worry rock

gaaaaaaah i did it i put a note in her locker >< and i so so regret it now. i mean, what the hell? who wants to get a note like that? who would spend time from their own lives to investigate the note? well, i would, but that's why i did it - i'd do it. i'd be way too curious, and i would invest my own time in it, going to the blog, reading every post, spending way too much time trying to figure out who it was.. alright i think it's pretty obvious with my posts who it is, but maybe to a friend of mine, and she's someone i've never spoken to. so it may not be that easy. but i think it definitely isn't hard. i just feel like she won't care, or like just doesn't want to investigate, like i'd want to.. so i do kind of regret it. especially if the note just fell out, and she never saw it, and it just fell on the ground.. fuck, if anyone else sees it.. it for sure depends on who picks it up, that's imperative to my situation, fuck. i don't know what to do. i wrote she didn't have to do anything but read the note, after that the blog or anything else was completely optional, and really it is, as long as she read it.. but if she does read the blog, what if she thinks i'm crazy? what if she scoffs at me, a disbeliever, a skeptic.. i don't know what i'm thinking. but i believe that's going to happen. only thing, i won't know if she even read the note or not. how will i know? what if it fell? what if she threw it out, as a piece of scrap paper in her locker? too many questions and no way to answer any of them. i'll hopefully think of something.. in the meantime, in case it fell into the wrong hands, i'm changing the blog address and name. sigh. for the best.
anyway in regards to food.. i love perogies. so damn much. and luckily for me, for my body anyway, i can have them with no guilt - virtually none, anyway. pretty low calorie for such awesome things. and of course the lowest fat sour cream there is, and i have hardly more than two or so tablespoons. i still went over my limitations today, 900 cals, because for some reason my dad wasn't that hungry at dinner.. leaving me three extra perogies. ugh. he insisted i have them instead of them going in the fridge. yay. anyway i know it's better for weight loss to vary calorie intakes each day or so, so maybe 300 cals one day, 1100 cals another, and 700 cals another, etc.. i'm going to try that, if i can. maybe in july though. june i have another set plan for myself and i can already feel it being more successful! by writing down everything, like my new water goals, banned foods and foods that are still allowed, and ultimately the changes i've made, i feel good about it already. by writing what i can't have i feel it's more stable, and by writing what i am still allowed as well makes me feel like i'm not being restricted too much. i can't wait for my vodka redbull night with my best friend this saturday, along with one egg for breakfast (half the yolk only.. i can never actually bring myself to eat the entire yolk.. sad? maybe, but i can't do it, it feels way too bad) maybe just an egg white as usual, can't remember the last time i even had half a yolk anymore.. then an apple for lunch, and vodka redbulls for dinner! ahah, and if i really want a snack, some vodka gummy bears we're going to make. rather, just soak gummy bears in vodka after school friday, keep them soaking til we want them! and drink the leftover vodka of course, no waste!
so for now.. i'm doing better, i feel. yes i went over 900 cals today, but i feel good and optimistic about from now til my math exam, the 23rd. i can't wait to see the scale saturday/sunday morning (she has a scale thank god at her place) and see that i lost the fucking water weight gained during the outdoor ed trip, then again can't wait til my math exam! not for the math though, of course ahah
i feel positive about it this time! maybe that'll make the difference. every time i start something i'm in a bad place. and i always fail and feel awful again. the cycle restarts. so this time, i feel good, in a good place (i mean 'good' in terms of my life, i use the term loosely; just being honest) so maybe that will make the difference this time. can't wait skinny bitches! love!