til the world ends

it smells like my best friend in student services. don't know why. but i still miss her. thank god i have writer's craft with her, we can talk slightly in it, not much 'cause of all the constant writing, but i enjoy it. hopefully i'll see her outside of class soon.
anyway, i passed that dreadfully terrible girl in the hall today.. so glad my boyfriend dropped the class he had with her! (unrelated to her being there, but i like it either way.. yeah i'm jealous i'm trying to get over it but whatever i can't change overnight so i accept it) but as i passed her, barely two inches from shoulder to shoulder, i had that urge to knock into her. that one that fills you with red anger, setting your insides on fire with quick adrenaline, heart pounding in your head. i didn't do it. the fire died down, my heart slowed and returned to my chest. i was disappointed. i desperately wanted to. and i think i will, next time.
i thought that was all relevant ahah, to me it is i guess.. but on another note, food! of course.
my mum and i got in an argument today. she wants me to take this coconut oil, blehh. like it's disgusting. a coonut taste which isn't the worst thing i guess, but i definitely prefer fish oil, but she won't let me have it instead! i wore her down to every other day i'll have a 'quick swig' - not near a tablespoon, the opening's small. but fuck. i want fish oil instead. this oil is the highest in calories, has a filmy feeling and taste in my mouth, and tastes and feels like pure fat in my mouth. it actually makes me gag. she doesn't understand that. i would take the oil, but just not coconut oil! the doctor said it was the best one for me though so she's sticking to it. she did research by herself as well and she is convinced, and relentless. fuck. i hate it. she won't get off my case about that, and about protein. she tried to make me eat 'one plain egg white' this mornign, which i have no problem with, it's like 15 cals, but she didn't measure out the egg whites, so i said i'd only have a few bites, so i took one - pure butter. disgusting. butter does not belong on eggs. she went away, i shovelled a few small bites in my mouth, but couldn't accept the fact that it was fried in butter. a lot of butter from the taste of it. so i spit it all out, maybe swallowed one measly bite.. probably still minimum 50 cals, i'm thinking 100 cals. fuck that. along with the oil? and with the approximately 30 cals in my coffee from my benefibre, i'm looking at minimum 200 cals for breakfast alone! that's the absolute minimum! i'm guessing more like 250 cals.. so disappointed, but she won't leave me alone. i had half my lunch already, three cucumber slices, and four small stalks of celery, and one bite of an extra lean smoked chicken breast slice. stomach's still growling, at least. actual lunch now: small apple, and one yogurt. 60 and 35 cals. under 100 cals at least.. half salvaging my efforts today. dinner? nothing. at my boyfriend's til eight, we're going for a run beforehand and getting some exercise, so i told him i'd eat at my house after, because i can't run on a full stomach (which is true!) but i told my mum i'd eat at my boyfriend's before i came home (that was the lie) so her efforts to force feed me fat will be wasted. i will win once again. i am so determined this time, especially seeing her in the halls today, and with friday coming fast at me to weigh in at maximum 100 lbs. and since my mum's trying to feed me fat, i'll come back and laugh in her face - not literally, or she'd know i'm lying about food, ahah but figuratively. i'll win this battle, not you mum. and i even got my boyfriend to ban me from junk food, because it upset my stomach yesterday (true actually) so i'm banned now. yay!
i also started taking my mum's detox/weight loss tea she had from a while ago.. she said i could, but i decided to just start this morning. she said they were kind of like laxatives, most weight loss teas were, she said.. but it's just tea, i have minimum a mug every night anyway, i'll just add another mug of this tea.
i know i seem all over the place, but i realised today i'm going to be like this my whole life.. ana never leaves.. americaneaglelove says it best in her quote from the memoir 'wasted' and her explanation of it. always one foot in the mirror, you can't leave forever. and in my last post about never being able to turn back on the path. you can branch off of it, but you will always have been on it. no turning back. if only i can achieve my idea of perfection, i'll be happier.. maybe. if not, i'll look better at the least. but, i'll be like this til the world ends. maybe about revenge too, ahah.. read on for that..
i really have to pee now actually, ahah tmi? and i don't want to ramble forever! missed you all! i'll find something else to do during my spare now. like finalise my plans for come uppance on that girl. i dont' care who says i'm overthinking it or hanging on to it or whatever. i really don't. my boyfriend thinks i'm ridiculous, thinks i should leave it alone, leave her alone, but the more he 'defends' her (not actually defending.. but ish i guess) the more i want to smash her face in. but, my plan doesn't involve physical violence (yet, ahah) or even my name. i'll never rest on this, or things liek this that will come in my life it seems.. anyway i'll finalise those plans and post them next time! ahah this is kind of turning into revenge and bones. maybe i'll change my title from 'addicting agony' to something along those lines.. temporarily, til the 'revenge' is complete. love you all!