ruled by secrecy

i wish i could just tell people to stop offering me food, stop making me eat, to just stop.
yep i feel gross. it seems that whenever i decide to be more determined and steadfast, people can sense it and make comments and make me eat loads more than they usually feed me. at dinner at my boyfriend's last night they were having chicken alfredo - yeah i went back to chicken and fish, i realised the filling protein and lean chicken breast is good for me, it's the red meat that's dangerous and fatty, so none of that ever - and garlic bread. they know i'm really good at the garlic bread, with homemade garlic butter and all, and i always help out cooking, so i was the one making the bread. usually i watch the chicken, no harm there. but i was on bread. so my boyfriend put parmesan on them before putting them in the oven and i didn't want any, so he left it off of mine, and i absolutely love garlic so i put a little extra garlic on my two smaller ones. then they coem out of the oven and he's left FOUR for me. FOUR. not smaller ones either. and yeah i ate them all. then his mum was doling out the alfredo and after one scoop i said 'oh that's fine', but she put another on and said 'what?' and i said 'oh well that's enough' yet she put ANOTHER scoop on saying 'oh you'll eat more than that'.. really? why thank you.. then later in the evening my sister's boyfriend picked me up and we were off to pick her up as she just drove in with my other nanny (grandma) from her mini vacaction of five days visiting our family in florida. she's moved back in for the summer. and we sued to go on timmies runs, to tim hortons late at night, last summer.. so he wanted to do it with us. she had already had timmies that day driving from florida, but i hadn't so i said just a small plain glazed donut (all sugar, sure, but least amount of cals on the menu) then my sister just stared at me, and asked '..and what to drink?' i said just an iced coffee, low cal, but they said they were out, of course, so i had a small iced capp. disappointed. i tried to offer bites or sips but they both denied all of them. somehow weight came up in my conversation with him on the way to get my sister, talking about drinking and tolerance, how my sister weighs more than me and is shorter than me, and i have more of a tolerance than her (well hell i drink a lot more than she ever has and she's older) and he said well she's only like 105 lbs, and i stupidly said without thinking, 'so? i'm like 97 lbs' and he just thought that was weird, and said it was like super skinny, and made a small comment joke a few minutes after about me being like an anorexic weight.. which is so not true yet, no i'm not, i'm only in the high nineties..
so it's like these people have a damn sixth sense as to when i'm in 'danger' of losing weight or whatever. good for them, i guess. awful for me. i'm still going to try really hard though it will be more difficult with this sixth sense.. as for my sister living with me for the summer, this could be extremely detrimental or beneficial to me. she loves junk and doesn't care about weight like i care, and she's really not that much heavier but she's shorter than me, she's like 5'1" so a noticeable difference. so her loving food and junk is good and bad. good, because at dinner and whatever she'll always take the seconds or more than me, making my portions smaller, but bad because my dad and i may have to start buying more groceries, cooking more.. also the junk, whenever my dad gets me a 'treat', well now it'll be for both of us, and she'll eat more than me or i'll let her take it all, whatever. but it's bad because she might get her own junk and share it with me, like haagen dazs, chips, etc.. she has a job and a sweet tooth, a lot of money in the bank for her age and for a first year uni student, and she will get junk. and late night timmies. i'm going to need to work a lot out.
yay for may. fuck.