actual tablespoon instead of a tiny swig. i can't stand it.. after i swallowed it finally, i gagged, like it wanted to come right back out. my stomach doesn't want it either. my mum says it's 'cause it's in my head, i've convinced myself that's what will happen when i take it - but so what, i'm fine with that. i'll keep convincing myself until i actually do spew it back out, 'unvoluntarily' ahah. so my dinner will be extremely light. i work tonight, so stirfry.. i don't want much. i'll have a few bites of the meat, some vegetables if they're good ones, and pack it up 'for the next day' (aka garbage, or actually to school the next day to bring to my boyfriend, he loooves that restaurant) so i have a good plan. no time to eat before work, and school lunch is always light. so the only other thing the parents made me agree to (not really an agreement is it, when you have to be forced to agree?) have protein at every meal. i'm fine with that, but not fine with eating extra calories.. so, breakfast is now two egg whites, only 30 cals. really good, and it's pure protein. but, every other day it'll be 160 cals including the goddamn coconut oil.. i'll have my apple midmorning or so, 35 cals yogurt around lunch/last two classes of the day, along with my vegetables. i only have a bite or two from the chicken slices, the yogurt has a type of protein on its own.
my boyfriend's kind of given up on talkignt o me about food.. good in a sense but awful in the sense that he doesn't really care anymore. of course he cares about my health, but my whole psychological issues with food? not really i don't think. and lately i've been so extremely supportive of him quitting his part time job (not a big deal i know he's 17, but the stress was killing him) and taking night school and taking a lot of time with schoolwork and his training (for triathlons eventually, marathons first) and still looking for a part time job with less hours in the process.. meaning of course not a lot of time with me, when i have work now and running too occasionally and a lot fo work for one of my courses i'll just call LC now, the grade nine support and whatnot.. it's a lot of work inside and outside of school. i mean i've been great to him through all this, helping him out, reassuring him, making plans and thinking of job ideas etc, and i feel i'm getting no support in return for the one thing always on my mind.. it feels like the support and smiles and all that is just turning kind of fake.. i do really care still, but it's so much effort to always be good and happy with everything and supportive and calm, i can't expend that energy anymore - as i type, by body aches for me to lie down. not even sleep, but at least lie down. my neck is begging to loosen, my shoulders are tense, my arms are sore, my hands are typing incessently, my back aches. i dont' get enough sleep because he can't sleep from stress or he's up late from homework so he's not tired after, and who's there to chat with him before sleeping to get him kind of unwinded and calm? me. i need more sleep, i get up at 627 every day (i like odd numbers for alarms) and he gets up at like 745 every toher day, the days in between he doesn't need to be at school til 1020! i can't stay up past 1130 at the latest, yet i have been. not good for me.
sometimes, i start thinking to myself what would happen if i weren't with him.. i know it's a terrible thought, but all these past memories of him being high and the idiot friends he had and that fucking girl are clearly not going away. and it is causing a problem with us. he may not see it, it's all still in my head as of now, as of the last time we fought about it all, so i haven't said anything since then. but i think i need to. i just don't know what will happen, i'm worried.. i do love him. but i just cannot deal with these thoughts, i just can't. maybe i'm weak then, but so what? people can call me what they want, i'm not trying to hold on to them! they won't let go of me! go ahead and call me weak, pathetic, jealous, a bitch - see if i care. i care about fixing it with him, fixing myself. can't wait for my psychiatrist. they better actually get one this time instead of putting it off then never doing it, like last time. i won't give up on it.
as for my boyfriend.. i just can't put up with it anymore. i need my revenge first, but i still need to talk to him. probably after revenge, or if word gets to him through the friends of what happened, he will assume me. just because of what happened. unfair, yes, but probably the best assumption, also yes. but after that happens, if he does get wind of it, it's a good time to bring up my insecurities and stupid mind.
i am so incredibly sorry for the long, long, long post! if anyone actually finishes it, i am so impressed ahah and so happy. no one can keep up with my ramblings anymore or my thoughts..