freeze ray

haven't posted in awhile.. feel like i shouldn't be able to anymore, i don't know what's going on. usually when i'm in a bad place with my boyfriend i don't really eat because of it, more like the opposite, but yesterday i ate like fuck. cookies. a box. president's choice 'the decadent' chocolate chip cookies. best ever. a fucking box. not alone, but i definitely had at least two thirds of the thing. fuck. in a meager attempt to look at this in some slightly good way, i ate well the rest of the day and started the first day of me staying extra late at the gym when we go in fitness class (gotta love spares after fitness) and burned a total of about 1100 cals. and i was so good, breakfast, lunch, dinner.. then the cookies. it was so good til then. and my boyfriend and i are started to be affected, it seems, by my calorie counting and whatever.. like usually he'll just say he doesn't want to hear it and it gets all quiet, awkward, whatever, but changes quick enough, because we don't fight, he just doesn't want to hear me talking about calories all the time.. which is understandable but i really don't. he just thinks every time i do, it's like 24/7 which is definitely not true. he just doesn't want to hear it. then yesterday during math class he decided to start taling me about carbs and fat, differences between them, whatever, because i don't really look at fat in things, nor do i care, because ultimately it is calories in and calories out that result in weight loss or gain, so i focus on that so it's easier on me, and hey it's been working for me. so he started and i wasn't mad, i just said like i don't really care, it's not that important to me, and he got kind of irritated saying it is important etc and i mean we were in the middle of a math lesson, and he's doing way better than me, i needed to listen more than him (yet when i have something to say he's all 'shh, listen') and i just said that i didn't really care, because it doesn't matter.. so he started getting more irritated then got mad at me, unprovoked, saying that it does matter for me, etc, so i just said like i don't want to hear it, i want to do math, like my method has been working great for me, leave it. and he wouldn't of course. so then i wouldn't talk and he got really mad at me just saying 'whatever' a lot, which he knows i can't stand, and saying 'fine, get all moody like that, i don't give a shit'.. when he said that, we were walking back to his place, and i was already crying at this point because he can get really condescending and raises his voice and takes on such an angry tone without even realising it and it always makes me cry.. (when people get that mad at me, i can't help myself, my body just cries) so when he said that, i just stopped and turned around and started walking the opposite direction, and i would not look back. i stopped behind some trees and just stood there and cried.. scoped him out just walking along alone, and that i know of, he didn't look back either. also i started my period two days early, late sunday night, so i was pissed at that and clearly in a bad time of the month to argue. don't mean to ramble.. i just need to get this out. maybe i won't binge like that again if i do. because i had no one to tell.. i did end up walking over, we texted a bit, and ultimately i asked him if i should stay where i was or go over. he said to come over. mind you he still hasn't asked where i was.. i was in a damn tree, he probably thoguht i had walked to someone's house but if he would think for once before saying something he would know that either of my best friends' houses were too far to go to, especially if i got to his place under an hour after i walked away. i mentioned the phrase 'where i am' or 'here' vaguely many times and he never once seemed to care. he had no idea where i was. and these pothead freshman in my school called me over and i had nothing to do so i went over and talked to them for a bit (i didn't like them) and they were getting weed around there or something and they kept asking me if i wanted any and i kept saying no (boyfriend and i have a promise) but i wanted to just to spite the dumbass.. but i never would have. so i made an excuse and left them, they were bothering me and starting smoking up like right in front of my face, oblivious freshman, so i left. i did not like them. so i went to his place and it was super awkward. didn't really talk at all. and he offered me pretzels i said no (i barely even like those!) and he rolled his eyes, huffed, and said oh of course, too much carbs for you. i was mad. so i stared at him, and ate some, to shut him up. i won't let him do that again, any of that, it was stupid. sure we both had a part to play, not denying that, but he really didn't have to raise his voice and change his tone and all that. i never did.
anyway.. just about the last few days and such, yeah i've felt like shit, and i dont' feel like talking about it, and i don't have morning stomach (blame the binge) and it just growled, yay, but it's still not flat and i don't feel hungry, it just growled.. still a nice feeling.. and i threw out the bad stuff in my lunch leaving only the cucumbers and celery and apple which'll be my breakfast as soon as i'm done this, then hopefully go for a jog or soemthing before fitness.. hate tuesdays and thursdays, how we play gmaes or whatever, i much rather go to the gym all the time. who cares about 'resting days' (hah, yeah, my boyfriend would like to hear me say that..) so today we're doing basics of lacrosse for no real reason. just that everyone has to teach one class (i already did ages ago, first group to present - did badminton, love it) so that's the only reason. we won't even get to move around much. dinner with my nanny (biological father's mum) and my daddy (biological father) and my sister, they'll have barbecue as we always do when we're together, and my daddy's going to bring his m&m meat shop's salmon for me. love having an excuse not to eat that fatty meat with cheese and all else. so i better be good today. my limit is 900 cals. i can't forget that. five days in a row of that limit and i'll see if it does a single thing for me, even just feeling somewhat accomplished, because it's like someone freezed the scale at 97 lbs, because it doesn't seem to go lower than that.
i feel really fucking nauseous.

brief overview of my closest family, may be confusing:
daddy: biological father, divorced when i was a year old.
dad: ex step father, married when i was young, divorced three or so years ago living with him this year.
mum: self explanatory, though she's away this year, i live with her all other times.
nanny ja.: mother's mum, lives next door to me
nanny jo.: daddy's mum.
grandma sylvia: dad's mum.
sister: self explanatory. moved home recently for the summer, she's in uni now, done her first year.
aunt karin: my daddy' sister, my nanny jo.'s daughter. she was adopted.
uncle pierre: married to my aunt k.
uncle perry: dad's brother.
aunt michelle: married to uncle pe.
cousin sam: uncle p and aunt m's son.
uncle andrew: mum's brother.
aunt barb: my mum's sister.
uncle eric: married to aunt b.
cousins char, chels, em: daughters of my aunt b and uncle e.
uncle chris: my daddy's brotehr, lives in florida. had an aunt and they had kids, they divorced, he remarried.
cousins carter and clinton: uncle c's kids.